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are we in trouble here?

im not really sure where things went wrong, but my marriage has been getting rockier for at least the past year. we keep getting in the same fights over and over, but it seems like now each time we get in the fight i leave with a worse taste in my mouth than the last. we end the fights with an 'i promise ill try harder' and then the situation happens again and its the same old fight. and the stupid thing is we fight most often about who gets to sleep in on the weekends! and its usually him. and its making me hate him cuz i feel like what he is doing is always more important than what im doing. to him at least. we cant afford marriage counseling. any advise? we have two kids and they can tell when we're fighting and i really want it to work, for them as much as for us. please help!

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Asked by Anonymous at 1:15 PM on Jul. 6, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • Why don't you sit down and discuss the issues before you have another fight about them? Schedule a sit down with him and each of you write down the issues you have. Leave enough room to add comments and suggestions on how to fix them and then put the list on the fridge. That way you each have a reminder of what you each agreed to work on. Then next time a fight starts, bring out the list and go back over it.

    Answer by Jademom07 at 1:19 PM on Jul. 6, 2010

  • One place to begin would be to have a conversation about the issue(s) BEFORE a big blowup. Step one here I believe is to find an appropriate time. I know that for me, having a serious convo at the end of a hectic day before I have an opportunity to unwind is very frustrating.

    Then, you have to have a fair discussion. Agree to stick to the topic at hand--it's not a battle, it's a discussion. A good way to begin a convo like this without putting someone on the defense is the "when you, I feel, because" AND have a remedy.

    Example: When you sleep in each day of the weekend, I feel frustrated because I could really use a break from the kids. Could we please alternate sleep in days and take turns getting up with the kids?


    Answer by BuddyRoo at 1:21 PM on Jul. 6, 2010

  • Why not alternate weekend sleep ins?

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:23 PM on Jul. 6, 2010

  • If he's not going to bend it may be something you have to accept. Wouldn't it be tragic if your family fell apart over you being jealous that DH sleeps in? I don't think he deserves to any more than you do, but the reality of motherhood is that we usually get the shit end of the stick. In a marriage "equal" doesn't mean "same". Splitting everything down the middle doesn't work because relationships aren't black and white.

    My suggestion is to find a reason to enjoy getting up early or develop a morning routine that you at least like.

    In my house, we both get up early, then everyone is in the same boat. I still do all of the morning kid stuff but at least he's there.

    Answer by UpSheRises at 1:26 PM on Jul. 6, 2010

  • Marriage is NEVER 50/50. How important is sleeping in? I get up at 6am regardless...I can sleep when I'm dead as my mother says. Perhaps this is a perfect "pick your battles" situation. Put in a bit more effort into making him happy and see where it gets you.

    Answer by Orionsgirl at 1:36 PM on Jul. 6, 2010

  • yeah its not that i mind getting up with the kds, hell i do it every other day of the week, its more that i dont feel that he respects the amount of work i do, and that he feels that he DESERVES more. and we have tried just talking instead of fighting, but it keeps on turning into him saying 'see, you make this sound sooo one sided'. and the thing is, i know there must be stuff im doing wrong. i know its hard for me to apologize, stuff like that, but if what im telling him is making him feel like a jerk, then its because what he is doing is making him come off like a jerk and jsut cuz im not doing the same things wrong as him he says im making it sound like its all his fault. and i know im probably looking at this biased but ide say its at least 60/40 lol

    Answer by disheveled at 1:36 PM on Jul. 6, 2010

  • you are both stuck in bad patterns of communicating and behaving. there are places that do counseling on a sliding scale. try unite way for some direction. it sounds like you both have good intentions but need some skills to learn how to break the bad habits and solve problems. if you really can't find a counseling alternative, maybe try some workbook type stuff from the library. it sounds like even though it is not successful you both at least try to communicate, so it can work. the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results: try something new... whatever it is that you've agree to do with each other is not working and apparently will not work. try a completely new approach.

    Answer by figaro8895 at 1:37 PM on Jul. 6, 2010

  • dish - i take it you're the OP. sounds like you are using this one area as a scapegoat to not deal with the problem of you both feeling underappreciated... if you take a step back and face the REAL issue, you might get somewhere.

    Answer by figaro8895 at 1:39 PM on Jul. 6, 2010

  • ive been thinking about keeping a calander to track things that happen that are irritating to me so i dont have to try and remember/make him remember what actually happened. do you think that would be like too.....sneaky/snotty? he never beleives me when i tell him what he did wrong buyt im scared that he will feel slighted if i keep a calander lol

    Answer by disheveled at 1:40 PM on Jul. 6, 2010

  • I think the fact that you feel taken for granted is the root of your problems. You need to communicate this to him, making valid points along the way. Chose a time when he is not tired or mad or irritated. Maybe a resturant to force him to be civil, but talk to him or it will only get worse.

    Answer by salexander at 4:14 PM on Jul. 6, 2010

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