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14 Bumps

Ever what to just walk away?

I am a birthmother to a very soon to be 3 yr old. I miss her more than I ever thought I could or would. I did what was best for her at THAT time. I get one visit per yr which is usually about 2 hours. I get pics twice a year.

Her parents and I were way more open than this the first year. Things have come to almost a complete stop. I want to truly build a relationship with her parents. But they seem to want to step furthur away.

I feel as if I live by the mail box. I check and hope for mail that I know isnt there or coming but when a special day comes, like her bday, I just assume that there would be pics and a letter.

So anyway, my questions is this, have any other birthmother decided that maybe it is just best to step back and wait for a few years to maybe try again or just completly walk away?

Answer Question
 
TLW514

Asked by TLW514 at 1:16 AM on Jul. 5, 2010 in Adoption

Level 7 (186 Credits)
Answers (23)
  • I dont think i would ever stop or give up on my child!
    DeeMarie87

    Answer by DeeMarie87 at 1:20 AM on Jul. 5, 2010

  • I can't answer this but I bumped you hoping someone else can. I am so sorry you are going through this. Are there any adoption support groups for birthmothers? Can you tell them honestly how you feel and tell them how important it is to you to be a part of her life while respecting they are her parents? honestly, my heart goes out to you.
    jamesonjustines

    Answer by jamesonjustines at 1:21 AM on Jul. 5, 2010

  • i can't answer this question either because when I was 17 I got pregnant to my oldest son an considered adoption seriously butg I was too selfish I kept him he is now 30 and some days I wonder what his life would have been like if I had my heart goes out to you just a little note my best friend when I was a child placed her child up and they now communicate regularlly and she was adopted and she and her birth mom talk as well. theres hope.
    dynameteduck

    Answer by dynameteduck at 1:28 AM on Jul. 5, 2010

  • I would love to walk away from being adopted- and just be normal.

    I would love to not have to struggle with being torn between 2 Mothers....and feel as though I don't fit in either family
    .
    I would love to have the same rights afforded to me as a citizen as 'non' adoptees.

    I'd like to know - if adoption is so wonderful - why does it hurt soooo bad?

    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 5:57 AM on Jul. 5, 2010

  • I would love to have the same rights afforded to me as a citizen as 'non' adoptees.

    What does this mean? I am interested in this....
    soyousay

    Answer by soyousay at 9:48 AM on Jul. 5, 2010

  • You did what was best, remember that... live your own life! If your life isn't together, get it together- focus on the positive... do not make that child be torn b/t 2 parents.
    MDT09

    Answer by MDT09 at 10:37 AM on Jul. 5, 2010

  • Wow, TLW514, I'm sorry that many assumptions are being made about your character!!! I'm sorry that you haven't received responses from first moms that you are looking for yet.

    You know that I can't answer your question, but will encourage you to keep living your VERY TOGETHER life with your family, and to continue to connect with other first moms & receive individual counseling since every adoption is different. Your experience of "open adoption", I know, is not living up to what many PERCEIVE open adoption to be, including yourself when you and the PAP's were so bonded and trusting of each other before your DD was born. This shows that daily contact before an adoption can be cut to zero physical contact (except for one annual visit in which the place & time is out of your control & out of the AP's control) once the baby is born & out of your hands. Papers signed. No recourse.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 10:52 AM on Jul. 5, 2010

  • Your situation of trusting an agency to be the "go-between" for pics AND visits (not even in the AP's control) shows that even today's (less than 3 years ago) "non-profit" & "ethical" agencies are still interested in the bottom dollar and not the first mom once the baby is born & transferred. It wasn't your fault. You are not to blame. You did nothing wrong.

    As far as those who are answering & have never placed, I pray that they never know what you are going thru, but I'm thankful that there are some heart-felt answers as well.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 11:07 AM on Jul. 5, 2010

  • I have been here before and Im sure I will be there again. Sometimes when it hurts to much to think about or even process in your mind the only conclusion that seems logical is to say Im just going to walk away and move on

    One thing I have learned if you are going to make that choice make sure you are making it at a time where you are fully there and thinking in your mind Dont make the decision on a sad or down day

    I have talked with several others who have felt this I think its just copping skill that isnt the best but it helps when those hard times arise

    The hardest part of adoption is the not knowing the not being there for all those special moments The waiting for updates pics and any little thing in to your childs life and if you are patiently waiting hoping wishing for that everyday I think its not the time for you to walk away just be patient there will be times of closeness and times when you feel further apart
    mommie83

    Answer by mommie83 at 11:57 AM on Jul. 5, 2010

  • (cont) Just give it some time Try reaching out to the AP Make sure before you make a decision as important as this you look at the whole picture You are reaching out for advice so thats a start if you want to talk you can send me a PM (Hugs)
    mommie83

    Answer by mommie83 at 12:02 PM on Jul. 5, 2010

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