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2 Bumps

Can anyone share stories of OAs that improved with time?

Without going into too much detail, I'll try to summarize. Our OA with our first child's bfamily was wonderful for the first four years, but then bmom started using again. After she showed up high for a visit a few months ago and made a big scene, we decided that we'd have to wait to have face-to-face visits with her until she'd been clean a while. All other contact continues, and phone calls are very welcome. We planned to still have visits with the rest of the maternal bfamily. We had a visit planned for this last weekend and I talked to Grandma (bmom's mom) and explained again that I wanted to wait to see bmom until she'd been clean a while, and Grandma said she wasn't going to tell her that we were coming. She did end up telling her, but bmom couldn't make it because of other committments. Now I'm nervous about visiting since I feel that my trust was violated (cont).


Asked by Iamgr8teful at 10:11 AM on Jun. 29, 2010 in Adoption

Level 25 (23,279 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • OP, I think you are to be commended for trying to find a workable solution and still protect your child. Alanaplu3 makes good points on why Grandma may be informing her daughter and maybe she feels like she OWES the info to her daughter. I can imagine that your child's birthmom may feel betrayed or left out of a visit. (Even though it's necessary for a while.) Maybe you could write DD's birth mom a letter explaining your feelings and that you really do want to include her in DD's life, but that she needs to keep herself healthy in order to be a positive role model for DD. I know that you and DD's birth mom used to have a very close relationship and that it pains you to keep her at bay, but you have to do what you have to do for DD. And you are, even now, by continuing to search for a solution.

    I, too, would love to hear stories of encouragement of OA's that started good, got rocky, and panned out well.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 2:28 PM on Jun. 29, 2010

  • Just like you are doing what is best for your child the grandma is try to do the same. I can't even imagine the pain she is going through having a child that is on drugs. Maybe when you talk to the randma next if you tell her one of the reasons you are doing this is so that when the BM is clean your child will not have memories of her high and be scared of her. If you can show how it benifits her child as well she will be more willing to go along with your rules.

    Answer by Alanaplus3 at 11:00 AM on Jun. 29, 2010

  • Ok. I am not sure if my input is really worth anything but, here goes. My AS's BM died (drugs) so, we don't have to worry about her. Her father still insists on seeing my son which is fine. They were trying to direct everything and tell us when they were going to see him and tell us where OUR son was going to go. We finally had to put our foot down and tell them what WE were going to do and they could come visit Alex if they give us reasonable notice. They were telling us that Alex was going to visit them in LA and he was going to stay there for however long. But, I had to tell them there was no way he was going there with them because that was the decision we made. He is doing good here they always screw everything up. Maybe when you are ready to do a visit call them and tell them to meet you somewhere or come to your house and make it VERY clear that the BM can not come and if she is there then they are not welcome either.

    Answer by matthewscandi at 2:35 PM on Jun. 29, 2010

  • I can understand you being nervous about the trust thing. Maybe next time do more of a suprise visit so she does not have the time to inform the bm.

    Look at it from the grandma's place she was probably using it to try and get the bm to clean up. Not saying she was right just saying she may have had reason for it.

    I hope all goes well for you.

    Answer by Alanaplus3 at 10:17 AM on Jun. 29, 2010

  • With the step-parent adoption of my oldest son (my bio-child) it was an adoption on the ground of abandonment by the BF. He called me three months after the adoption was complete asking to see "his son" I told him he didn't have a son with me and that a judge allowed my husband to adopt him because he didn't pay CS and he didn't appear to want a relationship with my son. He said was getting an attorney and have it overturned, there was no contact for a year, then I found BF on myspace and on his profile it said he loved all his children and had my son's name listed. I sent him a message asking him how he could love a child that he didn't know (childish I know.) Anyways, he asked to see him (he couldn't tell my son who he was just "Uncle Mike") so, I allowed BF to see him a couple of times and then we went to BF's mother's house for a Christmas party and one of the younger children there told my son that Mike was his dad cont..

    Answer by matthewscandi at 4:34 PM on Jun. 29, 2010

  • that Mike was his dad first. My son didn't care anything about it, we had told him he was adopted but, he was 4 and didn't really know what that was. When we got home we (hubby and I) explained to him that Mike was his dad first but, he was ready to act like a dad so, daddy adopted him and mommy and daddy take good care of him. Mike called wanting him on a regular basis at his home and I told him no. For awhile visits continued at restuarants and things. One day my son when he was 5 he asked to go to Mike's house to play with his son's, I let him and then BF thought he was going to start getting EOWE visits like a joint custody agreement, I told him no way. He missed out when he abandon my son. We ended up moving to TX from GA but, there is still contact between the children and me and the "stepmom" have contact through FB. I want my son to go visit but, I can't drive him there and everytime I think of him flying alone I have

    Answer by matthewscandi at 4:40 PM on Jun. 29, 2010

  • (cont) I know that none of you can tell me what the future holds, but I would feel encouraged to hear stories of difficult situations that turned around.

    Comment by Iamgr8teful (original poster) at 10:12 AM on Jun. 29, 2010

  • Alanaplus3, I think that a surprise visit is probably our best way to continue seeing the rest of the bfamily until bmom gets clean. Grandma did say that bmom sounded good on the phone (meaning that she thought she was not high). The only problem with that is that she might get high before coming. That is what happened the last time. She sounded fine on the phone but got messed up before coming over.

    Comment by Iamgr8teful (original poster) at 10:50 AM on Jun. 29, 2010

  • Matthewscandi, thanks for your input. I thought it was useful because you gave a great example of setting limits, which you sometimes have to do. Your child's grandparents needed a reality check. As the parents, you decide where and when your child will visit.

    Comment by Iamgr8teful (original poster) at 3:06 PM on Jun. 29, 2010

  • DBF, thanks for your input, too. You know more details than I posted here. Thanks for always being there to listen and offer encouragement. You are an angel!

    Comment by Iamgr8teful (original poster) at 3:46 PM on Jun. 29, 2010