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8 Bumps

How can I get through this...heartbroken and can't stop crying.

My husband told me two weeks ago that he thinks he is gay. We have been married for 11 years, with two young children. We have agree to stay together for awhile (2-3 years) until I'm financially able to make it on my own and we are also moving within the next year to be close to my family (which was planned before he told me this).

This came out of nowhere and though I now believe it's true Im having a very hard time accepting it. I just turned 36 years old and by the time Im on my own, I will be close to 40. How am I suppose to start a new life at 40 and how am I suppose to come to terms with all of this? I start crying every time I think about it, every time I think about the past 11 years being a lie...I cant ever get those years back!!

We had sex last night..I asked him how he could have sex with me if he was gay and his reply was that Im still his wife and that he still wants to have sex with me. Does that make sense?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 11:10 AM on Jul. 8, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (19)
  • I would take that to mean that he is bi-sexual. Gay men don't have sex with women even if they are married to them.

    Answer by Jademom07 at 11:13 AM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • That's very tough. I'm sorry for what you are going through.
    I have no experience in this area, but I'm confused (as you probably are) on how he can still have sex with a woman (even though your his wife). Is he bisexual or really gay?
    Have you both tried counseling? Together and separate?

    If there is no hope for the marriage, as hard as this may be (and it's easier for me to say it then do it), I think you need to get out on your own sooner rather than later.

    Good luck with whatever happens.


    Answer by ARmom at 11:17 AM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • So Sorry.

    Answer by Savymom25 at 11:20 AM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • Oh wow. I'd get busy doing whatever yo uneed to do to get on with your life. I can't imagine having sex with someone wondering if they were thinking about a man. Unless you plan on just getting over it and dealing with it, I would not be waiting 4 yrs to end it all. You are right that you will be 40 when things wrap up the way you have it planned. Thats 4 yrs of your life that you have to wonder, worry and live with this situation. If you want to stay and get over it I suggest you get counseling and if you don't I'd look into getting help from the family in moving closer now so you can have the support while you look for a job or go to school.

    Answer by itsmesteph11 at 11:20 AM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • Well, I wouldn't think of the last 11 years as being a lie. He wouldn't have gotten married and had kids with you if he didn't love you at one point. Is he saying that he now wants to pursue men? Many woman fall in love after 40. Don't feel like your life is over, ifyouve fallen in love once, it's likely to happen again.

    Answer by Flippindadaisie at 11:23 AM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • It sounds to me like he is bisexual. It also sounds like he still loves you. Maybe you two should sit down and talk...and listen to each other. It might also be a good time to start doing for you. Start taking care of yourself-hair, makeup, nails, get a massage every now and then. Nothing like pampering yourself to make you feel good about yourself. This decision he has made about himself is not your fault...don't blame yourself. Regardless of what has happened and what will happen, you are strong and can go forward! Make it your mantra and remember those two children need you. Hang in there!!

    Answer by wahea at 11:23 AM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • Well for one, if my DH told me he was gay and made a plan for us to seperate, he certainly wouldn't be having sex with me. For two, it will NOT take you 2-3 years to get on your feet. I'd say 1 year would be fair and reasonable. I'm very sorry that your having to go through this, I can't even imagine how hard it must be. I wouldn't worry too much about the fact that he is gay, think of it as a normal divorce seperation (which isn't easy either). You cannot focus on how/why he is gay, it will drive you crazy. Focus on your children and you.. GL!

    Answer by allfiller at 11:43 AM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • He sounds bi and not gay but that's not the issue. My dad told my mom he was gay. Actually she caught him with a guy and she figured it out! The point is she did divorce him but they both went on to find happiness and they both made sure I was a happy child. That's what is important. You will be fine once you get over this initial shock. The death of any relationship requires time for grief but limit that time so you can find Mr Right. Forty is a great age. I didn't start dating again until I was 50 and found out it's easier than I thought. I found a great guy and you can too. It will be find. Find the positive and strive for that. Don't dwell on the negative.

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:46 AM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • you are not alone
    if i am not in the same boat
    i am in the boat right next to you
    just found out stuff this am

    i am beside myself
    i have no answers
    i am seeking answers too

    just can tell you that you are not the only one

    Answer by fiatpax at 11:57 AM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • You CAN get through this. Talk, cry, be with those who love you. Stay strong and be good to yourself. He is in a lot of pain too, I would think.

    Answer by elizabr at 1:13 PM on Jul. 8, 2010

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