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BIG question about husband that cheated...

He cheated for 3 years.
I found out 3 years ago.
We have 2 young daughters together and a very happy life right now. When I found out, we did counseling and he's proven that he made a mistake and he's not going to do it again.

That said.. We fight once every 3 or 4 months about it. I don't bring it up in between and I don't rub his nose in it. He's allowed to go out with friends etc. BUT every few months I'll have a nightmare about or a hard day where I get reminded of it and I need his comfort and reassurance. This last fight a few days ago he said, "That's it. It's been 3 years and you are no longer allowed to bring it up. I'm tired of hearing about and being reminded that I screwed up."

Who's right here?? I think he needs to be supportive, it's not like every 4 months I'm calling screaming at him about what he did! I just need some reassurance every once in awhile!
Should I have to hide my feelings??

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 3:45 PM on Jul. 7, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (14)
  • Why should he have to keep defending himself over the past. I think that He is in the right here. You have a bad day/ need to realize it's just that and move on unless you still suspect him of it.

    Answer by Jademom07 at 3:47 PM on Jul. 7, 2010

  • Nope. You shouldn't have to hide your feelings. What he did was wrong, he knew it was wrong and he kept it up for 3 years. That's ridiculous.
    His affair doesn't just go away because time has passed. You are still dealing with the feelings HE cause by HIS betrayal and HIS choices.
    If he can't deal with the consequences then he shouldn't do the actions.

    Answer by Laila-May at 3:47 PM on Jul. 7, 2010

  • No, you shouldnt have to hide your feelings, but he also needs to be understanding of the fact that you have stood by him even tho he did screw up...and its hard for you when you have reminders. How does someone cheat for 3 years and expect their wife not to bring it up, or to not need reassurance. My daughters father cheated on me, and I had to leave. There was no way we were ever going to come to an agreement about it. So I left. I still can't be in a relationship because of what that did to me. And I'd rather be single forever, than go through that again. I am so sorry you are going through this.

    Answer by Spazz0828 at 3:48 PM on Jul. 7, 2010

  • Maybe you should go back to talk to someone about it sit him down and say you are still having nightmares maybe you just need to talk to someone and work out what is still there. Just because you worked it out as a couple does not mean you have worked it out for yourself. GL Momma

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 3:50 PM on Jul. 7, 2010

  • Ok, I'm gonna be the odd-ball here. IMO if you've forgiven him for it, it should never be brought up again. That's part of forgiveness. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but I see his point. It's not fair to him. Maybe ya'll should go to counseling again. No sense in opening new wounds.

    Answer by renea20 at 3:50 PM on Jul. 7, 2010

  • You shouldn't have to hide those feelings, heck they are there because of his screw up. This is one of the main reason why that trust is so hard to achieve again, you might forgive but it is so very hard to forget.
    If you were willing to forgive him you got to make an effort not to bring it up because if this keeps happening you will end up in breakupville because of it. You need to let it go once and for all before it damages what you now have.

    Answer by older at 3:51 PM on Jul. 7, 2010

  • I am with him on this. You decided to stay with him, after finding out he had an affair. You have know right bringing it up anymore. If you trust him. Leave it alone.  It does not sound like you have let it go.


    Answer by louise2 at 3:53 PM on Jul. 7, 2010

  • I agree with Laila-May. My husband didn't quite perform the act of "cheating" but the intentions where there and it was a few times, this was 3 years ago. I don't throw it in his face but once in a while it will come up and we fight about it, because I do get insecure for whatever reason, even though I know he will never jeopardize our marriage or family like that again. You're going to get alot of opinions here about who is right and who is wrong, my husband gets upset but all said and done, he put us in that position, trust was broken and it takes alot for me personally to even trust someone, to me coming from my husband is the ultimate betrayal. He understands how I feel, he knows he messed up and tells me "he will spend the rest of his life making it up to me" and he's ok with that. Try to explain to your husband that it's not about him doing something now it's about you continuing to deal with what took place. GL!


    Answer by LuvmyFam6 at 3:54 PM on Jul. 7, 2010

  • I agree with Louise2, let it go. The wound can't heal if you keep picking the scab

    Answer by admckenzie at 4:31 PM on Jul. 7, 2010

  • no, but maybe you should see a counselor about it.
    doesn't sound like it was 'a slip' if it went on for 3 years. that's a affair and I imagine a lot of dishonesty in the process.


    Answer by ItsMe89 at 4:52 PM on Jul. 7, 2010

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