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Should I take this as a cue?

My marriage has been less than stellar for a while now. Well I have had a lot going on and really back and forth as to whether or not I should try to make things work cuz we have kids or if it is really just too little too late. So I compiled a list of reasons to stay and reasons to go. Why I want to stay and what to expect if I go, those sort of things. A friend suggested this a while back but I was not in the mindset to do it then. Well I finally did it and I would like to stay with a pretty clear head and with pretty honest answers. Basically my reasons to stay list was very small. I only had 2......the kids and the fact that I do not have the money to leave right now. I tried to come up with more, but I could not and know that I was being honest with myself. I am thinking that tells me a lot and is my cue to start planning to be able to move on. I don't wanna hurt the kids, but I feel I may hurt them more staying

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:17 AM on Jun. 22, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • I could have wrote this myself because I'm in the same predicament. That said, he is who he is and if he hasn't changed by now he probably won't any time soon. I don't know about you but I'm getting tired being the only adult in this relationship that I might as well be by myself. Peace and love to you hun, it's a hard decision I know.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:44 PM on Jun. 22, 2010

  • I won't judge you my dear but I do have some questions I have always wanted to ask somebody if you don't mind. A) What about marriage vows? Do we just throw in the towel when were not happy? B) What about the fact that you once were totally in love with this guy and now you're not? I mean, if you can fall out of love with this guy why not with the next one, and the one after that? C) How happy do we have to be to decide to work it out? I mean, what if marriage is just a lot of hard work and disappointment for everybody? Should people just stop getting married? It all just seems so very meaningless to me. Nobody I know is happily married. Everyone expects to be living a blissful life of wonder. I'm just asking... I'm not saying you're wrong to leave this guy.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:48 AM on Jun. 22, 2010

  • well while I think the pp has some good points....you do have to think of it this way. do you want your kids to see parents that are together and going thru the motions? or parents who are happy, but maybe not together? and other things to ask about the kids...will he be a fair part time parent? will he step up for child support? what happens if he(or you) meet someone ...how will that feel? want your kids around dad's new love? I am living proof that while I dont think my divorce was a mistake, I do see now it was not the easier out I hoped for. If you havent tried therapy with him, try it first.....divorce is so so hard...but sometimes a loveless marriage is harder. and no one can tell you which is best for you....good luck.
    Bearsjen

    Answer by Bearsjen at 1:14 AM on Jun. 22, 2010

  • I read your post and it sounds like I wrote it! No counseling will make you fall back in love with him. Help with problems like communication, bad habits. YES. Do you feel love from him? Does he still look at you the same way? Does he do those things that he did when you could say " i know he is in love with me ". PP is right a loveless marriage is harder. Try counseling. If you can't afford it then I hope he is the kind of man that will sit down and open his heart and ears and REALLY listen to you. Be strong and remember vows are what you promised you would do. I don't recall vows saying anything about your feelings never changing. I think it would be a bigger break of your vows to stay with someone you dont love. or does not love you. HUGS
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:20 AM on Jun. 22, 2010

  • Why not just take a break, not run out and file for divorce? Sometimes getting away for a short time helps us find other reasons we want to stay...or go! Can you go visit family or friends during the summer for a break?
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 8:18 AM on Jun. 22, 2010

  • How do you know she was 'totally in love' with this guy? Often it can seem like love but it's infatuation, etc. If she made a list of pros and cons, then I think she's really saying it's not repairable. If that's the case, vows alone are not a reason to stay. If you're not happy and you can't fix what's wrong, then you should do something about it. And never, EVER stay for the kids' sake. That is plain stupid (and you'd see why down the road if you don't believe that.)
    rio_burb

    Answer by rio_burb at 9:17 AM on Jun. 22, 2010

  • OP here. To give a little more background this stems from far more than I simply don't love him anymore. It comes froma myriad of things over the years that people have seen and some have even been trying to show me and I always turned a blind eye because I loved him, but as I see things differently now I suddenly am wondering if it simply is too little to late. My husband is self employed and touts he works seven days a week (keep in mind that he counts hunting and fishing as work and does that when he sees fit among other things). I pay all the household bills, he rarely pays any of them. Originally this was so he could pay his business loans for his equipment, but really this has given him a free pass for years and I am essentially footing the bill for 5 people. If I am gonna essentially live like a single mom I may as well be one. I take the kids places, he rarely does. I am unable to save anything because I pay...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:56 AM on Jun. 22, 2010

  • ...(cont) all the bills. I have made excuses for this man for years. Why....because I loved him. And yes these are things I have told him, these are things we have discussed many times over. To be honest I have no idea what money he actually brings in but he always has money in his pocket. Whereas I never have two dimes to rub together because after I pay all the bills, & feed the family there is nothing left. I am tired of living this way & I am tired of being the sole supporter and when we discuss these things, there are small changes & then things go right back to the way they were. I am going back to school to earn my degree and this even causes a rift, like he does not want me to better myself, but someone has to in order for us to have more. I am changing and evolving and realizing that he is not helping me achieve our goals & dreams for our family & that is really why I want to leave. I am already doing it alone
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:02 AM on Jun. 22, 2010

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