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How can I stop my step daughter from call constantly when we go out?

I have 2 step children as well as one of my own. My step children's mom was always disappearing sometimes for hours sometimes days. They are both now living with us full time and see their mother maybe twice a month if that. Wehn ever my husband & I go out his daughter (she is 11) constanly calls us. We can just be running to the Walgreens and she'll call. If we go out for the night she sometimes alls 4 - 5 times in a 2 hour period. I understand that her mother use to ull disappearing acts on them but she has lived with us since April and we have proven over time that when we do go out (which is not all that often) that we come home when peomised if not early. Any suggestions or how to help her with these insecurities or am I reading this wrong and it is a jealousy thing over her dad. P.S. My step daughter & I get along great & have a good relationship. Any advice would be appreciated!!

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Asked by smom39 at 2:11 PM on Oct. 1, 2008 in Tweens (9-12)

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Answers (9)
  • Give her something important of yours or your husband's to keep while you're gone, something she know's you'll have to come back for. If he's driving, let her hold your driver's license or keys. Let her hold a "favorite" peice of jewelry, a photo album, or some other personal item. This will show her your sincerity while she gets over her anxiety. Perhaps while you do this, you could allow her one phone call which you will answer to reassure her, but no more. It will get better!

    Answer by mamapotter at 2:37 PM on Oct. 1, 2008

  • i dont know, i guess unplug the phone at the house lol, nah im joking, is she left alone or with a babysitter, if so dont let the babysitter, let her call, what does she call and say?

    Answer by camtri3 at 4:46 PM on Oct. 1, 2008

  • I would say let her call. It might be bothersome but she is having a transition time. I am sure she just worries that you two won't come home like her mom. I would make sure each and every time you leave you tell her a time she should expect you and that you are comming back. IT will take some time but eventually she will build back up that trust in adults. The idea of holding onto something you guys have that is important is a great idea too. I would never break the communication lines. Just keep ensuring her. Good luck

    Answer by kelleymagee at 5:26 PM on Oct. 1, 2008

  • Send her and her dad out on errands, and do the same thing to her. I know that sounds mean, but she will probably be irritated enough to say something, and that opens up a dialogue for you to discuss that you WILL come back, and she doesn't need to worry, and you can make a deal with her that you won't do that if she can refrain from doing that. Approach it in a loving manner, not like "if you can do it I can do it" - but more "I understand that it bugs you. Lets figure out a way to compromise"

    Answer by jjandjsmomma at 6:28 PM on Oct. 1, 2008

  • Even though you are showing her that you will be back when you say you will she still has that fear in the back of her mind, just be patient and keep reassuring her that you will not dissappear.

    Answer by sammiesmom2000 at 7:56 PM on Oct. 1, 2008

  • buy her a journal and ask her to write a letter to either one of you instead of calling.

    Answer by JCRestoredme at 12:29 PM on Oct. 2, 2008

  • i think based on her obious abandonment issues you should proablly seek the help of a professional, and just keep reassureing her each time she calls that you are coming home. It takes a lot of time to heal the pain that the bio-mom has caused so just be patient and eventually it will stop.

    Answer by wubbunny420 at 1:57 AM on Oct. 3, 2008

  • Thanks for all your answers & wonderful insight. I do appreciate all of it. The one problem seems to be that things don't seem like they are going to change because their mom is still in the picture and everytime she sees them it is one dispaoointment after another. I am not trying to sound cold or unloving but I don't feel that I should have to pay for her mistakes or try to make up for her mistakes.

    Answer by smom39 at 9:57 AM on Oct. 3, 2008

  • I think "Kelley" had the best advice. I know what its like to be an abandoned child and the insecurities are very deep. DOn't fuss at her but do reassure her that you are coming back and let her know exactly where you are. ITs a real feeling and its scary. My mother would leave me home alone all night long while she was out partying and lie to me about where she was at and what time she would be in. I just can't tell you how long it took me to get over that. My husband knows my issues with that and in 13 yrs of marriage, he has only been gone from me for maybe 5 nights. I just don't like it. why don't you reassure her by calling her every hour to chk in with her. That might help her adjust. Bio mom will probably always be in the picture. SOmehow, someway, you have gotta build trust with this child in spite of the damage mom has done. She sounds like she really needs you.

    Answer by momofsaee at 12:08 PM on Oct. 3, 2008

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