Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

4 Bumps

I really need some advice from someone with a lasting relationship -

I love my SO dearly and I know he loves me too. Some days I can't picture my life without him and some days I wonder why we're together. We just don't see eye to eye on much... some stupid things, but some are important things. Deep down I know we can both find people who we are more compatable with, and its killing me to think that I should let him go. Like I said, I love him dearly. Our relationship has been rocky for awhile now and we're going to sit down this week and try to talk through it.... My question is - Is it fair or right for me to hang onto him simply because I love him and we have good days 60% of the time, or is it better to let him go knowing he can/will find someone who can make him happier? If it's better to let him go, how do i do that? We don't have children together but my DD loves him dearly.

Answer Question
 
allfiller

Asked by allfiller at 10:48 AM on Jul. 12, 2010 in Relationships

Level 12 (802 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • WORK ON IT! Its always worth working on it when a child is involved! And you say you love him, so work on it :)

    My dh and I have been married mostly happily for 10 years...lol. There are days or even weeks when we feel "disconnected" from each other, but it usually resolves itself. I dont know of ANY marriage that is good 100% of the time, if they say that, then they are lying!

    Just b/c you dont agree on every issue doenst kill the love. You might find someone who you are super compatible with who is an alcoholic looser...know what I mean.

    Love is more than agreeing all the time :) Good luck :)
    mom2twobabes

    Answer by mom2twobabes at 10:51 AM on Jul. 12, 2010

  • I think you really need to sit down and write two lists--one with the positives of your relationship (no matter how big or small), and one with the negatives of your relationship--again, no matter how big or small....and be brutally honest!!!

    Then look over your lists. It SHOULD be obvious to you what it is that you can and cannot "live with." Then I would rate those "pros and cons" in order of absolute importance. You'll have your answer.

    LoriKeet

    Answer by LoriKeet at 10:53 AM on Jul. 12, 2010

  • If you have the basis for a good marriage which is love, you got half the battle won, in marriage we all need to compromise. I have been married 38 years to a very difficult man, I have learned to pick my battles, and to live with the things that I can't stand, but this does not make me unhappy. It has created in me a characteristic in me I never knew I had, one of compromise, no one will ever have a partner that they are in accord with everything about them because none of us are perfect, we all have flaws, love usually muffles those flaws, and this is where that unconditional love kicks in.
    Why let go of a loving relationship? communication can solve almost every marriage problem, and compromise solves it all!
    older

    Answer by older at 10:54 AM on Jul. 12, 2010

  • If there is an inkling of doubt- he probably isn't the one. My hubby and I went through a lot- of HARD stuff but, we always knew we were for each other.
    MDT09

    Answer by MDT09 at 10:54 AM on Jul. 12, 2010

  • It is not a given that someone else will make either of you happier. There are good times and bad in each relstionship. Talking about it is a good first step. And get counseling if you need to . There are resources at your local hospital or doctor to help with this. If you both want it to work out then you both deserve to give it your best try first . Then you both know you did all you could. In my marriage we have found that we compromise compromise, pick our battles carefully, realize how good the other person is and we will not agree on everything. Best wishes to all of you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:55 AM on Jul. 12, 2010

  • Every one is capable of finding someone that will make us happier...but for how long. If you have had a long marriage and you are still happy 60% of the time than I would say you are doing pretty good. The grass will always look greener on someone else's lawn but it still has to be mowed and weeded just like your own. It will take work to make a new relationship great so why not try to work on the one you have history with. Good luck and I hope for the best.
    Savymom25

    Answer by Savymom25 at 11:04 AM on Jul. 12, 2010

  • Not sure how long you have been together, but if you feel like there are things that can be worked through with counseling and time, then try. I have been married for 11 years and there have been days where I have felt like it was too much work and like we would never make it, but we are committed and we keep going. We talk, we try to show each other respect, and we do our best.
    KTMOM

    Answer by KTMOM at 11:07 AM on Jul. 12, 2010

  • I think you both have to really decide if what you don't see eye to eye on is big or small enough to keep going or not. You're not going to see eye to eye on everything with your significant other. DH and I went through a long rough period, but we stuck it out and grew and now we're happy. We know that had we not had children, we mostly likely wouldn't have stayed together. We went through counseling, fighting, and lots of thinking. DH changed a lot (his choice, never gave him an ultimatum) and in turn made me want to be a better wife. He has things about him I don't like, but what I do love far outweighs the bad. It took a long time to get there and we both had to make changes. If he were a thief, into drugs, gambling etc, those would've been deal breakers, but we were fighting about being "right" about different things. We learned its not always about that, its about happiness.
    Mom_2_cuties

    Answer by Mom_2_cuties at 11:18 AM on Jul. 12, 2010

  • If you're having good days 60% of the time then I definitely think there is something beautiful worth saving here.  I just think you need to learn to work together.


    When my dh and I need to discuss an important issue, we bring it up when we are both calm and not likely to be distracted (at this time of year, we go for a walk).  Then one us will say :"what are your thoughts about this, how should we handle this?"  We may not agree with everything the other said but we might agree on some points.  We then hash it out until we have a plan that we are both happy with.  It has worked for us for 22 years.

    beeky

    Answer by beeky at 11:28 AM on Jul. 12, 2010

  • I think you need to sit down with him and talk it out. Do you BOTH want to keep the relationship? If so then both of you talk about what the 'problems' are, and what you can both do to work thru them and make the relationship a good one. I don't know if this would be something that you would be interested in but couples counseling might be something to think about and consider.


    My hubs and I have been married 19 years and I have found that Communication is essential, as well as being able to listen to the other person, and being able to make compromises. A relationship is a two-way street and involves some giving and some taking by both people.


    I wish you luck and hope it all works out!

    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 11:35 AM on Jul. 12, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.