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3 Bumps

Help me!!

I have just signed my rights over to my 3 girls. I am having a hard time dealing with it. The adopted mom said that she would keep it a open adoption but in are state open adoption isent legal so it pretty much is her word. Well it has been almost 6 months and I have hurd nothing from her. My daughters birthday is in a few days and I sent a present for her and a picture of me. They are all so young I wounder if it is better for them if I just stay gone. What should I do?? Help

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mygirls255

Asked by mygirls255 at 4:16 PM on Jun. 29, 2010 in Adoption

Level 2 (11 Credits)
Answers (16)
  • I say keep calling the adoptive family and sending letters, you might also consider talking with an attorney. I am so sorry that you are in this kind of situation. I grew up in an open adoption and I feel it is truly best for a child to have at least some contact with the birth family.
    MiddletonFamily

    Answer by MiddletonFamily at 4:18 PM on Jun. 29, 2010

  • That is a hard one... I would have asked her to put it in writing so that it would be consider a legal document. Maybe call and ask to see her for her birthday? ( I always wanted to see my dad and he wasn't around but when she is older they always get the urge to find there bio parents.)
    Claudiomom

    Answer by Claudiomom at 4:19 PM on Jun. 29, 2010

  • Why do you list on your profile 1 kid, a 4 y/o girl? Was she not relinquished? Did your case involve the state? Just wondering....

    You can reach out to the adoptive parents thru a letter or email. If you have an address for them, send your package and hope they give it to her. Keep a picture of it and make a copy of any correspondence that you send so that if they don't respond, when they are older, you can show them your efforts.

    Also, as we've been discussing, "open adoption" does NOT mean visits or phone calls. It CAN, but it doesn't always. Open adoption means that you have the identities of the adoptive parents and they have yours as well. That's it. Did you discuss certain ways of staying in touch?
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 4:29 PM on Jun. 29, 2010

  • Claudiomom, she could write it down, but that doesn't make it a legal contract. Yet another myth. Open adoptions cannot be legally enforced.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 4:30 PM on Jun. 29, 2010

  • I wonder if she just told me what I wanted to hear since I was going to a long term treatment center I thought that would be the best thing for my girls. I have been clean over a year and my reward that I was looking for was being able to see them. She changed her number. My mom has it for emergency'sand won't give it to me. I feel like she stole my children. I really have no right to them at all so even just a picture is a blessing.I wanted to get all three of them lockets with a picture of me and them from when they were baby but my mom keeps telling me to let go. She thinks I need to go talk to a preast or go to some counceling. They are on my mine all day long. I feel like this pain will never go away.

    mygirls255

    Comment by mygirls255 (original poster) at 4:34 PM on Jun. 29, 2010

  • Yes the state was involved. No I signed over all three of them.
    mygirls255

    Comment by mygirls255 (original poster) at 4:37 PM on Jun. 29, 2010

  • You said she agreed to keep the adoption open. Did both of you make it very clear what that means to you? Like a PP said, that might have meant something entirely different to her than it meant to you. If she has no reason to believe that contact would not be in the kids' best interests (like some extreme situation), then she has a moral obligation to keep in contact.

    I would go ahead and send the gifts. You could also send the amom a letter asking if she could send you some pictures and an update. Try to be specific and ask for that every three months (or whatever). If you don't say how often you'd like it, she may get busy and think once a year is enough.

    It would be good if the two of you could talk woman to woman and get on the same page. Let her know that you see her as their mom, but still want to be a part of their lives so they don't lose contact. GL!
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 5:08 PM on Jun. 29, 2010

  • You have suffered a severe loss. And so has your mother, I'm surprised she expects you to get over it so quickly. You do need counseling, I got a therapist to help me with my adoption grief and she was really helpful. I think it's very understandable for you to feel like your children were stolen from you.


    As far as your children go, no I don't think it would be better for them if you stayed gone. You do need to accept that they have a new mom now, but don't think they will get over being separated from you so easily. Continue to send letters and gifts to your girls. Send copies to the Lawyer or Agency that handled your adoption and ask them to keep copies in the file in case they don't get to your girls. Also keep copies for yourself.

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 5:55 PM on Jun. 29, 2010

  • Continued. Adoptees need to know that their mothers loved them and didn't forget them. It hurts them to think you just gave them away and didn't look back and they often wonder if there was something wrong with them to make you not want them. It's important to keep sending the message to your children that you love them and think about them.


    Show the adoptive parents that you are stable and doing well in your life so that they are not threatened by your presence and they may well relax and start being more open with you. Best of luck and I'm so sorry for your loss.

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 5:58 PM on Jun. 29, 2010

  • OP, I'm glad that your are in a much better place for your girls now, even if they aren't aware of it. I agree with onethentwins about keeping up your end of the contact, and keeping copies. Since the state was involved, the adoptive mom was probably told that she should cut ties with you, that the girls shouldn't see you. I don't know what happened in your case, but it doesn't matter. You are a better mom now. Yes, they've been adopted, but that doesn't erase your relationship to your girls. It's important to get the support you need (I've sent you a PM) and the counseling from someone that you feel comfortable with and that you can trust. I don't think your mom intends to hurt you, she just doesn't have a clue. You are not alone. You need to find a way to focus in the present & on the future so that WHEN your girls find you (or if amom changes heart, and she could...) you will still be in this healthy state of mind. Hugs!
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 7:29 PM on Jun. 29, 2010

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