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4 Bumps

What do I do with DH who doesn't want me?

Actually, I don't think he's wanted me for years. Granted, I've gained about 15 lbs, but nothing is shifting that weight -- diets, exercise, nothing. I'm stuck. I had bilateral Bell's Palsy when I had DS, so my face isn't as symmetrical as it used to be, but there's nothing I can do about that. I'm not a perfect housekeeper, but I'm better than I used to be.
I just don't understand. Am I that hideous? Am I that fat and ugly? (5'6", size 10, former pageant winner)

I can't make him see a doctor because he'd never in a million years ask a stranger about low libido.

I've told him that I'd love to have sex more often and he agrees, but then never does anything about it. When I approach him, he turns me away more often than not, so I've learned not to start anything. Rejection hurts.

We've been married almost 16 yrs and for the last 12 or so we've had sex 3-5 times a year and not at all this year.

Am I stuck? Is this it?


Asked by Anonymous at 9:20 AM on Jul. 4, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • first of al all those things you listed are your own insecurities wreaking havoc on your spirit. 15 pounds doesnt make ANYONE FAT, and he married you and has been married to you 16 years. so i highly doubt any of the issue is anything to do with YOU. men change like women do over time. sounds like he might have a health issue going on. low libido in men is OFTEN the sign of something else even something like high cholesteral. which makes it very important he just goes to the Dr even ot have a physical to make sure nothing else is wrong. doesnt have to be for low libido. is he loving and affectionate towards you otherwise?

    Answer by sati769leigh at 9:43 AM on Jul. 4, 2010

  • You probably need to go to couples counseling. I don't believe it has to do anything with your appearance. This one is on him, his has personal issues. Approach the subject very carefully.


    Answer by musicmom08 at 9:35 AM on Jul. 4, 2010

  • It could be that your husband is deficient in some key vitamins and minerals that have affected both his mood and his sexual performance. All B vitamins, magnesium, zinc and vitamin C play roles in mood and sexual function, and it is estimated that 60-75% of American males are deficient in these vitamins and minerals. If he won't ask his healthcare provider about low libido, maybe he will ask for a serum vitamin and mineral panel to determine any deficiencies.

    Answer by Fistandantalus at 11:31 AM on Jul. 4, 2010

  • Absolutely not! I think you, like the rest of us, have many talents and should consider putting those to work. Get outside your house and volunteer for a good organization, Red Cross is always looking! Then you can start to put some of that good feeling back in your heart and your body will follow suit! I think you may have way too much time on your hands and when you have to ask for sex, that is a bad sign right there. Let him do what he needs to do and you do what you need to do and hopefully that will empower the marriage. Join a womens walking group, bonding with our own gender is a huge plus for these times of depression and lonliness. It is a fact that you cannot be happy and depressed at the same time and when you work out the indorphins kick in and you cannot be depressed! Try it, you will discover great rewards in helping others by helping yourself!

    Answer by bronsmom at 9:27 AM on Jul. 4, 2010

  • this is not about YOU. his actions are not matching his words... he says he wants to have sex more but turns it down, etc. you are only stuck if you want to be... he must be willing to communicate and face whatever his issues are in order for things to change between the two of you. whenever i have had a lack of interest in sex in the past it boils down two one of two things: unhappiness with my partner/relationship OR preoccupation with other things going on in life that are stressful. but i really don't think this is about you - if it is, it is not your appearance - it may be a lack of communication on both ends. sati... asks a good and important question - what is your relationship like other than sex?

    Answer by figaro8895 at 9:59 AM on Jul. 4, 2010

  • It's not about you. Men sexually peak at 19 so he's rolling down hill. Women peak at 40. See the problem? I didn't date for 15 yrs bc I gained 80 lbs and had scars and blah blah blah, thinking I was fat and ugly and no one would want me. Boy was I wrong. For the shallow men, they just want sex and don't care about what the woman looks like. For real men, they like the woman inside the shell (body). For the men who have low libido, I agree to have him eat healthy foods. Many times foods and vitamins can jump start a man's libido. Dr Oz suggested something called Ashwaghanda. You can get it over the counter. Unless dh has a medical condition that prohibits the use of it, I'd ask him to try it. However, he may have high blood pressure or diabetes and should get checked just to rule them out. SO has HBP and has a hard time maintaining an erection. Sometimes he doesn't want to play bc of it but I tell him he rocks no matter what!

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:17 PM on Jul. 4, 2010

  • is he cheating? he's having the issues not u & it's affecting your self esteem which isn't good!

    Answer by mrsary at 1:20 PM on Jul. 4, 2010

  • I think you guys need marriage counseling. Marriage takes a lot of work and it doesn't seem like both of you are working in this relationship

    Answer by MsHouseWife at 3:10 PM on Jul. 4, 2010

  • sweetie....this has NOTHING to do with your weight or appearance! For some reason he is not committed to this relationship anymore. There could be dozens of reasons-but most prob have to do with him and what he wants in life. You said it yourself, he hasn't seemed happy for a long time. Some men can't handle it after they get married and have kids--it's like they lose it when they think their "freedom and youth" are gone. It's something inside him, and NOT you.
    But it's affecting you so you need to do something about it. Talk to him...find out what he is thinking. You need counseling-go alone if he won't go with you. Open the communication lines and hopefully things can be worked out.
    The worst thing that can happen-he says he wants to leave. But is he really there now anyway?? You deserve someone committed to you and your kids! Good luck!

    Answer by connorsmom1970 at 10:18 PM on Jul. 4, 2010

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