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Is he wrong or should I apologize?

I'm struggling w/ determining the fact that I'm wrong in this situation but decided to ask yall's opinions b/c I usually don't think I'm ever wrong. Well, my dh cheated not even a year ago (we are trying to work things out) but it seems like he's always trying to find something on me to even out the score so to speak. I rarely bring up the fact that he cheated unless it's really bothering me. well, he's always checking my emails, messengers, whatever. Even the slightest thing annoys him. I've deleted numerous accts that have nothing to do w/ dating, they just made him feel uncomfortable b/c guys try to talk to me even though the site is mainly for gossip news. Well, yesterday was the ice breaker. I have an iphone and you can access all of ur emails. I have a personal acct that he doesn't know abt b/c it's mainly for business. But when he asked I told him (cont'd)

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Asked by Anonymous at 8:42 AM on Jun. 24, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • what it was for and the password. I then asked for my phone back and he wouldn't give it back. I guess he wasn't finished looking through it. I'm like stop looking through my stuff, I'm not the one who should be watched (implying that he cheated and I have no trust w/ him). I basically ignored him and gave him attitude when he gets mad that I got mad, saying that I'm over reacting and that if I'm not trying to hide anything why am I acting like that. I'm just tired of being on watch like I'm a little kid. Just because he cheated doesn't mean that I will! We're not talking right now and I don't think I should apologize b/c I don't feel like I'm wrong, but did I over react?

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:47 AM on Jun. 24, 2010

  • I think you were both wrong. He shouldn't be snooping on your accounts, and you shouldn't be bringing up the infidelity. Once you decide to move past something like that it HAS to remain in the past. Bringing it up (especially almost a year later) isn't healthy. Have you considered seeing a counselor to resolve this? It doesn't sound like either of you have really healed from the infidelity.

    Answer by Scuba at 8:53 AM on Jun. 24, 2010

  • I think he's the one in the wrong. I would try talking to him - not when you guys are fighting about this or he's wanting to look - and say something maybe like 'I love you, and I'm trying very hard to work past the fact that you cheated on me, because I want a happy, healthy relationship with you. But, when you act like you don't trust me and keep wanting to go through my things, it brings back all the anger and pain that I have about what you did, and it upsets me. I've never given you a reason to not trust me, and I need you to show that you love and respect me enough TO trust me. Because if you don't love me enough to trust me, then it makes me wonder if you love me enough for me to be able to trust you"

    Or something along those lines... But I don't think you were wrong to be upset. Good luck!

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 8:56 AM on Jun. 24, 2010

  • i agree with sailorwife. he should totally be focused on how to get his trust back with you instead of not trusting you! i have come to realize that when men act like that they are guilty. i used to have a bf who i knew was a whore, and he would freak out if he called and i didnt answer, or if he txt me and i didnt respond right away, he always thought i was doing something, because he was the one actually doing it and was scared that i would beat him in his own game. i would talk to him and tell him that you are trying to get past this situation and him acting like a private eye is only making it worse and making you not trust him more than ever. also tell him that you have nothing to hide, and ask if he would prefer that you searched through his stuff also seeing how he is the one who did the cheating. and no dont bring it up, but when he starts snooping i would kindly remind him why HE is the one with the questionable acts.

    Answer by secondtyme520 at 9:02 AM on Jun. 24, 2010

  • Have to agree with Scuba on this. I can see why you're pissed, I would be too. He shouldn't be going through all your stuff, especially in the manner he is. It does appear he's looking for something to expose that may not be there. He could be doing this, however, because he knows you're not really over the past and the trust issue.

    If you haven't tried counseling, maybe it will help. If not, and there's no trust, there's no relationship. At least, not a healthy one.

    Answer by rio_burb at 9:04 AM on Jun. 24, 2010

  • He cheated and now he does not want to be on the hot seat alone so now he thinks because he cheated you will do it as well. So now you should demand your privacy and also probably see a counselor because issues like this take on a life of their own when mine cheated he started to blame me and follow me around and call all of my friends to make sure they were who was written on the phone book. I would start to figure out what I wanted and take care of yourself rebuild your self esteem. figure out where you see this relationship going and work on it but most of all find a way to take care of yourself first. GL Momma


    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 9:12 AM on Jun. 24, 2010

  • Guys who cheat do that a lot. They are so paranoid about their own behavior that they believe their mate is doing the same thing. Try checking his phone. His checking makes me think he's doing it to hide his own bad behavior which may have not stopped.

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:14 AM on Jun. 24, 2010

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