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Is this wrong?

I'm just getting out of an 8 year long abusive marriage. My soon to be ex has a lot of mental issues and has verbally and psychologically abused me for years, as well as some physical. He has never had a relationship with my kids until the separation, now he demands insane amounts of time with them where he showers them with gifts and candy. What bothers me is that they want to see him and ask to go over there, not for him necessarily, but to play with his x-box and get candy, but nonetheless I feel betrayed. . . . I've spent so many years standing between him and them and trying to shelter them from him, for them to ask for him now feels like a stab in the back... has anyone else experienced feelings like that? And if so, how do you cope with it?

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Panditacjp

Asked by Panditacjp at 9:09 PM on Jun. 20, 2010 in General Parenting

Level 1 (3 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • Go to therapy.
    It sounds like they are young. They like being their dad because of what he gives to them. But you need to remember that when they NEED something they will go to you.
    However, therapy will still help you.
    outstandingLove

    Answer by outstandingLove at 9:12 PM on Jun. 20, 2010

  • I understand how you may be feeling, but ultimately, he is their father. They deserve a chance to be a part of his life. Don't project your feelings for your ex onto your children.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:13 PM on Jun. 20, 2010

  • IF you feel like he's a danger to them..then it's your duty as a mother to protect them! If he's giving them too much junk..candy etc, then it's also your job as a mother, to have things looked into by CPS or take him to court, and let the judge know what he's doing...gifts are "ok" but to spoil a child, isn't...so It's all in moderation. If there's no way to talk to him reasonably then you should consider getting a lawyer! I would feel exactly the same as you do. They will some day understand the mental and emotional part to all of this, when they get older. But for now, while you are their voice, please consider what I've said above.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:17 PM on Jun. 20, 2010

  • anon 17
    it is not likely that CPS is going to do anything about candy or gifts. Especially gifts. And until she can prove that their teeth are falling out because of all the candy he gives to them CPS isn't gonna do anything.
    outstandingLove

    Answer by outstandingLove at 9:19 PM on Jun. 20, 2010

  • If someone bribed you with goodies and played the Disneyland dad when you went over there, would you say no? This is what they wanted all along, not the candy. But the affection, The feeling of things being normal. If you had stayed with him, things would never have been normal. He would never have even tried to pull off the Disneyland dad. As usual, this is all about him and his needs. Eventually he is going to screw up, they all do. The kids know you are there for them, rock solid there for them.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:20 PM on Jun. 20, 2010

  • you probably have visitation spelled out in a custody agreement. if it's not working for you or he is not honoring that, then you need to address that the proper way. although you don't want to encourage your kids to be users if they are really going over there to see his stuff and not him the good part is they are not respecting an abuser... i know it is painful but unless they are being harmed in some way just suck it up. sounds like the real issue is you don't think that he deserves to be loved by them based on what he did to you. that is a completely separate issue. my dad was a real asshole to my mom but he was a good dad to me later in life - wasn't around much for a while after the divorce. stranger things have happened. use the time to bujild yourself up and spend time with people who appreciate you. (hugs)
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 9:53 PM on Jun. 20, 2010

  • I am in therapy, lol, trust me, I know I need it! I know that he's their father and was at first happy for the kids that he was interested in them, it has just turned into a weekly opportunity for him to verbally assault me whenever he comes over. Yelling and cussing at me in front of the kids, calling me names and saying that I don't' love them and making up things I've supposedly said about them, all of this in front of them, and then cooing at them while talking dirt about me. . . acting like child support means that he is buying them. He's spread around town that I dont' let him see them, but he gets them every afternoon for 2 hours and every Saturday. I'm just frustrated I guess, tired. Thank you all for your answers, you all made some good points, thanks for taking the time to respond.
    Panditacjp

    Answer by Panditacjp at 10:51 PM on Jun. 20, 2010

  • Oh, I suppose I didn't mention, he was extremely abusive to them as well for many years, my eldest couldn't eve ask him for a drink of water till about 2 years ago as he would explode and hit her or yell and freak out. I couldn't let them out of my sight, not even to go shopping, as I would come back to them with bruises. I have four by the way, all under the age of eight. (he pretty much help me captive for 4 years and refused to let me get BC)
    Panditacjp

    Answer by Panditacjp at 10:57 PM on Jun. 20, 2010

  • In time your kids will see him for what he is. Mine dutifully went to see their dad for vacations every summer where they were showered with gifts and trips. Their Grandfather was paying for it all, not their Dad, but he got the glory. They have seen for themselves who it is that provides for their needs and who doesn't. They have also voiced their opinion to me as well as him, that they know he loves them, but they also know they can't depend on him for anything. It was very hard for me too to accept that he got all the fun, and I got all the daily discipline and such, but they will appreciate you in the end!
    jlynne121971

    Answer by jlynne121971 at 11:04 AM on Jun. 21, 2010

  • Welcome to motherhood, the never ending thankless job. Trust me in the end, they will know who was there for them when it really mattered and who tried to buy their love.
    salexander

    Answer by salexander at 12:36 PM on Jun. 21, 2010

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