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2 Bumps

so im really about tired of his sh!t!

so we have been together for 4 years, engaged to be married, with 2 children. and he acts like a spoiled brat. hes 23 and im 26 and he communicates about as well as a rock. he will say something and i will tell him that the way he said it makes me feel a certain way or like hes trying to blame something on me, and he gets angry saying that he shouldnt have to change how he says anything that i should just know when he doesnt mean something that way. he will says a piece of what hes actually thinking and when i get upset about it he tries to switch it around like well i actually meant it like this but you werent paying attention, when he really only says 1/2 what he means and wants me to fill in the rest. if i dont understand or misinterpret something he says i tell him, and he gets ill bc he says he shouldnt have to explain it to me i should get it. and then when i try to talk it out he says he has nothing to say! what to do?

 
secondtyme520

Asked by secondtyme520 at 9:27 AM on Jul. 1, 2010 in Relationships

Level 13 (1,344 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • Marriage is not easy. Even the well matured veterans of marriage, still have issues in thier marriages but it takes TWO people willing to make it work...work...you don't settle, you communicate, get the main issues out of the way and go from there. You also have to take responsibility for the issues you bring in the marriage and realize that he may feel the same way you are feeling. You also must see things from his perspective too, not just yours. ONe thing I've learned in my marriage is to know my husband. Of course I won't know everything about him but I know his trigger points. I know how to get a rise out of him...I know how to calm him...I know how to talk with him so he can see my point and I also know how to listen to him to see his point of view as well...but that all comes with WORK and maturity (not just age wise). Someone has to take the lead in changing the way your relationship is working right now...good luck

    treasured_hope

    Answer by treasured_hope at 11:29 AM on Jul. 1, 2010

  • when he really only says 1/2 what he means and wants me to fill in the rest
    _______________
    I thought i was crazy, my man does this, then last year i was talking to his mother, she told me that he has always done this, now i joke that he must have thought it very hard, and i was supposed to hear it because he did not mention it out loud

    not much suggestion on how to "fix" him, just wanted to let you know that I am in your boat

    let's take that boat on a long relaxing cruise

    ALL ABOARD!!!
    (drinks are free of course and massages too)
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 9:32 AM on Jul. 1, 2010

  • OK gonna likely say a few things you wont like ok? so i apologise in advance.
    1)men mature more slowly than women. you are a 26 year old woman wiht a 23 year old YOUNG MAN. this almost BEGS for trouble.
    2)it DOES sound like you likely fillin the blanks in the most negative worst way. maybe its a habbit you two have fallen in to?
    3)men either THINK or FEEL. they rarely do both at once. men are a LOT less verbal than women when it comes to expresing themselves. they usually express themselves in a more physical way. not meaning sex. but in actions they choose to take IE say hiding in a computer game like my hubby does. i know when he does this he is very unhappy about something but ccannot find the words to express it.
    men are from mars women are from venus is not a catch phrase its the truth. i think maybe you should STOP reading things in to what he says or doesnt say. after 4 years you should know better what he means
    sati769leigh

    Answer by sati769leigh at 9:33 AM on Jul. 1, 2010

  • If you 2 cannot communicate, you should NOT get married. Don't be dillusional and think that getting married will change this. If it's something that you cannot fix, don't progress any further with the relationship. Any relationship is about compromise. Maybe you should start with that rather than to try and 'change' anything. At this point, you may want to talk with someone who isn't biased in the relationship. They can usually give some helpful tips on how to work thru issues
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 9:30 AM on Jul. 1, 2010

  • also he will ignore me when im trying to talk to him about a situation like that. im tired of always trying to be the only one having a thought out grown up conversation. he would rather just leave things unfinished and move on, i like to talk it out and resolve an issuse so it doesnt come and bite me in the butt later. he is terrible about waiting for another fight to happen and then will bring up everything that has made him angry that i tried to get him to talk about before. so i told him that if he didnt want to talk to me that was fine but do no expect for me to forgive and forget and act like nothing happend when you wont even talk it out. i told him that if he couldnt talk it out that i wasnt going to talk to him! im just fed up with his childishness, so right now I want to be the childish one. im just so done trying to force him to talk things out. he cant see how not talking it out is going to ruin us.
    secondtyme520

    Comment by secondtyme520 (original poster) at 9:30 AM on Jul. 1, 2010

  • just because she is venting about a typical non word communicating man, does not mean that they could not have a good marriage
    maybe some couple therapy would help, but i would not say that she should not get married, she has to weigh her feeling, not just take a one day vent about one thing (althoough communication is a big one) and tell someone not to marry

    Just My Opinion

    i read book
    women are from venus men from Mars
    it helped me realize that most men are very very bad at comunication, it comes natural for us women

    if he will not go to therapy, try reading up on why men seem so stupid when they try to use words
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 9:37 AM on Jul. 1, 2010

  • sati...
    what you said is right on target
    nothing bad there
    men are slow
    and they do express in actions not words
    funny you mentioned same book as me

    i got alot from book, i read some out loud to my man, he and i were in bed, i think some actually went in one ear and did not come right out the other, i think he appreciated me knowing that men do not communicate the same as woemn, and he liked knowing that us women like to use words ( i think he liked, he did not say, but he grunted that way and i had to make an asumption if what uggh meant)
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 9:41 AM on Jul. 1, 2010

  • thanks sati769leigh no need to apologize those r some of the things i was looking for. i do realize that i have gotten myself into this situation i knew that when we got together (we was freshly 19 and i was 22 with a 2 yr old child) that i was going to be hard, my neighbor is older than her hubby and she also warned me early how rough it was but she says they have overcome that as he has matured over the years. i just get SOOOOO frustrated. if it were me pointing the finger or even remotely making a statement like that he would have been pissed! but when he does or says something he never sees the harm in it. well not im just fed up and at a crossroads. our relationship is at a hault, and im trying to figure which way to go. i know that if i choose to stay i will have to be the bigger person and ignore a lot of things i may want to ATTACK. but is it worth it, he a good dad, hes just having a hard time juggling everything!
    secondtyme520

    Comment by secondtyme520 (original poster) at 9:44 AM on Jul. 1, 2010

  • my question sati is that if he leaves something up in the air for me to interpret, then how can he get mad if i dont take it how he wanted me to? this morning i was showing him a spot in our bathroom that is getting weak from water leaking under the place (which i told the landlord about like 3 months ago) and his response was "well i tried to tell you that already", what positive things could i have taken from that? my response was that i felt like he was trying to point the finger at me like it was my fault or i hadnt told the lady already. and really all i was looking for was a well no i didnt mean that i meant xyz. but he gets mad! i dont know how to handle those situations! so he finally after cursing and getting all ill he said "i meant we told the landlord about it already but you jumped to conclusions". i just dont understand what other conclusion i could have jumped to from his actual statement!
    secondtyme520

    Comment by secondtyme520 (original poster) at 9:53 AM on Jul. 1, 2010

  • firs tof all... take responsibility for your own feelings. nothing anyone says or does makes you feel any way. when you put things that way you are doing exactly what you are blaming him for... a better way to say it that doesn't put him automatically in defense mode is to say, "it sounds like you're saying ___ (in your own words) is that right?" if he agrees, then you say, i am angry about that because.... and allow him the opportunity to explain himself better. you have a communication problem on both ends, not just his. in reading your additional comments, you are acting just as childish and defensive as he is. the good news is that both of you can learn better communication if you choose to - it will take work. but you need to take ownership of the problem too, not just lay it all on him. tell him you think you could BOTH work on communication (which involves talking AND listening) and see if he is willing.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 10:37 AM on Jul. 1, 2010

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