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Would your feelings be hurt? Or am I just being selfish?

I am not sure this is the best location for htis, but it is about our adoption sort of. So here goes. My best girlfriend said she wanted to throw a shower for me. It would be a toddler shower since our son was 19 months when we got him. We picked a date and I thought things were going fine. Yet I never heard anything about it. Our placement of our son moved faster then expected and I just got busy being a new mommy and felt bad thinking about brining it up.......

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Asked by Anonymous at 6:09 AM on Oct. 1, 2008 in Adoption

Answers (11)
    But now it has been a year and I feel hurt and let down. There have been some other issues this past year too, like they feel we closed off towards them once we got our son. I guess maybe we did but we were trying to become a family. IDK, she is currently TTC and I am happy for them, but there is distance between us and I still feel hurt and the thought of being expected to throw her a shower just makes me feel worse. I wish I could say I am looking forward to doing it, but I am not. I don't want to. Am I totally being a brat, or do you think i am justified in feeling the way I do?

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:10 AM on Oct. 1, 2008

  • Oh I have been in your position before and understand how you feel. I got pregnant before my friend did and she was really distant and bitter towards me. The only thing you can really do is just give her space. But yes, you have the right to feel hurt and upset by what happened. And nobody says you have to be the one to throw her a shower. Did you and your family think about having an open house type event? It's not necessarily a shower, but it's a great way to formally welcome your child to the family. We did that with our daughter (even though she'd been part of our lives for over a year) and it was a lot of fun and made for some great memories.

    Answer by mommytoadam at 8:06 AM on Oct. 1, 2008

  • You have a right to your feelings. Try not to do anything to further damage the relationship, but you don't have to be the one to throw the shower. I like the open house idea. Most people don't have showers for 2nd and 3rd babies, but we had big baptisms for ours. There will be plenty of birthdays and you can also celebrate Adoption day anniversaries. People do get busy with their own lives and relationships do run their course sometimes.


    Answer by older_mom at 8:43 AM on Oct. 1, 2008

  • Thank you for the replies.
    I did have others offer. I just directed them to her. I didn't want a bunch of showers, i wanted just one big one. I felt bad I guess since he was an older child. I shouldn't have but I did. I did talk to her about my feelings, I didn't bring up the shower because her response was sort of like it was my fault for pulling away. They didn't understand what we were doing . (we were sort of secluding ourselves, but to try and foster a deep bond with our son, Attachment Parenting)

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:53 PM on Oct. 1, 2008

    I never brought up the shower because I already felt likeshe was saying how selfish I was being and I didn't want to make it worse. I don't know what to do. I have another friend who is actually going into my same situation, adopting a 2 yr old and I am throwing her shower. I am so excited to because I know exactly how they feel. I don't think that she would expect me to throw the shower, but other people will who don't see the break down in the relationship. I'm just sad because at the happiest time of my life, when i thought we would enjoyu my son together I have don't have her. It wasn't suppose to be this way

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:53 PM on Oct. 1, 2008

  • I've been on both sides of that situation. My cousin got pregnant at a young age and I totally distanced myself from her because I felt so depressed that she was able to have a baby and I was not. It took a couple of years, but I finally got over it and moved past the hurt that I felt, because it wasn't her fault that I wasn't able to have children. Now we have adopted two little girls, and we have friends that have somewhat distanced themselves from us because they have been having trouble conceiving. I don't think you're wrong in feeling hurt that she has distanced herself from you...but also try to think of her have something that she is wanting very badly. She may have been excited in the beginning for you about your son, but after seeing you with him, she may have felt hurt and upset that it wasn't her holding her child.


    Answer by LizClara at 5:21 PM on Oct. 1, 2008

  • I know that feeling. When my friends were expecting their daughter, I blew like $50 or more for diapers, bibs, sweaters, wipes, you name it. I felt close to them. Then when I had my baby, they didn't even bother to call to tell me if they could have made it. I could have understood if they were busy and they said so. I wouldn't have blamed them but they could have had the common curtesy to either call and say they couldn't go or to call when he was born. I felt like they just shut me out all of a sudden and it does make me very disappionted in them.

    Answer by LaurenKaye29 at 5:36 PM on Oct. 1, 2008

  • If you want to continue the friendship, why don't you two just sit down and talk about things. If you all were close friends before your son came home and understandably your focus had to change, even though she is an adult, she could feel hurt or even jealous especially if she is having trouble conceiving. She probably feels as bad about her feelings as you feel about the shower. I have always thought it showed my respect for a friendship if I was willing to sit down and talk about a problem even if it meant ending the friendship. At least if you both agree to put your friendship on hold for now, you've done it in a way that allows you to come together again someday as friends and not have hard feelings. Or, it might just be a girly cry fest and everything work out! Good luck. I hope everything works out.

    Answer by RentaMom at 10:26 AM on Oct. 2, 2008

  • Thank you again. I am sure she does feel hurt. I am sure there is some jealousy. I know those feelings all too well myself. We tried for 13 years to have a baby before we got our son. She stood by me through all of that. She was the one who talked me through my anger and resentment towards other friends who were getting pg. I just don't get it. I would talk to her about it more but she doesn't want to. Maybe it's just time I move on.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:41 AM on Oct. 2, 2008

  • If she is TTC she could be in a lot pain. Try to reconnect to her and forget the shower. Be her friend.

    Answer by debyduz at 3:06 PM on Oct. 3, 2008

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