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2 Bumps

my husband cheated, but i know deep down hes a good guy, what kind of hell do i make him pay before i consider forgiving him?

i have already moved out enough clothes and items of mine, and am planning to get out of town for a while to calm down and clear my head and also let him sulk. right now i dont want to forgive him, but i know that ppl make mistakes and if he is willing to put 100% of his effort into working on himself BEFORE we talk of reconciling that i may be able to move past it months or possibly longer. but i do want him groveling at my feet begging for me to take him back.


Asked by Anonymous at 8:12 AM on Jul. 16, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • It sounds like you're taking time away is a good thing ... you're right, you need to calm down and clear your head. And yes, you may be able to reconcile. But remember: you don't get to decide if he works on him, only he gets to decide that. No one can make someone else change, he has to want that for himself.
    "Good guys" don't cheat. You don't deserve to be treated like this. What he did is not only a violation of trust and of the relationship, but is also disrespectful and dangerous. This is not ok. Personally, there's no way I'd consider staying... life is too short to spend in a bad situation.
    And I have to ask: what kind of a relationship do you think you'd have if you "make him pay" and he has to "grovel at your feet"? This sounds like the perfect recipe for resentment on both sides - you resent his cheating and he'll resent what you put him through. What kind of relationship will you have after all that?

    Answer by aliceinalgonac at 9:28 AM on Jul. 16, 2010

  • well i wouldnt say make him beg u but hey thats just me. but i do think he owes you an apology and some special treatment for sure. im sorry he cheated on you really. and maybe you do need to get some you time.. and get away for a while.. and let him relize how much he will miss you. smile. ...

    Answer by firstimemomm603 at 8:14 AM on Jul. 16, 2010

  • Cheating is something i could never get over. I don't think i could ever trust my DH %100 again if he ever cheated. He is the one person in this world that i put %100 of my trust in, he should be the LAST person in the world to screw me over. Both my DH & i have an agreement though. Just ONE time cheating & I am gone forever & he said the same.

    Unless you have mastered the art of leaving the past behind you, his cheating will always haunt you. I do think men can change, but i also think that cheating just one time & getting away with it almost feeds the desire for them to cheat again. they got away with & were forgiven.

    It would make me sick to my stomach seeing my DH groveling at my feel if he cheated on me, I'd probably spit on him while he was down. I don't tolerate unfaithful jerks, i deserve much better than that.

    I'd break up for a whole year. If i was still hurt after that, i'd make it permanent.

    Answer by samurai_chica at 8:23 AM on Jul. 16, 2010

  • Make dinner and clean the house??? That is not a way to prove your sorry he isn't a slave now either to do chores he needs to prove he will never doit again and only time will show that.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:24 AM on Jul. 16, 2010

  • i think that's as immature (the wanting the groveling/begging) as the cheating! you don't sound like you won't take him back, you just want some space right now, and rightfully so. however, if you want to really concentrate on your marriage and get on the right track of a better relationship, acting like a high schooler won't be the answer. be a real woman, tell him what you want and need and expect from him. if he's a real man, he'll own his actions. if he truly loves you (or is this just another toxic marriage so many people easily get themselves into??), he will. but just as it takes two to screw up a partnership, it takes two to mend it, as well.
    good luck!

    Answer by dullscissors at 8:24 AM on Jul. 16, 2010

  • he needs to prove himelf to you! make dinner clean house ect :D

    Answer by megan1089 at 8:21 AM on Jul. 16, 2010

  • Making him want to pay with hell you can decide upon doesn't sound good. Maybe your hell is why he cheated. Not bashing. Just trying to make you realize you may not be the one in a position to judge others. Figure your part in this and you both can work it out. Remember that if you leave for months he'll need someone to turn to. Men don't like being alone so if you drive him back to her then you are just making it worse. I say don't leave. I say if you want to work it out stay and figure out what went wrong in the marriage and fix it.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:39 AM on Jul. 16, 2010

  • If it truly was a mistake ans he is truly remorseful he will live in his own hell of guilt. It will take months, yearsf for you to trust him fully agin and I think that is already quite a punishment.
    I would be very careful with the thinking that if you walk out for awile that he will come back begging. You are setting yourself up for disappointment if it does not happen or happen the way you wanted it to.
    Try and think of how you would like him to act if it had been you that cheated. Then give him the same mercy, undestding and forgiveness that you would want to be shown.

    Answer by mom-2-five at 9:00 AM on Jul. 16, 2010

  • My df has cheated on me before, a long time ago. The memory is still there, the hurt is occasionally there, but I do trust him 100% now. It took more than a year to get it back all the way but I trust him 100%. Let him know how you feel about the situation and have him understand that it was a lot more than him being with another girl. The act itself is very hurtful, but the reasons why are also hurtful. Take as much you time as you need, otherwise it will be harder to get over.

    Answer by SabrenaLeigh at 9:01 AM on Jul. 16, 2010

  • There are a lot of good answers! It is hard to know what to say since we do not know what caused it from his stand point. How long have you been married? Was he starting to feel not respected by you? Were you refusing sex from him? Guys when they cheat often times love their wives but something was missing for them. What ever the reason it still gave him NO RIGHT!! It sounds like you will be able to forgive him. How did you find out? Was he honest and told you and did he act remorseful? My suggestion is counseling! How else will the problem be recognized. He could do it again.

    Answer by AmyLynn5398 at 9:21 AM on Jul. 16, 2010