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9 Bumps

If you placed one child for adoption and chose to raise another...?

Was it because your situation was different, or why did you make that choice? My daughter that I placed is 3 and I'm pregnant again. I feel that I want to parent this child, my situation has improved and the father of this child will help, even though our financial situation is still far from ideal. I feel like I would have a terrible time trying to explain to my eldest why I kept her sister and not her. I feel like I don't deserve to be a mother to this child, since I chose not to with my first. I felt like I couldn't. I don't want my child to feel like I selected her sister to raise and selected against raising her. Plus, I'm already having the guilt that somebody else could raise my second daughter with less struggles... idk if my first's adoptive parents would take her but then they would be together. I haven't contacted them about that because bf might not sign. Sigh...

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:15 PM on Jun. 26, 2010 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (18)
  • I think, if you are able and desiring to parent this child, then you should. I think you will feel these feelings still, and need a good counselor, but you haven't shown any good reasons to relinquish this child. You can parent financially and with support from the child's father. You desire to parent. You should. Someday, you will have your chance to explain to your first born.
    MarlaMomma

    Answer by MarlaMomma at 12:45 AM on Jun. 27, 2010

  • You have a lot of valid feelings and being pregnant this makes it even more emotional and irrational at times trying to think straight. Please see if you can find a therapist or clergy person to talk to. It is NOT choosing one child over another. You chose the best life you could for your first daughter and you sacrificed a lot giving her up for her own life to be better. She would understand! A family friend was recently reunited with her first son she had given up for adoption. She had two other children she raised and married the father etc. All of them keep in touch now. Do what is right for you and your unborn child. Do not base your decisions on potential hurt feelings or Catch 22s in your head driving you crazy. Please find a friend or family member to talk to if you don't have anyone else. This will eat you up inside going at it alone.
    jamesonjustines

    Answer by jamesonjustines at 12:20 PM on Jun. 26, 2010

  • Glamomomo - I am so happy to see that so far, you are the only one judging this woman whose life and choices you do not know. Everyone else has treated her with dignity and respect, and I applaud them all. Perhaps she planned this pregnancy with the man she reports is ready and willing to parent. Perhaps she was raped with her first pregnancy. Perhaps she had two birth control failures or only one. Who knows? And why should she have to report the details?
    MarlaMomma

    Answer by MarlaMomma at 12:50 AM on Jun. 27, 2010

  • I am sure I wont be the only person saying this but YOU SHOULD BE ON BIRTH CONTROL. You dont even know if you want this baby, if your birth control failed I would just stop having sex until you can actually take care of the children becaue even birth control isnt 100% ( and I am saying this because you obviously do not know that)

    But yes I would feel guilty about raising one child and not another..... usually people in that position can say they are in a better place than they were with the first and therefore felt they were giving the first a better life by giving them up for adoption.... I guess you cant say that though.....
    glamomomo

    Answer by glamomomo at 12:20 PM on Jun. 26, 2010

  • There are a few groups for women that are pregnant and trying to decide what to do. One is called Pregnant and considering options. There are also groups for mother's who have placed their child for adoption, you could get some advice from them and ask any questions you may have. Good luck with whatever you decide and remember you are stronger than you know, if you want to keep your second child you should for sure. Go with your heart.
    Luuckymommy

    Answer by Luuckymommy at 2:26 PM on Jun. 26, 2010

  • Don't give away your second because you gave away your first. Your first may well wonder why you didn't want her and you want the next, that's a common adoptee feeling, on the other hand she might not. A common birth mother feeling, both conscious or unconscious, is that she doesn't deserve to be a mother, that's why so many go on to be childless. Don't fall into that trap. Don't let adoption victimize you twice. Keep your baby.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 5:46 PM on Jun. 26, 2010

  • To answer your question more directly. I was in a different position when I had my twins. I was married. We had very little money but we struggled through the bad years and now we are very comfortable and my twins want for nothing. When I was pregnant with my first child I didn't think I could parent him at that time and still reach my dreams. I regret it now, but there's nothing I can do about that and nothing you can do about giving your first up. That's water under the bridge.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 5:50 PM on Jun. 26, 2010

  • I am birthmother that placed her first child and kept her second who is 2 years younger. My circumstances did not change, same man, same situation. I went through all the same emotions along with the adoptive parents trying to presure me to give them my 2nd child because they are brothers. While I considered adoption again for the exact reasons you're providing, feeling guilty my first son would be hurt, or my second child would feel I wasn't keeping his best interests in mind for keeping him when I had nothing. Feeling like I didn't deserve him, I chose to raise my second son. It wasn't easy in the beginning but things change and I don't regret for a second that I'm raising him. I would suggest counseling to deal with the emotions that will come, but don't give into the guilt and fears, raise your child.
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 2:24 PM on Jun. 27, 2010

  • My good friend did exactly this. She was 17 and pregnant with her first child. The father of that child was not involved and did not want to parent. A few months after the birth of her first child she was pregnant again with her second child. This time the father of that baby was someone who did want to parent and would be a good parent. They married and have been married for over 13 years. They recently had another child together. She does not regret her choices. In fact, she is in contact with her oldest child and his parents, her oldest is a brother in every way to her two children, he spends weekends with them....so for her it worked out. She was able to go to college and complete a degree. With her second pregnancy she knew things would be different. And she turned her life around. Her oldest child and her second child all understand. Happpy, content... Her third child is only a toddler.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 8:27 PM on Jun. 28, 2010

  • Learn from the past.Repeating the past to make it easier to explain to your first daughter just makes more and more explaining to more children .I think talking to a therapist/counselor/clergy but not someone connected to agencies or attys is a great idea.My situation had changed dramatically.I needed no ones help to care for my child.I did have secondary infertility after my first.If not for a husband that thought my idea that my infertility was punishment from God was a crazy idea and a great therapist I would not have had such joy in my life.I am from BSE so the adoption was totally closed and I am not in reunion so I wonder/worry often what my first will think.But I now never doubt having my other children was a gift.

    drfink

    Answer by drfink at 6:45 PM on Jun. 26, 2010

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