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2 Bumps

What to do. SO has child with other woman

So SO and I split and during the split he slept with some woman twice. She now has a child a couple of weeks younger than our youngest DD. This all *just* came out. I didn't know he slept with her. If I did we wouldn't have gotten back together. This all came out during counseling. He told me he slept with her. I knew she had gotten pregnant at the time. But thought it was her BF's (she cheated on her BF). I told him (he had no idea she was pregnant or had a baby they stopped talking as soon as he decided to come

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:41 PM on Jul. 1, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • This happens more often than you know. It takes a woman with a HUGE heart to embrace a child of her husband's that she didn't carry. This says more about your ability to accept fate rather than divide your family. I don't know about the mother, but if she's unstable in any way, you may end up being the anchor in that child's life. You have been linked to this child for a reason. Make it a positive one. I also agree that the siblings should know each other. Sibling bonds are very important. It's great that you are in counseling. That says that you are committed to your family, for better or for worse. (This falls in "worse", although I don't think that ANY child is a mistake. Poor planning does not equal "a mistake". Children are blessings regardless of how they come to us.) Wishing you a heart that's at peace. Hugs!
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 12:25 AM on Jul. 3, 2010

  • =( Forgive him. You weren't together and he made a mistake. Congrats!! you have another child! =) Do you guys get visitation? if you don't GET it! Not for you or him but for your children. They are half siblings and they need to knw each other. I JUST met my half sister and I'm 27. Bio-mom sounds crazy but go around her. Get a case worker and work with them. Good luck !
    NoahsMomma418

    Answer by NoahsMomma418 at 5:44 PM on Jul. 1, 2010

  • it's normal to feel like you do. however, you said that this happened while you two were not together. how long have you been back together? how has the relationship been during that period?

    MommyToEthan

    Answer by MommyToEthan at 5:44 PM on Jul. 1, 2010

  • I know that your hurt, but it was a mistake that he made and he knows that. I would forgive him and work on things as well as getting visitation with the child so that he can know this wonderful little person that is part of him. I wish you luck.
    coala

    Answer by coala at 5:57 PM on Jul. 1, 2010

  • I understand your feelings. This happened to me with my ex-husband (but was never a part of why we got divorced). I had a hard time accepting the fact that MY husband had fathered a child with someone else, but ultimately I had to tell myself that we were NOT together when he slept with her. I don't consider it cheating because at the time, we had no plans to get back together.

    Right now, it sounds like you have to weigh your options. If you love him, and want to be with him, you need to continue with counseling and deal with this issue. Is he going to be a part of this child's life? If so, I agree that a visitation order should be in place so the bio mom can't refuse visitation. This is NOT your fault! She and your SO are to blame for this! How she can put any blame on you is beyond me.
    milfalicious08

    Answer by milfalicious08 at 5:57 PM on Jul. 1, 2010

  • I am sorry you are going through this, my hubby and I separated from about 3 months and I don't know how I would of reacted if this came out in the open 3 years after getting back together. You said you love him and you want things to work out, I know that forgiving may be hard but I think it has taken alot from him to come out and tell you this, he has probably been carrying this around and may be a form of his "starting over fresh" with you. You are going to counseling, I think it's great, we did too. Try to forgive him, but forgiveness can take time. He has told you the truth now, forgetting may take longer than forgiving but for the sake of your marriage you should try to continue to work things out, Hugs momma, hope everything works out for the best.
    LuvmyFam6

    Answer by LuvmyFam6 at 6:17 PM on Jul. 1, 2010

  • There's somethings worth getting over, and somethings that there aren't. Sure, this sounds like and accident; he didn't technically cheat, and according to him he had no idea up until recently, but the fact of the matter is that the damage has been done. Have a baby and a life with someone is sacred and intimate...its no longer that way with you 2. Now there's some other chick out there who's child is a constant reminder. Your anger is valid, and my BF would be lucky if I personally ever spoke with him again. I can't imagine this for myself. Don't feel rushed or almost forced into making things things work for your child or because he wasn't entirely wrong, only do it if you TRULY want to, and I'd even say give yourself time to get over the anger. Give yourself time to breathe and think - by yourself.
    nappeal

    Answer by nappeal at 6:21 PM on Jul. 1, 2010

  • You state you want to fly to his Mom's. One thing you cannot do is run from your problems. You have to tackle them head on to get over it and get through it so you can be a bigger person.

    What happend while the two of you were apart is unfortunate but it is what it is. I'm not sure why your step daughters mother has any issues with you because her dealings should be with her child's father and the rest of the bs she can take somewhere else. Don't allow her to get the best of you because that may be her desire. Stay focused on your family and do what needs to be done to get passed this so you can have a happy life...gl
    treasured_hope

    Answer by treasured_hope at 12:54 PM on Jul. 2, 2010

  • Sorry you're going through this and its normal to be so angry with both of them. However that child needs a father no matter how much of a bitch the mother is. You were split up so he didnt cheat on you. I think you should try to get visitations/partial custody of the baby and treat them as you would have if he came into the relationship with the child. The child didnt ask to be brought into this effed up situation. It would take a long time to regain the trust back but you can work though it. Good luck.
    maddoxsmama

    Answer by maddoxsmama at 6:28 PM on Jul. 1, 2010

  • Accept it - Deal with it - Go with it - Move on.
    Make the best life you can with all of you family.
    Don't hold a grudge, it will do you and your family no good.
    QandA

    Answer by QandA at 6:46 PM on Jul. 1, 2010