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2 Bumps

Serious question about what to do, please help

The man who fathered my daughter (15 mos) is, in my opinion, a "deadbeat dad". There are some key reasons, all emotions aside, why I have NOT allowed him to see her since November 2009. First, he is an alcoholic which leads to lying and stealing (booze from stores and money from ME). Second, he has used IV drugs in the past year and since contracted Hep C from dirty needles (fact). Third, he's living in a homeless shelter at the moment. Where would she visit him? I'll admit, I'm not perfect either. Before I got preg, I drank/ did recreational drugs, partied, etc. The minute I saw that plus sign, I dropped it all. I became a mom. He claims I'm "evil" for keeping a child frm her father. He swears he will tell her when she's older how I "really am". He has been calling recently, I don't answer but get terrible voicemails. One of them he claimed he was "sober", another that I'm doing something illegal. Any advice, similar stories?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 4:36 AM on Jul. 6, 2010 in General Parenting

Answers (11)
  • You need to go to court and get custody/visitation settled. If things are as you say, the courts won't allow him visitation and everything will be settled. Or, he may get supervised visitation. Either way, at least you've done the right thing and have the backing of the legal system.

    Answer by missanc at 4:44 AM on Jul. 6, 2010

  • I agree go to court and get full custody. This kind of person is toxic to a childs growing brain and your relationship with her. AND to you...

    Until he gets his life together and knows how to be an adult and take care of himself, how in the world does he think hes going to be able to take care of a child?

    Answer by MomNbabyGirl009 at 4:47 AM on Jul. 6, 2010

  • Bump.
    PS. Don't ever let a druggie or alcoholic in your home again, then this won't happen.
    No offense, but this seems led on by you never calling the cops when he stole from you...

    Answer by smokisses at 4:50 AM on Jul. 6, 2010

  • Don't let him make you feel guilty. You are only protecting your baby. Tell him to go check himself in somewhere and get himself properly cleared up = if he is so adamant about seeing his daughter then he would do this and show he is a good father. A good father doesn't continue their drug issues and expect to see their daughter. Going to court maybe the best way because no court will let an alcoholic/drug user be around your daughter in that state.

    Answer by keyaziz at 4:51 AM on Jul. 6, 2010

  • I agree that you need to do everything you can to protect your dd. I would contact a lawyer (if you can't afford one, look up free family law help or free legal aide for your State - there's lots of free or slide fee help available - especially for family court stuff). Then, you will probably need to get a restraining order in place, or get some sort of court ordered visitation - which, given the circumstances, will almost certainly mean that he will have to take drug tests and have supervised visits. IF he's truly clean and got his act together, then great. If not, then he won't be able to be around her - and you will be able to legally stop him.

    Good luck!

    PS - as far as him telling her "what you're really like" - obviously, she's too young now, but if/when that happens, just say "Mommy made some mistakes, but I learned from them, and now I'm the Mommy you know."

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 5:02 AM on Jul. 6, 2010

  • Agree with everyone.

    Get legal custody and let the courts tell him no, instead of it being "evil you."

    Write your daughter letters now, telling her why you do the things you do. You don't have to say all the bad things her father does, just that you feel like you need to protect her but you love her and wish her father could be a stable loving parent for her. That way, if when she is older she hears badtalk from him about you, you can just give her the letters that will show exactly where your heart was at this time and exactly what your intentions were.

    Tell him if he has proof from a treatment center that he is sober, then you might work something out for visitation.

    Answer by Bellarose0212 at 5:15 AM on Jul. 6, 2010

  • call the cops and get a restraining order based on the voice mails you have. then go to family court and get custody. if he gets any visitation and he really is as bad as you say he is them he will most likely only get supervised visits. if you go through the courts he will have to prove to them that he is sober not just to you. who know it could be the thing that sobers him up finally and he can be a good father someday.

    Answer by ibebreezy at 8:34 AM on Jul. 6, 2010

  • um, without a custody order in place, you ARE doing something illegal. In fact, in the state of PA, if one parent tells the other parent that "they'll never see the baby again" they will lose custody.

    You need to go down, today, and file for custody. You are doing the right thing by protecting your baby, but you must do it legally. If you don't, you both can lose custody to ensure proper visitation. (My brothers and sister spent YEARS in foster care because of this.) The sad thing is, they tend to believe who ever complains.

    also, if he talks about being high anywhere online that you can print, do it.

    Answer by lovinangels at 8:35 AM on Jul. 6, 2010

  • I think you should document every contact you have with him, save all the nasty calls and turn it over to a good lawyer. If you don't have a court ordered custody in place it would be wise to get it, that way he can't claim you are 'keeping her from him' - the courts will be the one doing that. I would also let him know that the nasty voicemails are harrassment and you could turn them over to the police.....
    As for him saying "I'll tell her what you are really like"- I would say that is an empty threat, especially if you use your past as a learning lesson for your child and are open and honest that "everyone does things that they look back on and wish they didn't". HE is a fine one to talk though since HIS lifestyle is what it is. Good luck!

    Answer by MizLee at 9:16 AM on Jul. 6, 2010

  • You need to go to court & get sole legal & physical custody of your child.

    Answer by motherofhope98 at 9:30 AM on Jul. 6, 2010

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