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2 Bumps

What can she do to make me feel liked/comfortable/welcomed?

I have not spoken to my mother in law in almost 2 years. She is such a mean and hurtful person towards me that my husband and I felt it necessary to cut her out of our lives. We didn't want her meanness and dislike of me to be around our kids. she has called me names told people horrible stories about me and be friended my husband ex girlfriend (hanging out telling my husband all about his ex as if he would leave me to go back with her), never wished me a happy birthday among many other things. She tried very hard to get him to call off our wedding and when he wouldn't she wore black to our wedding. We didn't speak to her for 11 months. It would have been longer but we had a baby and thought things would be different...they were not. Things were okay for about 15 months. Then she started being all weird again and mean to me, I had to kick her out of my house. On Christmas she showed up unexpectedly demanding to see her...

 
OBImomma

Asked by OBImomma at 1:08 PM on Jul. 17, 2010 in Relationships

Level 17 (3,908 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (15)
  • I know how you feel, My Own Mother moved away when I was 8 months pregnant mY son is now 18 months and not spoken with her since I was 8 months pregnant. Forgive her but do not let her get real close, She may not be the best qualified baby sitter if you know what I mean. Let her come to the dinners but if she starts voicing her opinion tell her it is not needed.
    jagrus

    Answer by jagrus at 1:15 PM on Jul. 17, 2010

  • why are you so hung up on her liking you its obvious she dont want to be bothered with you take heed to what the family is saying believe me they are the ones telling you this because they know how she feels about you its her family they hear what she says and they are not saying that because their scared of her they just knows how she speak of you
    1LovelyAngel

    Answer by 1LovelyAngel at 1:18 PM on Jul. 17, 2010

  • She can demand to see them all she wants but she has no rights to them. She needs to learn to be respectful if she wants anything from you.
    If she can't even swallow her pride and make sacrifices in order to see her grandchildren then she doesn't really want to.

    Maybe if the family had an intervention, that way it's not just one person standing up to her, it's everyone expressing concern about her.
    She can't really expect to treat you the way she does and then have you continue to make allowances for her.
    Maybe she "doesn't like you" because you've been the only person who ever HAS stood up to her and stopped contact because of her nastiness. It seems like the rest of her family is afraid of her and that's worked for her. You aren't afraid of her, you just don't want to deal with her bullshit.
    She probably hates that.

    You shouldn't have to make any effort. It shouldn't be a challenge for her to be nice to you.
    Laila-May

    Answer by Laila-May at 1:19 PM on Jul. 17, 2010

  • why are you worried about her liking you if she dont let it be especially if you hadnt done anything to her dont waste your time eventually shell get over it and then at that point you might not want to be bothered
    1LovelyAngel

    Answer by 1LovelyAngel at 1:13 PM on Jul. 17, 2010

  • She doesn't have to like you, but she does have to repsect you as the mother of her grandchildren and the wife to her son. There is no excuse for the behaviour she's shown to you and the mean things she's said...ESPECIALLY around your children! You are very lucky to have a loving and supportive husband that will totally side with you and stand up to her by doing so. If she cannot respect you and your family then maybe it is better that she isn't around. Unfortunately you can't control what people, like her may say about you, but you can decide if you will be around it or not. I would find it harmful to my family and keep my distance. Send her photos, go to family functions, but wouldn't go out of my way to invite her over, let my children be anywhere with her ALONE.....that kind of stuff. YOU also need to tell her how it is going to be...in a non threatning way...but "these are the facts, and this is what I will do"
    CAGirl4

    Answer by CAGirl4 at 1:21 PM on Jul. 17, 2010

  • What CAGirl4 said.
    itsallabtthem84

    Answer by itsallabtthem84 at 1:22 PM on Jul. 17, 2010

  • The more you keep her away the more you make her stories about you look true. I'd let her come back but at limited and structured visits. That way you are showing an effort but staying in control. Don't try to make her like you. It won't happen. It's probably not even you she dislikes as much as it's the fact dh didn't listen to her when she thought she knew who was best for him. If possible have visits in public or around other people such as picnics so you can walk away without creating a scene. Kids always need to be tended to at picnics or birthday parties so you can ignore her bad behavior and yet still look like you are just taking care of kids and not really giving her the cold shoulder. I personally wouldn't let her in my home until she treated me with respect.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:30 PM on Jul. 17, 2010

  • clear limits~claim your place as the family leader (clearly you have)~honor her as wacky lady who raised your husband. she is welcome for a hr every so often if she can have some character skills present...after all, she is only a mentor for the kids and you don't have "crazy" list of things to learn.
    surfcitymom

    Answer by surfcitymom at 1:22 PM on Jul. 17, 2010

  • why on earth is she so consumed with not liking you? What is her crazy reason for being such a bitch to you?


     I would just cutoff completely. I don't have time for people like that in my happy positive life.

    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 1:41 PM on Jul. 17, 2010

  • You don't control her choices, only your own. If she's going to be a part of your lives, you do need to make an effort. You need to make an effort to model reasonable and respectful behavior for the benefit of your children. You need to set the limits and require respectful and courteous behavior in your home.
    You can no more demand that she attend counseling than she can demand to see the children. Both demands are absurd.
    aliceinalgonac

    Answer by aliceinalgonac at 2:27 PM on Jul. 17, 2010