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Was I wrong?

So, long story short some old friends are having a party because one of them is moving out of state. Me and DH were invited and when I brought it up to him he made it clear he didn't want to go. I figured as much and didn't make a big deal. Well, now an old friend from the same group is coming to visit this weekend and asked if I was going to said party. I said no, we had plans during the day and DH didn't really want to go. So, DH reads this (over my shoulder, no less!) and flips out that I'm "throwing him under the bus" and "making him look bad to my friends". He said I should lie and say it was a mutual desire not to go to put forth a unified front. I think he's making a big deal of nothing (the friend I was talking to is a very close friend, also married, she knows what it's like).

Anyway... was I out of line?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:18 PM on Jul. 13, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • no,.. he needs to chill out. I do this all the time with myhubby and I know he does that with me too. Its not like you said. " my hubby doesnt like the people so thats why were not going". He will get over it. He sjust being silly, just explain to him you werent doing that on purpose and leave it at that.
    kelsbecca619

    Answer by kelsbecca619 at 12:21 PM on Jul. 13, 2010

  • I don't think you were out of line, but at the same time, i understand where your DH is coming from. He just does not want anyone to think that he doesn't want to go (which is the truth), he would rather them think that he could not make it. He doesn't want to hurt anyones feelings if they know that he just didn't feel like going. And if one person knows he didn't feel like it, then there is always a chance they could tell someone. If i did not want to go to a party, i would expect DH to cover for me & just say something like "we already have plans" and i feel like my DH would cover for me in that situation, so if he did not...i would be worried that someone would find out that i am the jerk who didn't feel like going to the goodbye party.

    I don't think you were "wrong" but, i think your DH has a right to feel the way he does. He does not want to look like a jerk for not wanting to go & didn't want anyone knowing.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 12:24 PM on Jul. 13, 2010

  • I don't believe in lying to your friends to cover for your spouse's unwillingness to attend a party. These lies tend to sneak up and bite you on the ass! Why didn't you just go alone?
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 12:25 PM on Jul. 13, 2010

  • Maybe not out of line but I can see where you're husband is coming from, he doesn't want to be "that husband" that spoils the fun. I would of just said we had prior committments or plans and leave him out of it. People talk and I am sure someone will ask about you and the word will get out about your DH being the one not wanting to go.
    LuvmyFam6

    Answer by LuvmyFam6 at 12:25 PM on Jul. 13, 2010

  • Honestly, I don't think you did anything wrong. He was the one that did not want to go, so he should not throw a fit because you said that is why you were not going. I don't lie to my friends or family for my husband, and would not expect him to do it for me.
    mommy11260

    Answer by mommy11260 at 12:27 PM on Jul. 13, 2010

  • i don't think it's right that he asked you to lie about it and also don't think you were right in saying that DH doesn't really want to go. i mean why did that even have to come up? you could have just said no, we have plans and left it at that. nobody really needed to know it was cause your DH didn't want to IMO

    so i think you were both in the wrong for different reasons
    pmg1030

    Answer by pmg1030 at 12:46 PM on Jul. 13, 2010

  • I'm not sure why people always seem to feel like they have to have a good excuse. No is sufficient. It's an answer. "You going to so and so's party?" No. Not "No and here's my list of really good reasons why because I don't want to look like a jerk." No means no.

    I don't think it was wrong to be HONEST in that DH didn't want to go--but you apparently didn't want to go either or you would've gone without him. So in fact, you did kind of throw him under the bus.
    BuddyRoo

    Answer by BuddyRoo at 1:11 PM on Jul. 13, 2010

  • OP here!

    The reason I needed to explain further is because this friend is only in town for 1.5 days and I haven't seen her in 3 years. Just "no" really isn't good enough and she'd push the issue anyway until she found out why not.

    And I *would* go without him if it didn't mean a huge guilt trip and complaining from DH about how long I would be gone, then a cross examination when I got back about who was there and if I got hit on etc, etc... See, he doesn't want to go out, but he doesn't want me to go out without him. It's a catch22 for me and I'm tired of making up excuses to prevent him from looking bad... his actions and attitude are what make him look bad, not me.

    Oh, and we never see these people and he doesn't even like them, so I don't see why he would care what they think anyway.
    LeanneC

    Answer by LeanneC at 2:18 PM on Jul. 13, 2010

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