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How do we tell my MIL that we can not handle her coming to live with us?

She is not coordinated and falls frequently. She barely drives and is very forgetful. If she lives with us, I would have to be her nurse maid. It is really not in me to be that to her. It is not in me to care for an elderly person. I have told my husband this and he suggested that we put her in a retirement community. I am afraid she will try to guilt him into not doing it. I am not in the best of health to take care of someone who falls a lot and is frail to begin with. Any suggestions ladies?


Asked by Anonymous at 1:37 AM on Jun. 23, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • My MIL is the same way and I would probably slap her after a few days cause she is very irritating. Don't let them pressure you into it! Help find her services such as the PP mentioned.

    Answer by ashisamom at 1:41 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • I'm sure she has medicaid that would pay for a nurse in her home.

    Answer by SaraP1989 at 1:39 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • Tell her just like you just told us. I have seen many families fall apart because of issues like yours. Trust me your health can deteriorate caring for someone who has her geriatric needs.


    Answer by Anonymous at 1:42 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • When your dh tells her about putting her in a home be right there so you can tell her yourself that you are in no shape to do any extra work health wise. Also talk to God he will lead the way for you just ask him for his help he is listening he knows your heart so when you ask him just tell him Lord I am going to put this situation in your hands and then let him do the rest but you have to have faith. GL Don't worry about a thing.

    Answer by Butterfly1108 at 1:52 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • Having the same problems here. We haven't considered the retirement community but I think its a good solution. If your mother in law doesn't like it then tell her to stay where she is. Don't let her use you like that. I hope your husband see's through his mother better than mine does

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:53 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • Sounds like she has the beginnings of dementia. I just finished 4 years of taking care of my grandmother whom had it and I can say it is hard work. If you aren't up to it, then you will need to put her into a nursing home because it will be too dangerous for her to live there. And you can put it like that. Its too dangerous to live here. But then he, you and the rest of the family is going to have to decide what to do, figure out her estate before she looses all of her head. Is she on Medi-care? That won't pay for long term stay in a nursing home. That will pay for 100 days of it. Is she on Medi-caid? Can she get on Medi-caid? I will tell you from personal experience that it will be a pain to get her on it. We looked into applying for her and the application process would have been a nightmare and she died before she would have gotten notice if she was going to be approved or not anyway. If you need, message me. GL

    Answer by kuriequinn at 5:36 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • I am sure if you put it that way (your health isn't good enough to care for her needs) she could not take offense especially since she falls. She really needs to be where trained professionals can care properly for her if she continues to fall.

    Answer by admckenzie at 8:01 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • It's not safe for your MIL or yourself to be her caregiver; if you aren't physically up for it and she falls you could both end up getting hurt. If she can't live on her own, an assisted living facility would be a good solution. She still has her independence and she has qualified help readily available.

    Answer by Scuba at 9:12 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • What do you mean she barely drives!!! Take her car away. The woman should not be driving AT ALL. I think everybody above me has dealt with your primary concern. If you are not capable you are not capable. Mabye you could get a nurse to come to your home if she lived with you. That way you could do the cooking and she wouldn't have to worry about getting her trash out to the curb and other annoying things that have to be done when you live alone. I so wish my MIL hadn't insisted on living alone up until the end. I hear retitement communites keep them very active and happy. It is so hard to know what the right thing to do is. Good luck

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:52 AM on Jun. 23, 2010