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Adoption Question: Can the adoptive parents choose the gender of their baby?

I am considering adoption to have my last child. DH and I have no problems in the baby making department. I do have problems making it to full term though. We have two boys and I would love to add a girl into the mix.

My DH is excited to have boys. He can't wait until they are old enough for sports and fishing and camping trips and the like. I'll definitely be there to support my boys in everything they do even if its not my cup of tea.

I'm more girly and I would love to have a little girl to play dress up with and paint nails with and do spa days with. Plus, girl clothes are so cute!

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 1:20 PM on Jun. 15, 2010 in Adoption

Answers (20)
  • Yes.. of course you can. You can even choose the race.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:21 PM on Jun. 15, 2010

  • Yes. Adoptive parents get to make all the choices they want... Race, Sex, Place of Birth... Even Eye and Hair color if they want too...

    Answer by SabrinaMBowen at 1:23 PM on Jun. 15, 2010

  • Yes, you can specify that you want to adopt a child of a certain gender, but you may have a longer wait. I don't agree that you can specify the eye and hair color. No agency would even work with you if you told them that. Imagine how a woman would feel if she chose you to be the parents of her baby, then when you saw the baby you rejected her. It would be hard to choose the place of birth because it's not like there is an abundance of women looking to place their babies these days. It would be out of line to ask her to come to you for the birth. Race - yes, because it is important to be sure your family will be able to manage the issues that will definitely come up with adopting a child of another race.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 9:54 PM on Jun. 15, 2010

  • I can tell you that you will be laughed out of almost any adoption agency for that last sentence but I think your point is valid. Lots of Moms want a daugther, there is nothing wrong with that.and I am sure your affection for another child goes beyond how fun it is to dress them .

    Yes, you can request the gender, you will limit your options dramatically though because you will only be able to either match with someone who has confirmed they are having a girl OR someone who already delivered. Girls are in much higher demand than boys. (the theory is because women drive most adoption and more women will specify a girl than men will specifiy a boy). It will probably take 2xs as long. If you go with an agency, be very clear to ask when they present profiles to PBM's. If they are not waiting til the last trimester, they may be a bad choice for you because you wont be presented to the majority. .

    Answer by 2ndtimewish at 8:56 AM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • you can yes but the thing is do you really want to. i mean yes i would love to have a girl next seeing how was have a boy now. thing is i was adopted and my parents CHOSE a girl. we they had there heart REALLY set on a certain kind of girl and it wasnt what they got. some times I'm surprised they didn't try to send me back lol. take what is there. there are so many of us out there looking for a good family. adopting should be no diff than having another child you cant change what you have. just make sure you have LOVE and lots of it. and always remember that there is no diff between the children you have and the ones you adopt.

    Answer by Manda_Evans at 9:14 AM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • Manda Evans makes a very good point! You can choose a lot of things in adoption, but kids are kids and they do not live to fulfill your needs. The child you adopt will have her (if you get your wish) own personality and it may totally clash with yours. We shouldn't go into adoption with our needs in mind (although that's how it's starts sometimes, esp. with infertility), but with the needs of the child in mind. Adoption often brings in many other issues like grief & loss over their birth families (regardless if they choose to look for them) and feelings of abandonment as well. Adoption has been for us, a whirlwind of emotions for a period of 3.5 years, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I would ask you to continue to ask questions & research adoption and the special issues that many adopted children face. Birth families don't vanish when the papers are signed, nor should they. Best wishes and congrats on 2 healthy boys! :)

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 11:45 AM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • DId you know that you can go to a fertility clinic that does micro sort? It sorts your husband's sperm so that you will only have a girl. If you can have a baby on your own, do it. Pay the $4,000 for the micro sort- it is way cheaper than adoption anyway.

    It is like fingernails on a chalkboard when someone says they will only take a girl. And, I think it is petty that you only want a girl so that you can put her in dresses and do her hair all cute. Seriously? GIVE ME ALL THE BOYS THEN! I AM JUST GRATEFUL TO EVEN BE A MOTHER AT ALL!!!!

    Answer by hollyanne31 at 11:06 PM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • We chose gender and ethnicity. Neither was what our son is. Things happen. We started out with wanting to adopt a biracial little girl. We brought home a black little boy. I couldn't be happier. You can say what you prefer but sometimes there is a different path that life takes. Funny how it works that way. It is not petty to have a preference. In fact, when we do adopt again we will have a little girl the second time around. For many reasons. In the end your reasons are your own and belong to you and your husband. Not up for grabs for others to question or bash.

    Answer by frogdawg at 11:51 PM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • I do think it is my place to question or bash when a comment is made on a public board like this. And, you know what? I am right.

    It is disgusting to me how adoptive moms treat adoption like their own personal baby ordering service. All the time people ask me rediculous questions like "Can I order a girl between 1-3 years old." Then they go on to explain how they don't like waking up at night with an infant. How they want a girl because bows are so pretty and girl clothes are so much cuter.

    THIS IS ABSURD!!!!!!!!

    Adoption should be about the CHILD, not about the adoptive parents. I have heard of adoptive parents being matched with an expectant mom and then 8 or 9 times in a row, finding out they were having a boy and DITCHING the expectant mom because she was having a boy! ARE YOU KIDDING? How is that expectant mom supposed to feel? She is planning to give away her flesh and blood, a piece of her heart and you say.....

    Answer by hollyanne31 at 11:10 AM on Jun. 17, 2010

  • .....sorry, your baby- I can't put bows in his hair so I am dumping you.

    Then there are couples who can't have children at all. Who are childless, and the only desire they have in their heart is to love a child, to raise it well, to spend every minute of every day laughing and being proud of everything that baby does.

    THOSE are the kinds of parents that should be adopting, ones that don't have all of their own expectations dumped on the child.

    I will stand my position forever and ever. If you will only take a certain gender child....then it is all about YOU and NOT all about the child.

    Adoption is not a baby ordering service!

    Answer by hollyanne31 at 11:13 AM on Jun. 17, 2010

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