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How bad of a mother am I?

I feel like crap and I know that there's worse mothers out there, but look at me. I am a self-gratifying, immature young adult with a child. I think there's a better way I could be doing this but I can't find it. I'm attentive, but not enough. I text and talk on the phone and I feel guilty about it. I go out on weekends. My child doesn't seem to suffer, I think she's happy and healthy and she's very smart. But maybe some issues will pop up later. I want to be a good mom but I look in the mirror and I feel sorry for my child. It's like, I didn't find my way in life before I had her, and now I just have to figure it out as I go along. And, although I'm in college, I feel like I'll never provide for her. She already has no daddy, I'm just as absent sometimes mentally, I think. I want someone to guide me or tell me something, even if its harsh I can take it.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:07 AM on Jun. 17, 2010 in Toddlers (1-2)

This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • I'm 40 years old, and have 5 kids. (3 bio, 2 stepkids). I go out, I talk on the phone, and I read. I spend alone time with my husband, and we take at least one trip a year without the kids. I don't spend every waking minute doting on the children. They are independent, well-adjusted, and in honors classes. (The oldest is 14, the baby is 2.5) I think there is this myth that to be a "good mother" you need to have your life revolve around the child(ren). That's just not true. You need to have adult time, your child needs to be able to play independently. Don't beat yourself up for not being the kind of mother you think you should be, do what feels natural to you. If your child is healthy and happy, I think you're doing a decent job. If you feel like you need to spend more time with her, than do it. You'll figure out the right balance, I promise.
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 11:07 AM on Jun. 17, 2010

  • Well first-stop going out. It's that simple. Also, put down the phone. That's also very simple. You can't just keep complaining about something and not change it. If you want to do better and you know how than for your child's sake do it.
    SaraP1989

    Answer by SaraP1989 at 3:09 AM on Jun. 17, 2010

  • At least you can see that there's a problem, guess that puts you ahead of a lot of moms out there. Now you need to work on fixing it, take it one thing at a time, work on not texting or talking on the phone when she's awake (so just at nap time or night, except for quick calls, so no conversations). Then work on only going out 1 night a week, then cut down to one a month (which I think is normal and healthy). Make time for her whenever you can, you won't regret it. But if you're feeling like you don't give her enough attention you will regret that. Set aside time each day just for her, go for a walk, go to a park, read books together, play together, etc.
    Blueliner

    Answer by Blueliner at 3:17 AM on Jun. 17, 2010

  • sometimes i feel like imma bad mom if every time i buy clothes i dont get her something as well then im neglecting her or something....im 18 don't work but i find ways to earn money to take care of us i get temp assistance and her biological dad sends down 100 or 150 every two wks plus i get ssi every month so we make it plus we get f.s....plus im getting ready to have another baby girl but my lil girl has everything u can imagine a 10 month old having or even wanting.....she has enough outfits that she cld wear two every day a yr and never wear the same clothes twice in a yr lol i stay home all day everyday.....barley any friends cuz they said im no fun since i have a kid now and i still feel like a bad mom at times so if ur hurting her then change it..if shes old enough ask her what she wants u to do more of and if it reasonable then i wld def. do it for her..hell it might even be fun
    samie_01

    Answer by samie_01 at 3:22 AM on Jun. 17, 2010

  • thanks samie. I don't think I'm hurting her, but I'm worried maybe subconciously..she's absorbing things like all kids do? Maybe she thinks mommy doesnt love her when I go out with friends? I don't know. The love I feel for my daughter is greater than I ever imagined I could feel. I try to put her first, but I sometimes fail because I'm still a selfish person. The last thing I want to do is hurt her in any way at any time.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:33 AM on Jun. 17, 2010

  • You should still be able to go out once in a while and have fun but just not too much. Play with her, look things up that is going on in your area you can take her to and have fun, library, park, water park, any special "parties" they are having in your area, take her out on a lunch date do stuff with her, have fun!! :) and smile!
    MomNbabyGirl009

    Answer by MomNbabyGirl009 at 4:19 AM on Jun. 17, 2010

  • Don't feel bad for getting some time to yourself!!!!! Just remember that yu are all she has and she needs you ")
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:29 AM on Jun. 17, 2010

  • Going out is a bad choice! Stay with her at all times possible, and forget your texting buddies, she is now your life! Good luck, and try to be less selfish! Prayers to you, nad i know you will find your way :)
    JoLee12345

    Answer by JoLee12345 at 8:38 AM on Jun. 17, 2010

  • I agree that your daughter should be put first, as all of our kids should be.BUT I also think it is ok to text and talk on the phone trhough out the day. DON'T do it for hours at a time, but if she's taking a nap, in bed for the night or playing by herself, use that time to talk to friends. As far as going out, DON'T stop it all together. But instead of going out every weekend, back it off to once a month. This way you still have your "freedom" and time with friends but your also speding more time with your daughter. Maybe see if your friends mind coming to your house once in a while and spending time there. They also need to understand that you have a child now and SHE comes before them.
    LorisChar

    Answer by LorisChar at 9:47 AM on Jun. 17, 2010

  • I agree with toning down the going out. Once or twice a month is fine. Every weekend, not so much. As for the phone thing. Its ok. As long as you arent ignoring her for hours on end. Just make sure you dont do it too much, and get off to attned to her if she needs it.
    carsonsmommytam

    Answer by carsonsmommytam at 2:13 PM on Jun. 17, 2010

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