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Super defiant or super lazy?

Anyone else have a child that is just super defiant and lazy.
My oldest dd turned 10 on Monday. Her BFF turned 11 on Sunday. They have always gotten together to do something for their birthdays (ever since they were toddlers).
So her friend's mom called me last night and agreed to pick her up at noon today for a sleepover. Her friend moved away a couple years ago so they don't see each other much.
You would think that would be a major motivator for her to get her chores done. But nope.
I told her she had to straighten up her room, put her laundry away and help with the messes in the rest of the house. She'd rather pout in her room. She has 3 hours to get it done and she absolutely refuses to lift a finger. She would rather call her friend and say she's not coming than clean anything.
Anyone else have to deal with this day in and day out? I'm left being the "mean mom" because I won't let her go 'til her chores are done.


Asked by justanotherjen at 9:58 AM on Jul. 2, 2010 in General Parenting

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Answers (10)
  • hmmm..that's a tough one. on one hand, you want to punish your dd and show her you are serious about discipline and her doing her chores in a timely manner. on the other hand, you're punishing the other girl, too, by denying her a visit with your daughter. however, the other girl isn't your main concern, so i'd stick to my guns, make her call the girl and tell her why she can't come. then, continue your stand..and even when she decides to do what should've already been done, she'd still in trouble and needs to watch her step. take more from her..she's got to learn that mom's word means business, and she can't have it her way all the time. she needs to learn from her mistakes/decisions that there are consequences. pick something that means a lot to her, and use it to your advantage.
    this is how we deal with our 5yo ds..if she's gonna act like a 5yo..well....??

    Answer by dullscissors at 10:04 AM on Jul. 2, 2010

  • Do you follow thru when you make these rules? I'm not trying to be snarky, but I know a lot of mom's who do the same thing, but they do not follow thru and the kids know it, so why do the chores if they are going to be allowed to do what they wanted anyway? If she doesn't clean, follow thru. Yes, you will be the mean mom. You will get over it.

    Answer by layh41407 at 10:02 AM on Jul. 2, 2010

  • It must be in the air with 10 year olds! My ten year old son does the exact same kinds of things. If you find the trick to this, let me know! I honestly do believe it is the age, they are "tweens" so they are trying to transition from being a "little kid" to being a more independant "teenager". Honestly, I think most of the time with my son, it is his way of trying to assert his independance and ability to make his own decisions, but he does not get that sometimes adults don't even get to decide everything, lol! So, honestly what I tell him is this, your room is your "job", if I don't do my job there are reprecussions, and you should expect the same. If you don't do your job, you are going to lose something, and leave it at that.

    Answer by mommy11260 at 10:03 AM on Jul. 2, 2010

  • My 12 year old wants to go to some exhibit, but won't clean her room so she hasn't gone to see it. We have until the school year starts, then it's too late. But she still hasn't cleaned her room. I thought I was the only one with this problem.

    Answer by Mommy2mj at 10:00 AM on Jul. 2, 2010

  • I remember being like that. My mom tried the whole if you don't clean it I'm just going to throw everything away act, but it didn't work. I don't know of anything that would have worked actually.

    Answer by AmazingAmanda at 10:02 AM on Jul. 2, 2010

  • I think she is both, good for you for sticking to your rules!

    Answer by older at 10:06 AM on Jul. 2, 2010

  • This isn't a new "tween" thing with her.  It's been going on for years.  She has ruined every single family outing I have planned since she was about 4 or 5.  Every time she has to clean anything she does this and would rather sit in her bed for 8 hours out of the day screaming and crying that she's bored than clean a single thing.  It's annoying.

    She spends most of her time grounded to her room until she wants to clean it.  She won't clean so she just sits there and pouts and tells me she hates me, that I'm a horrible mother and that she's bored, her life is ruined etc.  All she has to do is pick up her freaking mess.  In fact all she has to do is put her laundry in the hamper when she takes it off, not throw it everywhere then whine about having to pick it up.


    Comment by justanotherjen (original poster) at 10:16 AM on Jul. 2, 2010

  • Oh, and I feel bad (forgot the mention this) because we are moving out of state before the school year starts and she won't get to see her friend again.  They have been friends since they were babies (they first met when my dd was 3 weeks old and this girl had just turned 1, her mom was my best friend growing up and they lived next door to us until the girls were 8 and 9).

    I want her to be able to spend time with her best friend before we leave but she still has to do her chores.  She always has some excuse why she can't do anything (it's not mine, I didn't make the mess, I don't feel like it, etc).  It goes on and on.  She shares a room with her 4yo sister and somehow it's never her that made the mess but she is also extremely selfish and won't help her sister clean anything so they both just sit there and cry and nothing gets done.  It's a never ending battle.


    Comment by justanotherjen (original poster) at 10:19 AM on Jul. 2, 2010

  • My 9 year old daughter has always been like that. When she was 4 she'd tell me to throw her toys away rather than her pick them up. It's lazyness and I found it's best just to make them do it so they know they can't cop out every time they don't want to do something.

    Answer by Blueloveaura at 10:31 AM on Jul. 2, 2010

  • I would let her go and when she came home her room would be cleaned my way...what wasn't picked up and put away get's thrown away, or put up until she earns it back. Do that and she will get the hint, all I have to say is I will get the trash bags and stuff get's picked up.

    Answer by luckysevenwow at 10:42 AM on Jul. 2, 2010