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I wonder sometimes how you can make it through parenting as a couple....

With all the different views of parenting, or discipline or plans of action when something comes up - me and my husband were together for 11 years before making the decision to have our son.. I thought we gave every area thought and discussion but we seem to constantly butt heads now that we are parents.. given a not-so-easy child to raise, we can't seem to stay on the same page and seem to bicker and blame more now than ever.. although we are aware we are doing this, we try to calmly talk, we very much do not do this in front of our son, but sometimes he's more work than our son.. its like every time our son goes through a phase/transition or now, personal issues, my husband reacts like a child and its impossible to talk to him about or make rational decision about our son together - then he throws "why do I bother, I dont' get to make decisions anyway" then will later admit its not true.. so irritating..

 
maxsmom11807

Asked by maxsmom11807 at 2:48 PM on Jul. 15, 2010 in Relationships

Level 29 (40,703 Credits)
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Answers (9)
  • My husband and I had generally similar ideas about parenting, but what really brought us together and eased the conflict was taking a parenting class together. While taking the class a lot of issues came up that we had never really discussed before. We decided to adopt the parenting method we learned about in the class, and we work more like a team now than we did before. We handle situations with the kids in a very similar and consistent way. I think taking a class together would be helpful for a lot of couples, particularly couples with a "not-so-easy child to raise". Being on the exact same page as your spouse when it comes to discipline definitely lessens conflict over parenting. The class we took was Love & Logic, but I'm sure there are other methods that could also help you and your husband find a system that works for both of you.

    TweenAndTwinMom

    Answer by TweenAndTwinMom at 3:13 PM on Jul. 15, 2010

  • Sounds like you're doing a great job, talking it out together. I see that he's not always responding like an adult, but keep up the good work - with practice, maybe he'll get there. Both of you want what's best, and that's important! Good Luck!
    aliceinalgonac

    Answer by aliceinalgonac at 2:50 PM on Jul. 15, 2010

  • It sounds like your husband resents that you are making too many of the decisions. Try looking at the dynamics of hubby's family when he was growing up, and you will probably get some clues as to how he thinks things should go in your own home. Expectations cause more problems in marriage than almost any other thing, and they are very hard to change. We are all the products of how we were raised--some call it baggage, and it's very hard to get rid of. The biggest part of it does not rear its ugly head until after there are children.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 2:54 PM on Jul. 15, 2010

  • Yeah, you sound like you are doing the best you can! Keep talking things over with husband. You need to present a unified front to your son. You need to decide how each situaton will be handled and be together on it. We sometimes even said to our son "we will discuss this and we'll let you know how it will be handled." He threw us a lot of curve balls! And we made it through. Makes for good stories now and lots of laughs (some tears too). Get a couple of books on the subject if you need to. I heard Dr. Phil's is good, although I didn't read it myself. best wishes
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 3:04 PM on Jul. 15, 2010

  • Nanny B - he was raised HORRIBLY.. He was very mentally , physically and emotionally abused from both parents. He is determined not to make the same mistakes and is a great father, but I tend to believe how he was raised has a lot to do with his initial reactions, but being he won't seek therpay, I don't know that that can be put on me and our son either..
    maxsmom11807

    Comment by maxsmom11807 (original poster) at 3:10 PM on Jul. 15, 2010

  • Thank you - we are actually going to take that class, it was offered in our community education but we couldn't make the schedules work as he works nights, so when its offered again, we will surely be taking it.!! thank you!
    maxsmom11807

    Comment by maxsmom11807 (original poster) at 3:18 PM on Jul. 15, 2010

  • That's great! We got so much out of that class! We took it in desperation and I really wasn't expecting much. I was hugely surprised. We learned better ways to deal with our oldest child who has ADHD, and as a bonus we learned great ways to deal with our toddlers. The tension in our home dropped significantly soon after we started using Love & Logic. Good luck!
    TweenAndTwinMom

    Answer by TweenAndTwinMom at 3:40 PM on Jul. 15, 2010

  • I don't always agree with my husband nor he with me. We just let the other be the parent they are. That means biting our tongues and letting things play out. More than once he's surprised me when he did something I did not think would work and our daughter responded well. You don't always have to have your way. Just let him parent. As long as he isn't abusing the kid things will work out just fine.
    bjane01

    Answer by bjane01 at 7:49 PM on Jul. 15, 2010

  • I have a little different point fo view.That child grew and came out of your body.so you have earned the right to make the important decisions that directly affect your baby.Maybe let his daddy make some little decisions to make him feel more important.
    evelynwest

    Answer by evelynwest at 5:43 PM on Jul. 15, 2010

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