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I want a better relationship with my college age daughters and don't know what else to do???

I have two older daughters who are leaving for college this August. Our relationship is not the best even though I can honestly say I have done my best to be supporting and actually feel we have spoiled them. Hubby and I have given them a car, free college tuition, trips, clothes, and a beautiful home to live in. we have even bought them 200$ prom dresses. I have asked them how their days go and want to talk but they disrespect me all the time. Usually they talk to me when they need money. When they don't get there way they threaten that they will never speak to me again when they are out of the house. I am 38 and due with a little boy in 4 weeks and they have been so mean through out this pregnancy! I am worried because we have already prepaid a trip for them for graduating and its been 3 days and I have to beg my daughter to texted me to see how she is doing!! I can't take money away as they need college. Any ideas?

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:28 AM on Jun. 15, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (8)
  • Maybe do a mother daughter day with each of them before they go off to school and just talk about things. When they don't feel threatened maybe they'll open up. I wouldn't start off asking them why they are mean and hateful. Build up to that. Ask them how they are. What they need for school. What they want for school. Are they excited? Ask them if they feel threatened by you having another baby.

    I'm 27 but when I was younger, I responded better when my mom wasn't being pushy just interested. They best way to find out what's wrong is to ask them when they are in a good mood and when it seems like you're interested in them and not just parenting them. Hope that helps!

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:35 AM on Jun. 15, 2010

  • I kinda just think its an age thing. Im not proud of it but I was the same way. Im still young (19) but I do treat my parents differntly after getting married and having my own daughter, but I think thats just how most teenagers are. My advise would be to keep talking to them but dont push to hard. Pushing only makes it worse.

    Answer by Sophie4910 at 12:36 AM on Jun. 15, 2010

  • Umm - They don't NEED college. College is a privileged that, if necessary, they can figure out how to pay for on their own.
    Your daughters are acting spoiled. A car is a privilege, money from you is a privilege, and now that they are "Adults" all these privileges can be taken away. It is NOT and AGE thing, although if you are expecting your 1st son with such a large age gap - I'll bet they are pissed off at you thinking you shouldn't be having a baby at "your age."
    And I'm a 41 yr old mother to adult twins that have not had everything handed to them and they do respect their father and I both. They do not walk all over us. They do not expect anything to be handed to us, they are responsive when asked what's going on with their day. Now, we don't communicate with them every day or even every week because they are Men, and that's not a man thing.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:35 AM on Jun. 15, 2010

  • Sounds like you dug your own grave on that one! Spoiling them has obviously turned them into greedy brats. Why would they respect you when you clearly don't respect yourself enough? If you did you would have disiplined them and not given them everything they need. I can tell you that I respect my parents for teaching me valuable lessons about the real world. I was never just handed anything, if I had been I'm sure I would be like your daughters. If you really want them to respect you, stop giving them everything, make them earn it and maybe in the process you will earn their respect.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:47 AM on Jun. 15, 2010

  • sit both of them down one by one and tell them how you feel .tell them u want an open relationship with them i am 22 and me and my mom talk but we are not extra close i wish we were .but i cant talk to my mom about anything .just make sure your always there when they need you .but i would deff try sitting them down and talking to them

    Answer by britme1027 at 10:27 AM on Jun. 15, 2010

  • Things don't equal love.

    Answer by rkoloms at 3:04 PM on Jun. 15, 2010

  • These girls have been given way too much with no real expectations. I wouldn't hold back a college education if you can afford it but I'd certainly make them earn it through good grades and proper respect for your generosity. Agree to pay for college a semester at a time. Based on their performance, pay the next semester. If the grades drop or their behavior remains a problem, bank the money for two years and give then ONE second chance then. Let them handle rent, food and car costs for a few years and I bet they'll learn to appreciate all you are dong for them. Also, if they drop out to work don't let them live at home paying "rent" with your doing their laundry. They need to get a taste of the real world. Sometimes the hardest thing a parent can do is actually introduce them to adulthood!

    Answer by Mamacat2010 at 10:02 PM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • I have two teen daughters. When they start getting like that with me I let them know I do not accept it. I tell them if you want or need my respect then I will expect it in return.
    Once my daughter did some mouthy stuff with me--I ignored her. I did not answer her. She wanted something-money. I said "oh are you asking me for money?" I m so sorry I can't talk to you. You hurt my feelings and I am not going to take it any more. So don't bother asking me for money. Later she came back all nice and sweet. I said thanks but no. I am not going to just forgive and forget.
    If you want to talk sometime please feel free to pm me. We can discuss what works and what seems to back fire. I am not an expert. Things are mostly better in our house. My one daughter is leaving for college and she has been extra clingy and needy. So I think this is her way of telling me she needs me now. Who knows what will happen tomorrow? Good luck.

    Answer by mmmegan38 at 12:13 AM on Jun. 18, 2010

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