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I really need some suggestions...

My SO and have been fighting, a lot. We love eachother but we can't manage to find a way to comprimise fair or fight fair.

We cannot afford counseling and don't have any friends/family that we are able to have help mediate us. I have looked into free counseling at churches, etc, but every one i've found is booked for weeks or months. I feel like we are at our end and we need to do something now - Any suggestions?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 1:00 PM on Jul. 8, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • Get a couple of books on it. Dr Phil's book is supposed to be good. Sit down and put things on paper....what's important to each of you. Compromise, compromise. Good luck

    Answer by elizabr at 1:02 PM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • I think there are books on how to right fairly, have you considered reading one together?

    Answer by ItsMe89 at 1:02 PM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • Have y'all tried taking a break from each other? What is causing y'all to fight?

    Answer by itsallabtthem84 at 1:03 PM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • Why can't you stop fighting?

    I am not being snarky, but how about just not fighting with him? You can't control his reaction but you can control yours. I know it's not that simple but i think getting along with your SO is like losing weight...

    People can give you tips and you can try a bunch of fad diets but mostly, you just need to eat healthy and excersize, KWIM?

    Answer by UpSheRises at 1:08 PM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • another option is too look up couples "therapy" type things online for free. its similar to books like PP suggested, but again its free. The most important thing tho is to fight fair. I am sorry but as a verbally abused woman there is no excuse for not trying, and suceeding. THINK bfore you speak, think about how what you are about to say will effect your partner. Count to ten, so that way no more"it just flew out of my mouth". If you really love each other, you will do whatever it takes(including waiting months for a church therapy) to make it work. good luck mama, hang in there.

    Answer by Bearsjen at 1:14 PM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • Try the love dare. It's a book, it's really great, and is sure to help you guys. Even if he won't participate with you, you can do it on your own and still change things for your marriage. Check out the movie Fireproof it's the the movie that the love dare book came from. Pretty awesome. There are a ton of places that give cheap or free or based on your income counseling, keep looking. Catholic family services, most of those types of places do it, and you don't have to be a certain religion or anything it's just a family service. Good luck.

    Answer by AshleyBDG at 1:23 PM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • I know most people may not agree with this, but if all you do is fight, then maybe you need to take a time out from each other. When my DH and I are in fight mode, we will sleep in separate rooms. There is a such a thing as too much togetherness and we just need a break. Every night we tell each other that we love the other and every morning, before anyone leaves, we will have a few minutes together and make sure we say "I love you". The time apart helps get our emotions and feelings together. Once you are able to do that, then you may be able to talk to each other without being angry and fighting. Above all, be patient. If he is yelling or upset, then leave. You can take a walk or hang outside for a little bit. The same if you are feeling angry. Good luck, and I hope you can work things out.

    Answer by krissyvelazquez at 1:39 PM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • I agree with AshleyBDG try the love dare book its really helped me with my marrige and while my hubby refuses to read it it still helped me a lot and I go back to it every now and then.And about he fighting if things aregetting to heated tell him you need a break and will talk to him when both of you are calmed down and walk away and go do something slse for a while then come back to the problem once everybodys had time to cool off a little.

    Answer by countrygirl06 at 2:22 PM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • Schedule counseling a few weeks/months out if you have to. Other than that the best thing you can do is focus on your behavior. You can only change you. Figure out what you are fighting about and decide what is not worth fighting about. When the subject comes up and you feel a fight coming on, stop. Listen to him. Put yourself aside and try to see his view. Just agree with him. I don't mean doing what he wants but say "I can see your point" "I can see how you might feel that way" Let go of being "right" and hold on to the love you have for him. As you change your behavior, he'll have no choice but to follow suit as he can't argue with himself. Be patient and give him time to get the idea. Focus on meeting his need and being sure to tell him what your needs are without being attacking just as a matter of fact. I wish you the best! Most all of us go through this! It can work itself out!

    Answer by bjane01 at 2:57 PM on Jul. 8, 2010

  • Well Anonyous, we all go through something similar, or at least somewhere near that! What you really have to ask yourself is, why are we fighting?, over what?, can I diffuse the situation by just listening and not saying a word? Would he allow me to answer back? I've been married for 16 yrs and sometimes we still have to take a deep breath ,walk away, and think of the reason why we are upset. Stress is always a major factor. I really don't know what your situation is,but praying ,wether it is by yourself,or with him can also help. Like all the ladies here stated ,read,research, try to find a solution. I suggest watching the movie "Fire Proof". It helped us realise that we argued over pathetic things,and helped us focus on what needs our attention! Good Luck ,and may your problems be resolved,so that you both can live in a peaceful,loving marriage!

    Answer by mamasitade3 at 12:34 PM on Jul. 13, 2010

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