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Need Advice PLEASE HELP

My grandmother was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer this past March. Today she got the results of her last scan and it showed that even with chemo, it has spread to her lymph-nodes. Her oncologist recommended hospice since she does not wish to continue chemo. My mother is a nurse so she will be staying with her through this and she is turning to me for support. The thing is...I have no idea what to say or how to act. Her mother is dying and she will be there to see every wince of pain and look of fear. I am used to being the rock and holding people together, but I an at a loss here. PLEASE help me get her through this. I know to just be there and be supportive, but what do I say? How do I cope with helping her cope at the same time making sense of it myself? I am so lost

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HuskerMommy08

Asked by HuskerMommy08 at 10:06 PM on Jul. 13, 2010 in Relationships

Level 17 (4,088 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • Just hold her hand and be there sometimes a hand and a shoulder are all that are needed. GL Momma
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 10:08 PM on Jul. 13, 2010

  • Sometimes there is nothing you can say. If your mom needs to talk just be there for her and let her talk. Sometimes people just need to vent..Just make sure you are always available..
    nsrush83

    Answer by nsrush83 at 10:09 PM on Jul. 13, 2010

  • first of all ((hugs)) I was with my Mom when my MawMaw (her Mom) was dieing...it is a rough rough rough time. I'm sorry that I can't give you any advise...I was at a loss at the time also. I was just there and listened as much as I could. Just being there- or talking on the phone if you can't be there in person will help her. I still miss my MawMaw so much and she has been gone for two years now. Keep talking to your Grandmother- tell your Mom to talk to her...I think they can still hear even if they can't respond- it is a comfort for them.
    CoolMommyofboys

    Answer by CoolMommyofboys at 10:11 PM on Jul. 13, 2010

  • So sorry you all are going through this! It's a hard thing. As far as helping your mom....just be there. Ask her what you can do for her and let her tell you what she needs. Do things for her that you know she needs without her asking, like pick up a few groceries, laundry, walk the dog, whatever. Let her lead the conversation as far as your grandmother goes. She may or may not want to talk about it, so just ask a general "How's everything going?" or "How can I help?" and let her lead the conversation.
    slw123

    Answer by slw123 at 10:11 PM on Jul. 13, 2010

  • Gosh. I am sorry. This will be rough. From what I have been told, long faces and tears are not appreciated. Pleasant news and stories, reading to the sick one, music that they like, telling of what went on in your day, just sitting quietly sometimes. Take turns with your mom so she can have some time off. Offer to take her for meals or fix her meals. They don't need to be entertained all the time. Sometimes it helps to ask them what they want. Sometimes they want to be alone, or to have you sit there silently. They may want to talk of their final arrangements. Encourage them both to talk of their lives, their childhood, their children, their dreams and thoughts. and copy it down or record this information.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 10:12 PM on Jul. 13, 2010

  • As you said just being there will help your mom get through this. The words will just fall into place for you, and its ok not to be the rock all the time. Good Luck and God Bless.
    suzzeee

    Answer by suzzeee at 10:12 PM on Jul. 13, 2010

  • You know, I'm terrified, absolutely terrified...of losing my mom. However, I know that when that time comes, the ONE person who may help ease the pain will be my own child. You can help her. Just be there. She'll let you know what she needs. Be supportive, be understanding, help her with tasks. You don't necessarily have to SAY anything. I wish i had more advice, and I'm so sorry that your family is going through this. I wish you all the best.
    LovingSAHMommy

    Answer by LovingSAHMommy at 10:12 PM on Jul. 13, 2010

  • Your mom has decided to take on the hospice part, and what an amazing mom you have here. I have a feeling you are just like your mom, just dont realize how much strength you have yet. Be there for your mom. Let her know that whatever she needs you will be there. Maybe its a cup of coffee every am, maybe its a sandwich you can make during the afternoon for her. Maybe it will be at night when mom is so exhausted and needs dinner. Just be there for your mom who has taken this undescribible task over to love and care for her mother. This is indeed a growth expierence for you..:)
    beyondhopes

    Answer by beyondhopes at 10:12 PM on Jul. 13, 2010

  • Pray for her. And just be there. Sorry for what you're going through
    Momincollege23

    Answer by Momincollege23 at 10:18 PM on Jul. 13, 2010

  • Be a shoulder for her to lean on and cry on. If there's anything you think she needs help with, do it. My husband's grandfather passed away this past year after being sick for many years. His grandmother just needed to know someone was there for her when she needed them. I'm sorry and praying for you, your mother and grandmother.
    montanagal2005

    Answer by montanagal2005 at 10:58 PM on Jul. 13, 2010

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