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Do you feel ashamed of having a baby out of wedlock?

I have just had my first child a little over a month ago. My family is very traditional in their beliefs on marriage and children and what should come first, as are a few of my friends. When I became pregnant (accidentally, I might add), my fiance and I had planned to be married May 15th. I ended up giving birth May 19th, so obviously I didn't make it down the aisle. Over the course of my pregnancy until the present, I have had people make all sorts of comments about my marital status and my baby. My mother even went so far as to say I should give my bastard child a name and marry my fiance already. Another friend was due 6 weeks before me and someone had made a comment that we were "in the same boat" and she made it a point to say "no we aren't! I'm married and she's not." Have any of you unmarried moms out there had to go through this? I just feel so ashamed its hard to hold my head up sometimes.


Asked by Anonymous at 11:53 AM on Jun. 27, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • My first baby was a surprise as well. I was nowhere near "married".
    Fortunately I don't come from a highly traditional family so I didn't have to go through what you did/are.

    However, I did feel like I was being judged by people I didn't even know a lot of the time. At the grocery store I paid for things using my right hand to hand the money over instead of my left so they couldn't see the lack of ring.
    I felt like I was judged when I went out without my SO. Like everyone thought I was just some trampy chick who just got knocked up and dumped.

    Obviously in hind sight I realize that I was being overly paranoid, but at the time it felt very, very real.

    Don't feel ashamed. You could be doing everything in the "right" order and doing everything "right" but someone, somewhere will find a way to cut you down for it.
    The people who mind, don't matter and the people who matter don't mind.

    Answer by Laila-May at 12:03 PM on Jun. 27, 2010

  • I get it every once in awhile but my boss who is also a pastor said it best. "My grandbabies (what he calls my kids) were a gift from the good Lord, whether you were wed when you had them or remain with their father, in the Lords eyes they are his gifts to you and his children the same as any other. As long as you love them and take care of them have faith that the only opinion that matters is his and he will support you."


    Answer by Trotterswife at 11:57 AM on Jun. 27, 2010

  • I'm sorry. Although my personal belief is to be married, even before sex itself....I'm sorry for how everyone is treating you. You should have the support of your family and friends no matter what you do in life. *huge hugs*

    Answer by CAGirl4 at 11:58 AM on Jun. 27, 2010

  • My SO's Grandfather kept saying (not to us, SO's mother) that the baby would be a bastard if we didn't get married. It didn't really bother me. Our wedding was planned for October 24 of last year, we had our daughter November 24. I do not think you should feel ashamed at all - what matters is having a loving relationship with your fiance, so you can have a loving home for your child. I think it's a lot to deal with getting married & having a baby all at once, I'm glad we postponed it. Now we're getting married next month. Keep your chin up, mama.

    Answer by Wheepingchree at 11:59 AM on Jun. 27, 2010

  • I was ashamed that I had my son out of wedlock, even though we got married 5 months after he was born. We have since divorced and my now fiance and I want children but we are waiting until we are married, as I feel it is smartest for me to do.

    Answer by worriedmommy600 at 12:02 PM on Jun. 27, 2010

  • There is NOTHING wrong with concieving a child with someone you love. Ever. Creating life out of love is sacred and beautiful all by itself, and marriage does not a happy relationship make.

    I'm so sorry your family and friends are so awful to you about this. You did NOTHING WRONG. Look at your child... is there anything to be ashamed of? Really? Your family is beautiful and there is NO REASON to feel bad. Tell everyone where to get off because it's YOUR life and you haven't done anything that you should feel bad about. A piece of paper doesn't make you two any more committed to each other.

    Answer by Ati_13 at 12:03 PM on Jun. 27, 2010

  • Im not married, my daughter is 2.5, im a single mom and my daughters dad is around when he wants to. i used to be ashamed, but not anymore. I believe every child is a gift from GOD and if GOD didnt want her here she wouldnt be here. If they cant understand that then I would walk away. Dont beat yourself up over something like that. I dont know where u live but Im from DC and do you know how uncommon it is for people in theire 20's to even get married. That kind of stuff pisses me off. I know you love your family but I would tell them to fuck off.

    Answer by lilmsnay83 at 12:10 PM on Jun. 27, 2010

  • I was pregnant when I got married. I want to tell you this...DON'T BE ASHAMED!! There is nothing to be ashamed of! You brought a wonderful little life in to this world! It's the 21st century, already, people need to get over the whole "bastard child", "born out of wedlock" bullshit. A child, is a child regardless of whether or not their parents are married. Don't let other's words bring you down. Remember that saying, from elementary school days, "sticks and stones may break my bones..but words can NEVER hurt me!!"

    Answer by offrdngal at 12:27 PM on Jun. 27, 2010

  • I wasn't ashamed. It's really rather common these days. I waited another 2 1/2 yrs after my son was born to marry his father. Yes, people always have their comments and opinions, but they are going to with every aspect of your life. Just take it in stride. People would ask me if we planned to get married and I promptly said "Nope! We're not going to get married just because we have a child together, we want to get married because we feel we are the ones for each other" I said we had no future plans at that time for marriage. My husband married his 1st wife because she was pregnant and that lasted all of 1 1/2 yrs, at which point she was early on in her pregnancy with their 2nd child. My 1 SD doesn't remember her parents being together, and the other SD has never known her parents together. SO did the marriage really make it that much better?

    Answer by xraydri at 12:35 PM on Jun. 27, 2010

  • I dont think anyone should care if they have babies out of wedlock. Who cares really. Where does it say that you have to be married to be good parents. I was born out of wedlock and my parents married becuase of me and that was the worse marriage ever. People should marry because they are in love. Some single parents are better then married parents.

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 12:32 PM on Jun. 27, 2010