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What would you do?

Hubby and I were seperated and near our divorce being final when I slept with someone else and got pregnant. Hubby and I didn't go through with the divorce. Both the other guy and hubby know about each other and the baby. But hubby is unwilling to share the baby with him, he has vowed to care for this baby like she's his own. What should I do about this? bio dad wants to be as far or as close as I want him to be. hubby is totally against the other guy being around.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:12 AM on Jun. 23, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • Your husband does not have the right to keep that man away from his child! He needs to set his insecurities aside for what is best for the child. Now if the bio dad can't or won't be a father to the baby, then have him sign over his parental rights, have your husband adopt the baby and all can live happily ever after. But if the father does want to know his child, your husband will just have to learn how to adjust to that fact. He isn't blameless in the events that lead to your pending divorce, was he? This is just another consequence of those actions--for you both. Don't make the baby pay for that. She deserves to know who her daddy is and as long as they are both willing to be good male role models, she can have the best of both worlds! Think of the added love for her!! Why would he want to cut that out of her life?? Selfishness!! Put the needs of the baby ahead of that.
    Good luck to you all!!
    SimplyLaine

    Answer by SimplyLaine at 7:25 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • I agree with everything you said, but sadly knowing my husband, the baby would pay. I have been trying to get him to understand that its not the babys fault for months now. He has just made it very clear that he would "hate" the baby if anyone acted like she wasn't his, if anyone knew the truth. Though it's hard to hide as the baby looks just like the other man. My hubby and I have a daughter too and if hubby hates this baby, they won't have a good sibling relationship. Hubby will always have that hatred for the other man against the baby and that will hurt my other daughter too. Bio dad would be a great role model and a great father- i believe he should know his daughter. But I'm stuck between having a happy family and happy kids, or fighting all the time screwed up family and suffering kids :(
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:44 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • Your dh is a manipulating controller. He's going to secretly hate the baby anyway. Every time he sees the baby (who you say looks like bd) he'll be reminded of who the real dad is and be angry again. The bio father has a right to be a part of the life of his child. So basically you'd be cheating your baby out of bonding with the real father if you gave in to dh's threats. Personally, if anyone threatened me and my baby like that I'd walk away and live on my own. No one is going to threaten to make me or my child miserable and me stay. Since he is even capable of it and threatened it, I'm willing to bet he will do it anyway. He may not be so obvious about it but he'll do it. He'll resent the baby and make the whole family miserable. I think bd should sue for joint custody and visitation. He can have visitation without seeing dh. Not sure any of this helped but good luck with it.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 7:57 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • My opinion is that this whole situation is irreparably broken. Nice job.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:58 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • Then I would put it to my husband this way "You either get rid of your insecurities or get the hell out!" He can be a part-time dad to his own if you are going to have to lie to protect his petty little feelings. If he can't man up and realize that you weren't cheating on him because you were nearly divorced when you got pregnant, then he isn't much of a man!! I don't know that I'd want that around my child. Either of them!!
    Think long and HARD about whether or not your husband really is the man you want to be with!! Don't make your baby pay for your mistake--no matter where you feel that mistake was made. Put the children FIRST. And any man who would tell me he'd hate my child wouldn't be getting the time of day from me, period!!

    You have a mess to clean up. Just make sure the way you do it is best for the children. They rather be FROM a broken home than live IN one--trust me!! I'm old..I know these things.

    SimplyLaine

    Answer by SimplyLaine at 8:09 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • OP SAYS: But I'm stuck between having a happy family and happy kids, or fighting all the time screwed up family and suffering kids :(

    Really?? If that's your decision, an either/or with those two ends, I'd think it would be a no brainer!! Happy Happy vs screwed up suffering....is it REALLY that hard?? You said you were 'nearly' divorced. Sounds like you know the procedure. Will the baby's father be a good husband too?? At least a good friend to you?? Might be worth exploring.

    I gotta tell ya, usually I answer ?s and move on, but this one really bothers me. I truly hope you are able to work things out in a way that gives you the HAPPY HAPPY you and your children deserve!! This breaks my heart to think of that baby having to suffer because your husband is such an ass! Your older child won't fair any better--not a good environment for either child if you ask me.

    Good luck to you!
    SimplyLaine

    Answer by SimplyLaine at 8:13 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • Your baby will NEVER be ass happy as your other child without her REAL bio dad. You are doing a super selfish injustice by keeping the bio dad away from her. You are ruining your own DD's life because of what your selfish controlling DH wants. Admckenzie is %100 correct. He will always hate that child even if he says he doesn't. the ONLY reason he wants to say it's his is to save his own face. He cares not for that child, he cares for his own image. Do youself & your baby a favor & leave that asshole man. I would NEVER EVER be with a man who chooses so selfishly to keep that babies real father (who would REALLY love her) out of her life. You are making one of the worse decisions you could ever make for your baby. I know that sounds harsh, but you don't have her best interest in mind at all. If you did have her best interest in mind, you would not be with your DH who will not allow her REAL father in her life.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 8:37 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • i haven't said I decided on anything. BD and I are on good terms and always have been, its hubby that is close minded. Hubby is selfish and an ass. Hubby would make it a living hell on the kids if I get the BD involoved. But I think it's the right thing to do- to let the baby know her real dad. But is it worth having my hubby drag her through hell her whole life? KWIM?

    I have a kid with hubby so it's not like I can just walk away and never see him again. And the kids are siblings...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:55 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • In my state(WI) any child born within a marriage is legally the husband's child. The bio dad has no standing in regards to the child. If you want bio dad to be part of the baby's life,go thru with your divorce.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:44 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • Do you seriously want to be married to a man who is capable of making your kids' lives a "living hell" because he doesn't get his way??

    What a selfish, immature, sad, and manipulative man.

    Of course letting your daughter know her BD is the right thing to do. Think of what she might say to you years from now if you do not allow her BD to be a part of her life. Sounds like, from what you have said here, that he would be MUCH better for both your kids than your DH.
    inkydorei

    Answer by inkydorei at 10:57 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

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