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how to not treat her like a child

so my husband and i have a friend that just turned 18 and she is in need of a place to live and start over. so we said it would be OK for her to come and stay with us. her family is not really what i would call a family, dads a truckers and been though 2 marriages now and mom is quite a piece of work too. she has 4 kids but never wanted any, shes kicked the girl out a lot and sent her to homes for problem kids there's nothing really wrong with her. she told her she shouldn't date a 22 year old when she was 15 and with the same had said date this 26 year old over there.
well now shes coming to live in a real home with us we do lots of family things and have a young son (2) what i want to know is what are good rules for her to have in our home to help put her on a good path. she has asked for our help. i don't want to treat her like a child but she still needs some guidance.

 
Manda_Evans

Asked by Manda_Evans at 10:58 AM on Jun. 16, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 10 (382 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • Honey, if she just turned 18, that is a very unwise thing to do. She is not a child. She is now an adult. She needs to either go to college full time, or get a full time job and support herself. I believe, by asking her to live with you, she will feel like she does not need to even try to support herself. Instead, I would have helped her get a job, a deposit and first month's rent together instead. She is only going to be trouble for you. Not only that, but do you really want an 18 year old in the house with your husband while you are not there? If she had no upbringing, she may not know how to act around men.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:05 AM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • i should have made this a little more clean I'm always home I'm a stay at home mom and she lives in another state and is coming down here to be with us. she is a good girl I've known her for 3 years now. as for my DH i trust mine I'm sorry if other people don't. and there is a rule in our home for our son when he gets older full time work or full time school, or full time other place to live. its harsh but i know that when my son gets to that age we will have given him the values that he needs. i want to know what other rules are good with out treating her like a child.
    Manda_Evans

    Answer by Manda_Evans at 11:24 AM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • rules:
    1)must have a job and (if she is planning on furthering her education) be in school.
    2)pay a set amount of rent (not too much that she can't afford to live...)-- you could possibly set this money aside so that, once she moves out, you can give it to her for a deposit on a place.
    3) no drugs or alcohol. shes underage to drink, anyway... so she shouldn't be drinking and partying.
    4) be considerate and respectful. she shouldn't be bringing guys over and coming in at 4am... if shes planning on staying out late, she should let you know so that she doesn't scare you coming in... and she should be quiet at that time...
    gracefulsky

    Answer by gracefulsky at 11:28 AM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • oh! one more! she needs to help clean up! you shouldn't make her clean up your mess and such, but she should clean up her mess, as well as picking up the "community mess"... the stuff that nobody leaves around, but it somehow clutters up.
    gracefulsky

    Answer by gracefulsky at 11:31 AM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • When my boys turned 18 we set up house rules for them.

    For safety sake, someone had to know WHERE they were in the evening.
    They had to be either in school (college - tech school) OR working.
    No drugs EVER and no alcohol under 21.
    When coming in late, DO NOT wake up anyone in the house. IF you are staying at a friends house - CALL and let know or TEXT!
    SEX - "NO GLOVE = NO LOVE".
    LAUNDRY - I don't do it!!
    BEDROOM - THEY KEEP IT CLEAN!
    Family areas and Dishes - They must help as they use the areas and eat the food.
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 1:49 PM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • I agree that you need a firm set of household rules. I also agree that you should not leave your husband alone with her for his protection. You do not know how she was raised. After a while you should be able to relax the house rules. Just remember to put your own childs interest first. Even though you have known her for three years you still need to be careful.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:29 PM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • Talk to her, talk, talk, talk. Adult kids need good role models. I have a friend who adopted a 15 y/o. girl from a situation similar to yours. Treat her with respect. Yet give her guidance. I would think after settling in--she needs to get a part time job. Or go to college part time. Or both.
    Be honest with her. Tell her what you expect. What time she needs to be in by, what time is dinner. Use good judgment. It is a wonderful thing you are doing. Help her grow into a wonderful woman who is not like her mother. Don't talk bad about her though. Use good common sense and be clear on what will work. Even if you don't know what will fly--you have to start with some rules.
    mmmegan38

    Answer by mmmegan38 at 12:06 AM on Jun. 18, 2010

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