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he said he is tired of compromising....but

his idea of compromising is not getting EVERYTHING he wants
I am always compromising, and as soon as I do, then he changes the rules, so I have to compromise more, when I finally put my foot down, he says that HE is tired of compromise.
I do not think he knows the meaning of the word.

he might be the most selfish person alive.
Is there any way to show a person like this the real world of compromise (short of leaving and starting a new life without him?)

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:13 PM on Jun. 16, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • also - one thing i learned was that people will treat you with respect when you demand it, not necessarily because it's the right thing to do. my husband and i started having some weird problems a while back (hence the counseling), and i was able to see that i contributed to the weirdness by being so quiet and submissive/permissive. my husband is soooo not a controlling person and i am sooo not the kind to be controlled, but somehow we found ourselves in an antagonistic situation where this was happening because neither of us were being true to ourselves. i can't explain it better than that, but when i just took a stand and decided that things were not happening in a way that i felt respected and started demanding that, he responded very positively. instead of making the situation worse as i feared it was like a miracle... he had just started treating me like the doormat i was acting like. sounds simple, but it's effective.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 2:43 PM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • No because my SO is like that no one does anything but him and he is a martyr I have tried to make it easy and for a while it works as long as they are getting what they want now you should start doing for you thats what I have decided works for me. Take care of yourself. GL Momma
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 1:19 PM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • they act like they do because we let them. after experiences, they dont deserve it. you shouldn't compromise more at all. tell him a man stands by his word and u shouldn't have to change the word for him if he still complains after. u can let it go once or twice but u sound like he's used to it. my husband drove me craazy beginning of our marriage like that. they don't deserve it, so put ur foot down. men r children anyway, just bigger.
    fefe87

    Answer by fefe87 at 1:23 PM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • Get a little tape recorder and start recording your conversations, so he can hear himself. So he can't deny saying one thing, then another. If he will agree to something, then decide he doesn't like it, too bad. You have to set boundaries, and be consistent, just like with a child. And that's sad to say. But really, if you have to record what he says just to have proof, then do it. You can also look up the definition and show it to him, since he doesn't know what it means. Once he gets it, hopefully you can work on things. But you won't get anywhere fast until he does. And he won't believe you until you can prove it.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 1:40 PM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • i so wish i could remember what my counselor told me a couple years ago regarding compromise - something to do with someone always giving in, giving up on something. i guess this really depends on what types of things he is having to compromise about - are they things that really have to do with the relationship or is one or both of you trying to be overcontrolling of the other's actions? i tend to take the "why not?" attitude toward relationships - if there is a good reason such as harmful consequences of some kind, not money for that and bills, etc., then there is a reason. but sometimes people just get overly involved in either asking too much as a way of making up for lack of control in other areas or those who just immediately want to be convinced to say yes for the same reason. compromise is not necessarily about partnership and is often a power struggle. sometimes it helps to just try something completely different.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 2:06 PM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • op here
    figaro..you are right, this is not compromising, it is him controlling

    thanks for openning my eyes
    now to find a way for him to see that he is not compromsing AT ALL, he is just pushing me until I give in and he gets his way
    and
    now to find a way to get it into my thick head, to stand my ground (on importnat relationship issues ) and not compromise myself for his sake, a hard lesson for me
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:30 PM on Jun. 16, 2010

  • (hugs). the best advice i can give you is don't let him be the author of who you are or what you want and need. it does sound like a game. just look within yourself to understand your truth. this doesn't mean you are not open to partnership or suggestions, but know what you know, mean what you mean, and don't feel like you have to give in on things that are important to you. really you don't even have to explain - that's just a courtesy. you are allowed to make requests of your own and tell him how you feel too... don't feel like you can't speak up because he might not like what you're saying. if you are going to be able to have a partnership both of your needs must be considered and respected.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 2:39 PM on Jun. 16, 2010

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