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3 Bumps

I just found out dd's been writing down when she thinks her dad should come...

and then getting mad at ME when her schedule doesn't work. He doesn't call a third of the time he's supposed to get her. If he "switches weekends" with me HE NEVER gets her, and about a third of the time he actually shows up.

she has a day planner- it was laid out on the table- and I saw she had a WHOLE WEEK planned out to stay at his house. He hasn't asked about this at all... and she's mad
at me because I said that week was bad.


How can I keep her from getting angry at me when he screws up?

 
lovinangels

Asked by lovinangels at 9:51 AM on Jul. 8, 2010 in General Parenting

Level 39 (112,638 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • Oh dear. This makes me want to cry, poor child. She likely isn't mad at you, but is taking out her upset on you. She knows that you'll love her no matter what. Tell her calmly that she is not to speak to you in this disrespectful manner, that you show her respect, and she needs to do the same to you. Tell her that you understand that she is frustrated and hurt. and that you would be glad to hug her and help her through the disappointment. Never say anything against her father.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 9:55 AM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • Maybe you should copy her daytimer & send it to her father so he can realize how badly he is letting her down.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 9:53 AM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • I'm sorry :-( Unfortunately, I think there isn't going to be a whole lot you can do. If she's old enough to be writing this all down in a day planner, then she knows, on some level, that he's the one dropping the ball. But, because you're the one there, and that she can count on, it's "safer" to get mad at you. After all, YOU aren't going to refuse to see her if she gets mad and yells, right? But Dad, on the other hand.... he already comes around so little, that if she gets mad at him, he might not come at all.... (at least to her mind...)

    I would just try to hug her and tell her that you love her, and you know she misses her dad, and you're sorry that she doesn't get to see him as much as she would like. Then, suggest that all 3 of you talk about your visitation and come up with the dates, together. That way, there's no way he can play it off like you're the bad guy here.

    HUGS to you both, and good luck!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 9:56 AM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • You really can't. Since he isn't really around, you will get the brunt of her anger until she is older and more mature enough to realize how it really is.
    BradenIsMySon

    Answer by BradenIsMySon at 9:52 AM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • I deal with the same issue with my 10 year old son. Honestly, there is nothing you can do other than just talk to her. With my son, I am completely honest when his Dad calls out of a visit, I also try to do something fun with him, because I know he is hurt. Does not have to be anything big, just make cookies with him or take him to the park. I remind him that it is not his fault, that the decision was his Dad's not his, and that it is no reflection on him. I stress to my son, that each person is responsible for their own decisions, and that regardless of his Dad's decision it is no reflection on him, or his worth.
    But, on a good side (if there is one), she takes it out on you because she feels safe with you. She knows you will be there regardless, she lacks that stability with her dad. Give her a hug, tell her you love her, and be glad that she is getting those feelings out somewhere!
    mommy11260

    Answer by mommy11260 at 9:57 AM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • I agree with Samurai chica, do a copy and share it with him. Tell her that you have let him know every detail and let him know that he lets her down and he needs to be reliable.
    KTMOM

    Answer by KTMOM at 9:57 AM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • I would tell her that I was sorry she was disappointed again. I would tell her that I did a really poor job when I chose him to be her daddy, and I would ask her to forgive me. I would tell her that my hope was that she would learn from her mom's mistakes and when she got ready to select a mate for life, that she would be more careful and do a better job than her mom did. That will defuse her anger toward you. On some level, her heart does blame both you and her dad. He is not around, so you feel the brunt of it. It is really pretty natural when you realize that a child thinks with her heart and not with her head. In truth, adults do the same thing, but we are better able to handle it. All she knows is that her world is upside down and she can't fix it. You can help her by telling her this is not her fault and accepting blame for it yourself. That will make you her hero and it will relieve her of some of her mess.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:58 AM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • You are the closes she has got to a soundboard, all you can do is explain over and over how it is not your fault.
    older

    Answer by older at 10:02 AM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • Tell her that is why you are not together any more. He is a screw up and he has problems that we can not fix.

    Just tell the truth and tell her you are sorry that she is hurt. And her dad does love her. Just sit down and have a long talk.

    We had this happen in our family last year. The mom would not tell her boys the truth about their dad, he did drugs and was abusive and he cheated on her. The boys where very angry for about 6-months. I spilled the beans and told the boys their dad had cheated on their mom and things started to change and now they are happy with their mom. Good luck
    gammie

    Answer by gammie at 10:08 AM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • You need to tell her to vent her anger at the right person. If she is old enough to have a day planner, she is old enough to be told her dad is at fault. Tell her to ask HIM where he has been? Tell her you want her to see her daddy, but HE is the one who needs to be there..you don't control him.
    salexander

    Answer by salexander at 10:50 AM on Jul. 8, 2010

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