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What do you do when leaving hurts worst than staying?

My husband and I have been together 4 years total married for 1. My daughter was in diapers when we met her biological had left me high and dry. So naturally my daughter assumes my husband is her natural father, after all he's all she knows. While he's a great dad, lately I noticed he's more into his appearance and internet, my gut screams he's having an affair and when I ask him he gets on the defensive which only makes me think he is even more. I love my husband and our family...I hired a divorce attorney but couldnt go through with finalizing it...I honestly dont want to leave but my heart cant take the "What If" and if the reality he is having an affair is true, I came from a broken home and I want my daughter to have something I didnt...What do you do when leaving hurts more than staying? And has anyone else just settled for whats in front of them? Please no bashing, I'm looking for advice
Thank You

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:57 AM on Jun. 19, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • I think you're being paranoid and are also being very quick to jump the divorce gun. marraige takes a lot of commitement. I understand coming from a broken home....but if you want to give your daughter something you didn't have...try to make it work before you bail. It doesn't sound like you even sat down and talked to him. it sounds like he just got defensive when you mentioned it, which is normal. talk to him, let him know your fears. you should be able to express how you feel.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:06 AM on Jun. 19, 2010

  • It depends on what you want your final outcome to be. Just bc kids are raised in 2 parent households doesn't mean they're going to grow up any happier. 2 ppl living in the same house miserable, fighting & treating each other badly is way worse than 2 seperate households w/ happy ppl. I'm sure there's more details then what you are sharing w/ us here but instead of a divorce attny why not a private investigator or some tracking software for the computer? Unless you have proof your fears of an affair may have some basis or it could be your past issues raising its head. Does he know you hired the attny? How'd he react to this? Knowing what you are dealing w/ is always better than pretending there's no issue, something's going on between you 2 & if you can't talk it out you're gonna end up divorced later anyways. Know it feels like your heart can't take it but it can & you'll continue on for your dd. Get to the bottom of it! GL
    Nyx7

    Answer by Nyx7 at 7:08 AM on Jun. 19, 2010

  • True there are more details...Everytime we argue and I either ask him to sleep on the couch, he just leaves. Well on valentines day this year we got into it while the baby was sleep, he leaves and texts me 2 days later from a womans phone pretending he had the wrong number, to confirm it was him I called the number and on the voicemail both he and her had made a joined message. We were seperated for a month then he came crawling back begging me to forgive him. Since then he has been going to therapy. When I suggest we go together he says he will but once I schedule it, an excuse is made why we shouldnt go...He knows about the divorce proceedings and that Im on the fence...I dont get it if he cares so much then why does he keep cheating and begging me to stay...and why do I keep putting up with it...I frustrate myself
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:20 AM on Jun. 19, 2010

  • Yes, get to the bottom of it if you can. Anyone should be able to talk things over, especially if they have nothing to hide. Each of you deserve to be happy, most importantly your daughter. Remember she will model whatever she sees in your home. If it's fighting she will be aggressive and grow up thinking this is the normal way to live. She will find herself with partners who she is always fighting with. Give the marriage every chance before calling it quits. BUT don't stay in a marriage that is unhealthy.
    I wish you all the best.
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 7:27 AM on Jun. 19, 2010

  • Ahh see I knew there was more. So you're wondering if he's cheating THIS time? Honey you already have your answer, why are you still there? If he's cheated on you in the past & is refusing to go to counseling w/ you (making up excuses is as much of a refusal as just saying no, just creates less problems) then you know what you need to do. Men will treat you the way you demand you treat you, if you let them treat you like a door mat they will, demand some respect! Make a counseling appt & tell him he's going. Don't let him weasel his slimy ass out of it & if he doesn't show up then you know how much he really cares. Hold him accountable! Get yourself into counseling so you can discover why you think you only deserve to be treated this way & how to change it in the future. Men are a dime a dozen & worth a lot less, especially the assholes. Throw this one back, focus on you & I bet a better one will come along!
    Nyx7

    Answer by Nyx7 at 7:46 AM on Jun. 19, 2010

  • The hardest part is to leave and make the break. Yes, it hurts iike hell but once you get it over with, you can start healing and moving on.
    bjane01

    Answer by bjane01 at 8:21 AM on Jun. 19, 2010

  • What about a private eye? They are out there still', and very accurate.'Ask for & you shall receive, so what next?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:02 AM on Jun. 19, 2010

  • Ok first of all if you were SEPERATED, then it wasn't cheating. Also you took him back and that in itself is you saying you forgave him for that so please let that go. If you have no concrete evidence that at this point in time he is cheating then you shouldn't jump the gun. Also think of how you would react if he came to you asking if you were cheating on him. How would you respond? Would you be all Oh no honey but thanks for asking. HELL NO, you would be like WTF NO. You would probably be just as upset. As for the therapy, call the therapist and see if there is a way to do a joint session without him knowing ahead of time so he can't make an excuse. It is worth a try.
    carmadsmom

    Answer by carmadsmom at 10:24 AM on Jun. 19, 2010

  • ok so he has cheated in the past, but it does not 100% mean that he is doing it this time. i would be checking to see what was so interesting on the website. before i split my kids from a good dad i would make sure it was what i thought it was. if he is on a social site like facebook, create a fake page and try to flirt with him. if he goes all for it then you have your answer. also maybe you should go to counseling yourself. without him, maybe you need to talk somethings out and that way you would be better able to talk to him about whats bothering you. i also agree that you should go over his head and make an appt for both of you without him knowing.
    secondtyme520

    Answer by secondtyme520 at 10:31 AM on Jun. 19, 2010

  • my gut screams he's having an affair


    Listen to your gut.

    He is not interested in changing. He's not interested in counseling....he's made that obvious. Go to counseling for yourself, and learn to find the strength within yourself to let go of someone who is not treating you as well as you deserve. You and your daughter deserve more than just "settling" for what you have.

    It's not the leaving that hurts....it's the fear of confirming that he's not worth staying that hurts the most.

    good luck sweetie.
    inkydorei

    Answer by inkydorei at 1:15 PM on Jun. 19, 2010

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