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Ok so my boyfriend and i are talking marriage but he has 2 small children, how can I ease the transition into having a new mommy so the children aren't resentful or thinking I am replacing their mother?

they are 1 and 3 both boys I am afraid that they will start hating me once i become their step mother. Just hoping that maybe there are some tricks to get them to feel closer to me and not push me away.

 
Sabiara

Asked by Sabiara at 5:51 PM on Jun. 27, 2010 in General Parenting

Level 5 (63 Credits)
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Answers (10)
  • Just be there for them and love them. Don't be afraid to ask your SO what boundaries he thinks are appropriate. If their mom is not in the picture, there really isn't anything you have to worry about. If she stays out of the picture, they will grow up to know you as their mom (step mom...whatever you all decide) and love you because you were the one that was always there. At this point, they're both so young that they should adapt fairly easily. Do you spend any one-on-one time with them? If not, I would start doing that. I would also discuss with your SO what he would like you to say if the older boy asks you questions about his bio mom. Since she's sadly made the decision to not be a part of their lives, it's important that you and your SO are on the same page, and know how to respectfully handle the situation.
    milfalicious08

    Answer by milfalicious08 at 6:29 PM on Jun. 27, 2010

  • Just spend time with them, show affection to them, be civil to their mother (if she is around) and just because a woman gave them life doesn't mean they have an active mother.
    matthewscandi

    Answer by matthewscandi at 5:59 PM on Jun. 27, 2010

  • just remember

    you aren't their new mommy, they already have a mom<<
    DomoniqueWS

    Answer by DomoniqueWS at 5:55 PM on Jun. 27, 2010

  • don't try to be their "new" mommy, just take care of them and love them. If the real mother doesn't want anything to do with them, it makes the situation a lot less tricky acutally. They are still young, just be there for them.
    hobbitswife04

    Answer by hobbitswife04 at 5:57 PM on Jun. 27, 2010

  • If their BM is not in the picture, it is much easier. Just take them places, if someone mistakes you for their mom don't correct them because it'll make you feel less their mom. Have fun with them, play with them, tuck them in, kiss them, tickle them. Don't expect them to call you mom but, if their mom doesn't come around they eventually will call you mom.
    matthewscandi

    Answer by matthewscandi at 6:02 PM on Jun. 27, 2010


  • Wait until you are engaged to worry about playing step mom, if the youngest is one you should first be sure he loves you for you and not just because he wants someone to be mommy to his kids, and also there is still some unresolved history between mom and dad that he needs to work out on his own.

    I don't think anything should change about your interaction at this point.
    DomoniqueWS

    Answer by DomoniqueWS at 6:02 PM on Jun. 27, 2010

  • never say anything bad about their mom. be good to them. try to understand that things may get tough at any point, it hurts a child deeply if they feel their mother has abandoned them. you and your b/f really need to be on the same page as far as discipline is concerned, because they are so young you will have to discipline them too.
    there are no tricks.
    there is genuine love.
    happy2bmom25

    Answer by happy2bmom25 at 6:20 PM on Jun. 27, 2010

  • We got custody of my stepson when he was 3 1/2. I had never been a mommy before. He had been with his gramma, before that, he hadn't seen him BM since he was 18 months old. He was allowed to call me what he wanted, and I think his gramma encouraged him to call me Mama Dani, because though I told him to call me Dani, he started out with Mama Dani right away. After my daughter was born (I was 6 months pregnant when we got him), I became Mommy in no time. At no time did I push for this or encourage it, but it was his choice. His BM is involved in his life again, marginally, and sees him every few months. She calls him on the phone as well. I will tell him "Your mommy is on the phone" but he calls her "Mama (her first name)" like he did me in the beginning.

    Those little boys are just going to need someone to love them. That's all. Play with them, enjoy them, and love them. That's all it takes to be a mom, "real" or not. Good luck
    Cassidhes_Mom

    Answer by Cassidhes_Mom at 6:40 PM on Jun. 27, 2010

  • yeah but the problem is their real mother doesn't want anything to do with them. That's what makes this so tricky.
    Sabiara

    Comment by Sabiara (original poster) at 5:56 PM on Jun. 27, 2010

  • yeah it's not easy for me bacause i never had my own kids. so im learning right along with them -laughs- i just hope i dont mess it up!
    Sabiara

    Comment by Sabiara (original poster) at 5:59 PM on Jun. 27, 2010

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