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Can you be with someone that you don't respect?

DH & I are separated. I have realized that I don't like his parenting choices because he doesn't really discipline my SD (15) or DD (2), and when he does, he is very inconsistent. When we were together, I did most of the parenting, and did a lot of things that worked for SD. When SD & DH moved out, he dropped all of them. She abused her privileges & began failing multiple classes (15 zeros in ONE class!!). Her egg donor ("mom") bought her a cell phone & he puts no restrictions on it at all. He says that since her mom bought it for her that he can't put rules on it ("mom" lives 100 miles away & only sees SD once a month if she's not "busy"). I told him that if that b*tch would be making the rules for our home, then he could kiss me goodbye forever.

But the main thing is this: BM abused SD to the point that she has PTSD. SD has lived with us for 2 years, but we still don't have legal custody. Why?
(cont. below)


Asked by Anonymous at 7:30 AM on Jun. 23, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (6)
  • Anon 7:50- You may want to take a few reading comprehension classes. She said" so that would have paid for a good part of her college" Her meaning the stepdaughter.


    Answer by Anonymous at 7:53 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • (OP)
    Because DH hasn't gotten off his @ss & done anything about it! BM is mentally unstable & threatens to snatch SD. SD has told both of us that she has been terrified this whole time! I have found several lawyers, & DH goes to see them, but that's about as far as it's gone. I can't do anything else because I'm not a legal guardian.
    BM also hasn't paid us any c/s, which added up would have been about $8K by now. I don't care about the money for us, but we aren't going to be able to afford to send SD to college (I am a student, and DH will be starting soon), so that would have paid for a good part of her college, probably a whole associate's degree at our local CC :(
    I also don't respect the choices he makes about her diet (she is obese & he buys crap, not to mention the fact that she binge eats).
    When I bring this stuff up, he treats me like I am THE biggest b*tch in the world. Am I? Or am I justified in losing respect?

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:41 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • So you wanted BM to pay CS to pay for your tuition? Marriage is about compromise and working these things out. It sounds to me like you are a bit self involved (no offense). All the stuff you mentioned sounds like things many families deal with and they don't run out. They stick together and work out a compromise. The abuse your SD went through is why she eats. She needs help and moral support, not just a diet.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:50 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • hmmm, from my point of view ALL of the adults in this poor girls life are not mature enough to handle anything at all. The things you mention to separate from your DH is petty. For one child support is for SD benefit, NOT yours. Two, there are other ways to pay for school. I agree that dear daughter's mental stability needs to be address before you can do anything about her eating habits. Also, you can control what food comes into the home if you do ALL the food shopping yourself. Sounds like to me though, that you don't want to have to do these extra things for your SD's life to be better, but that is part of being any kind of parent. If your DH is not going to step up and help is own daughter the right way, THEN you need to shut up and do it yourself.


    Answer by soonmommyof3 at 8:17 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • If you truly have no respect for him then no, you two shouldn't be married. UNLESS you're both willing to go to counseling & work something out, then that means you are willing to try which is enough to save a marriage. There is always room for compromise.


    Answer by samurai_chica at 8:30 AM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • There are times in every marriage when it is difficult to respect our husbands, but we respect them anyway. Also, a wife cannot change her husband, but she can make him want to change himself. The kicker is that her odds for getting him to want to change are greatly increased when she is respectful of him. One does not have to feel respectful in order to act respectful. It sounds like this girl needs you in her life. In fact, I would say that you could be the difference between life and death to her, maybe not in a physical sense, but emotionally and psychologically. I recommend to you a book entitled FOR BETTER OR FOR BEST by Gary Smalley. It contains many helpful suggestions as to how to approach your husband about making some of the changes you would like to see in him. Nagging and continually pointing out his faults won't work. I think it will be of great benefit to you and could radically change your marriage.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:48 AM on Jun. 23, 2010