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As a stepmom, is it my place to tell dh what to do?

A very long story short is that I have known my stepson since he was 4 months old. He married the mom out of guilt and they started their divorce 6 months later (before the he was born). He has not had much contact with him until he was 3 (he is 4 now) but he is backing away in his involvement. We have a 3 yr old who knows of her half brother but does not know he is her brother and she sends colored pictures in the mail (military and we live overseas for probably the next 4-5 yrs) his mom doesn't have him do the same but that is besides the point. Onto my question: He wants to throw away the Father's Day gift he painted for him. I disagreed and we actually had an argument over it. Please don't tell me he is being a pos but should I just let him do what he wants "because it is his son" or have him keep it in a box which is totally against because he looks at it like a strange child's artwork (you know not that much value)?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:22 PM on Jun. 23, 2010 in General Parenting

Answers (8)
  • So, DH's son sent him a father's day gift and your DH wants to throw it out? Did I read that right? Got confused where you said his BM doesn't send pictures....
    gramsmom

    Answer by gramsmom at 3:25 PM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • Sorry I was trying to cram a lot into a short compressed story but yep he got the card and painted ceramic knick-knack type animal and doesn't want it at all.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:27 PM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • That poor little boy! Your husband is heartless! the kid doesn't see his dad for 3 years,and gets to know him only to have it all pulled away! Yes you have a say in your husband's involvement with his son! The kid will be a stranger to him unless he tries to get to know him. Ever ask him how he'd feel if that was done to him? My dad wanted nothing to do with me,and it broke my little heart.I never forgave him.
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 3:29 PM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • The part about him being a stranger to him doesn't bother my husband...I have tried that approach. Getting him to call him, write, color, draw etc is like pulling teeth. I wonder what this is going to turn into. He spent a month at our house last year in addition to shorter week or weekend visits before we moved away and it was like it had no effect. I wonder what this is going to turn into in a few years. Is he goign to be able to see stepmom is pushing dad to do all of this and be pissed? idk it just seems like every road leads to a place I don't want to be. I don't mean having a stepson at all, I took care of him as an infant its just without having my dh aboard he is not getting the life and experiences I want him to.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:39 PM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • does your dh not care about the child, or is your dh distant because he doesn't want to feel the pain of not being with and knowing his child? sometimes men react differently than women would when it comes to matters of the heart. if he is afraid, then that needs to be dealt with before damage is long term and permanent, i think. if he really doesn't care, then i don't think that there is anything you can do. for now, the question of the father's day gift, can you keep it so dh doesn't know? i would hate for him to regret throwing it out in the future. try not to worry about how the ss views you. the most important relationship is between dh and his son. i love that your dd sends him pictures. i think that is perfect! is there anything ss is interested in, like sports or cars? anything at all that can connect dh and ss?
    happy2bmom25

    Answer by happy2bmom25 at 3:48 PM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • Is he blaming the boy for his failed relationship? Or does he see HER everytime he looks at him? this attitude would make me start wondering what type of father he's going to be to my own son as he grows.I'd start doubting him as a man too.
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 3:48 PM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • Thanks happy2bmom25 I/ we will try to think of somethings they can have in common. He def sees his ex in his son. It is obvious I see it too. They look the same, have the same mannerisms and it is like having a mini her in the house. He has more bad memories with her than I do and when she did things hostile to me and my daughter I know it was from hurt so I can put those out of my mind easier than he can. She was a one night stand after a 4 yr relationship with an ex who he walked in cheating on him. The thing that is so confusing is these actions do not describe my dh. He is a great father to my daughter in all areas from playing to making her feel loved as Daddy's Pumpkin to disciplining her. I guess I just feel like I might be wrong to try to foster a relationship that he is kicking to get out of. idk he is a great guy except for that one area where his worst qualities come out.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:02 PM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • Nope, let him deal with it in his own way.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:08 PM on Jun. 23, 2010

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