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My son is 7, his father and I are no longer together, I've moved on, and recently became engaged. My fiance has 2 children of his own, every since we moved in together, my son has been having a hard time, and is angry most of the time when the other children are here. He becomes very sassy and sometimes aggressive towards me...he used to be so sweet, and still is a majority of the time. What can I do before his behavior becomes out of control?

I do more than most step-mother's from what I hear from others. Everyone I know says I shouldn't have his kids as much as I do and that is where the problem with my son comes in. How can I tell him, taking care of his kids is too much without offending him, and make him understand that I need to focus on my sons needs and issues first and far most? We have one of his kids every other week, and the other every other weekend. He works during the day so I care for the child that he has every other week while he is at work. I understand that this merging the family together thing, won't be easy. I also know that my love for my son is different than my love for his...I'm confused...help!!!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:24 AM on Jun. 16, 2010 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Answers (10)
  • I would look into the possibility of my son living with his dad. If that's not possible, I would look into the possibility of his living with his grandparents or an aunt and uncle. What you are seeing is the acting out of frustrations at a situation which your child knows he has no ability to control. He is the victim of the choices of other people, and he wants a family that is all his own. He doesn't know that is what his problem is. He is simply reacting from the emptiness that is in his little heart. Unless he finds some stability soon, he will become a troubled teen and an even more troubled adult. Children need their dads, and they want stability and protection and constancy. When those things are lacking, there is often acting out, which is far better than quiet acceptance and withdrawing. Be thankful you have seen the signs, and try to find a way to give him what he needs. It might require your giving up yours.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:32 AM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • http://articles.familylobby.com/434-blended-families3a-merging-two-families-under.htm


    This might help some, i feel for you. I was in your shoes when i was 19. My ex won full custody fo his other children without my knowledge. I knew they were going to court, but i thought it was to just "modify" their agreement....much to my suprise, i became a full time mom to 3 babies when i was only 19. He said since we married, that it was now my job to mother his kids. We ended up splitting becasue his expectations were too high & he was a total ass & had no appreciation for me. But, read that article...it's a good one.

    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 11:35 AM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • His father and I have joint custody he spends a lot of time with his father. He wants to live with me, and I feel that by sending him live with someone else, that will make him think I am giving up on him. I'm not that type of mother he is my only child, and I will do what ever it takes to fix this problem, even give up my relationship, however I feel as though by doing that he will think he can control aspects of my life, and it will only make it worse.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:54 AM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • There is a great group on CafeMom for Moms With Blended Families. It is never an easy adjustment. I think your son is old enough to talk this out with him, explain how important it is to your husband to be a big part of his kids' lives and that you support that and ask him how you can help him on the time that you have your stepson. I would look into friendship/team building exercises for the boys to help them learn to get used to sharing their space and their parents with other children. Make special time for your son both when your stepson is there and when he's not, and also do special activities with the boys together. We have a family game night where we often play on teams with my son and my stepdaughter on the same team to help them learn to work together. Family counselling can be a good idea too!
    riotgrrl

    Answer by riotgrrl at 12:34 PM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • Blending families is HARD on the kids. I was 9 when my mom married my stepdad. He had 2 boys that he had full custody of from his first marriage, so my mom had 5 kids to take care of. My stepdad is a wonderful man and a better dad to me than most bio dads are, but those first couple of years were tough! From your post, it sounds like you want to tell him that your son is more important than his son's - bad idea (I know not the words you used, but that's how it came across to me). I definitely would recommend some family counseling for everyone involved.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 2:41 PM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • I think it would help for you to talk to your son about this, and not just once but every week so he has lots of opportunities to tell you his thoughts and feelings. Let him know that he is your priority, and that while he will have to share you with his step-siblings a lot of the time, maybe you two can carve out separate time alone together on a very regular basis. I am 30 and I still sometimes like to hear my mom confess that she loves my sister and I more than her step-children, it may seem petty, but I like it nonetheless. Also, it might help to explain to him that while this man in your life makes you really happy, and is someone who can be by your side even when your son has grown up and moved on to have his own family, that if things don't work out you can always make a change. Not that you want him to make things miserable until you leave, but so that he knows there could be an out if it got really bad. Good luck!
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 3:00 PM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • Family counseling can help all of adjust.
    rkoloms

    Answer by rkoloms at 5:11 PM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • Forgive me for sharing what will be an unpopular opinion, but maybe your son has a problem taking this man seriously as an authority figure, knowing that you are not yet married to him. Would you be willing to move out with your son until the wedding? Counseling would probably be very helpful for your son and the other kids while you are merging the two families. Good luck!
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 10:21 PM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • I agree with Mary Ann W, on this one. she's right. Really talk to your son ,and explain the situation and tell him how important he still is to you, and that he can always count on you for anything.in the world.
    incarnita

    Answer by incarnita at 10:07 AM on Jun. 18, 2010

  • My opinion may be unpopular as well, but your son's happiness should come first. I think you know that, and that is why you mentioned that leaving the relationship was a possibility. I think that's what you should do. You son will be little for such a short time. Childhood is over in the blink of an eye. It's your job as his mother to make it as trouble free and peaceful as you can. Leave the relationship now before you get married and things get more difficult. To me, no man and/or his children are worth causing my child hurt, pain and anger.
    0123456

    Answer by 0123456 at 1:13 PM on Jun. 19, 2010

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