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My 20 year old stepson doesn't want to pitch in because he doesn't have his own room.

Very long story, but We all moved into my house because it was bigger. My boys had their own rooms, but I put them together and his kids got the other room. They were with us 1/2 of the time. His son moved in with us full time in 11th grade. Skipped so many days got kicked out of school. Moved in with a friend at 18 didn't come home to stay for 6 months. The room stayed empty so I gave the boys their own room. Stepson came home at 19 and said he wanted to get life together we put a futon for him in one of boys room. It has been a year now. He won't pitch in or do chores. He says why should I. I don't even have my own room. Makes his dad feel guilty and tells everyone we gave his room away. He only works 3 days a week and plays the rest of the week.


Asked by Anonymous at 10:45 PM on Jun. 23, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

This question is closed.
Answers (15)
  • Hand him a lease for his bed, with expectations for his behavior; also hand him apartment listings.

    Answer by rkoloms at 6:31 AM on Jun. 24, 2010


    Answer by Anonymous at 10:51 PM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • He's an adult and if he wants his own room he can pay RENT!
    My older brother always tried to tell my mom he shouldn't have to do dishes, clean the bathroom or mow the lawn, but if you were renting a place, on your own, you'd have to do your own housework right?
    No excuses! He needs to shape up or ship out! He's 20 years old and NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE! He decided to screw off as a minor...

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:55 PM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • He is 20 years old. He is not "trying to get established" he is FREELOADING. He doesn't want to take care of himself or be responsible. When my kids turn 18 they have three choices. College, they can live w/ us rent free as long as they have a 3.0 GPA and no children College, discounted rent and childcare if they have a child...military, won't be living with us, obviously...fulltime job, pays rent...and no my children will never have their own rooms. It is my house, I am not there to give them everything they want and after 18 they aren't supposed to be "comfortable."

    Answer by matthewscandi at 1:21 PM on Jun. 24, 2010

  • I think that it's fair to expect him to do chores and I think he lost the right to his room when he moved out. Our 22yo moved out at 18 and when he moved out to live with a girlfriend and her family we gave his younger brothers their own rooms. When he came back almost a year later he got the couch even though he thought he should have his own room back. We also expected him to do chores, to have a job and to pay $100 a month in rent to cover the extra food, electric and water. He also had a curfew (home by 1a). He lived with us for about 5 mos. and then he moved in to his own place and had his own space. I think that anyone over 18 who is no longer in high school & no in college should be working and paying something to live even with their parents. There are no free rides. If you ss cannot do some basic chores and isn't paying something for the food he eats or the extra elctric and water he uses then he should move out.

    Answer by tracylynnr67 at 4:23 PM on Jun. 26, 2010

  • I agree with PP. Either he helps out or he gets out.

    Answer by dmdblleb at 10:53 PM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • I agree with the others! Time to stop being a doormat. He helps or he's out!

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:55 PM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • i dont really think he should have to pay rent if he doesnt have his own room, and my parents would never make me pay rent anyway. especially not at only 20 before i was established and i was trying to get on my feet. if anything, i would tell him that you want to start seeing him go to college or start working on his life or he has to go.

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 10:59 PM on Jun. 23, 2010

  • purplebutterfly has a point, but then again, he was the one who decided to leave the house in the first placeand then come back after he realized he wasnt mature enough to figure out how to live on his own. i lived with my MIL for free for 3 months when i first moved in with my husband. we got an apartment, and a year later he got laid off and we had to move back in with her. we were giving her 300 a month for the three of us to stay in the living room together...3 of us being me DH and MIL because BIL and SIL were still 18 and 19 and had yet to mature yet and flee the coup. after a few months of that, we moved in with my mom cuz she had more room and were paying all of the utilities there. i say charge him and make him help out. once you leave the first time, your 'child card' is now void.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:01 AM on Jun. 24, 2010

  • You need to hand him an ultimatum. Help or leave. My kids would be out of luck if they thought that the only reason to help out was to get their own room. Sorry, but it doesn't work that way in this world. He left, you did what you thought was best. He needs to "grow a pair" and get over it as it was his decision to leave.
    At 18, and out of high school - you are either working or going to college/tech school. And once college is complete, you have to be actively looking for a job.

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 1:26 PM on Jun. 24, 2010