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Talking about bio dad

....or as I like to refer to him as the sperm donor. My DH isnt my sons biological dad. At this point DS sperm donor hasnt even tried contacting me since Jan of last year. DS is only 1 1/2 (well about 20 months to be exact). And all he knows is DH. But lately I've been really stressing the talk we're going to have. I refuse to wait until DS is a teen or even pre teen to talk about this. But have absolutely NO IDEA how to begin. I have a 4yr old SS who knows his mom, so I guess I could use that. But I would love some input on when and how to start.

 
AmandaN1

Asked by AmandaN1 at 9:42 PM on Jul. 12, 2010 in General Parenting

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Answers (7)
  • I agree with right away. It is best if he grows up always knowing, not remembering being told at some point. Find a way to work it in casually now, and every once in a while. It is much worse for there to be a "secret". Stop referring to him as the sperm donor (I know, you probably just say that in your head and to your friends, but still it is best if you don't) as that will be hurtful to your ds. Be honest but respectful about questions he asks about him as he gets older. You don't have to lie and say he is some great guy, but don't bash him either.
    maggiemom2000

    Answer by maggiemom2000 at 10:11 PM on Jul. 12, 2010

  • I would start right away- the sooner you begin talking about it the less awkward it will be. Would it help to have your husband there as well? Do you have a picture you could show? I think the fact that you have a step son who has a different mom is an easy way to open up the conversation. Just state the facts, not necessarily your feelings about it- good luck!!!

    skittles1108

    Answer by skittles1108 at 9:51 PM on Jul. 12, 2010

  • i don't think he's old enough to understand. you definately need to tell him, but at the same time, it doesn't have to be now. and obviously he's not really a "dad" your dh has stepped up to the plate and taken the role as dad. you need to focus more on that. i know that my stepdad isn't my biodad but, he's more of a dad. my biodad, who my mom also refers to as the sperm donor has been in state prison since i was 7,or close to it. i have no need to remember exacts, something nearing 20 years or so. i know of him, but i really don't concider him dad. my stepdad has filled his place and your ds, i'm sure, will feel the same way about your dh, when he's old enough.
    nickellmomof2

    Answer by nickellmomof2 at 10:17 PM on Jul. 12, 2010

  • I would say begin as early as possible bc I have a sperm donor and a dad and they are not the same thing but I have always known that my daddy wasnt my sperm donor and I think that it saved me from some really hard things that would came up if I hadnt known til I was older
    LiLJeni

    Answer by LiLJeni at 10:18 PM on Jul. 12, 2010

  • btw...i think the word sperm donor is hilarious and does not in anyway hurt my feelings...it's the truth!
    nickellmomof2

    Answer by nickellmomof2 at 10:19 PM on Jul. 12, 2010

  • 20 months is WAY too young to get it! tell him asap when he can understand, but make sure he knows the differance between "dad" and daddy.
    nickellmomof2

    Answer by nickellmomof2 at 10:21 PM on Jul. 12, 2010

  • op here - Thanks gals! Yes I think right this second it may just be funny or just plain out confusing it I tell him. But I know it'll have to be soon enough. Since I rarely talk about the bio dad he never hears the sperm donor thing. He can make that call when he gets older what he decides to call him. IDK why its just really been on my mind, and I figured if I started getting a plan together in my mind, it wont be so difficult when the time comes. How do I tell him, ya he held you the day after you were born then never cam back? Blah.....plus this was a way for me to get my hesitations out before I have to go through with it hehe. Thanks again!
    AmandaN1

    Comment by AmandaN1 (original poster) at 8:55 AM on Jul. 13, 2010

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