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What do I do about my husband's exgirlfriend from before our daughter was born?

While I was pregnant, my DH and I couldn't have sex and I found out he had a girlfriend. Now we're working things out and I can't seem to get past the girlfriend thing and I think he's still talking to her even though she lives over 400 miles away.

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saragainermommy

Asked by saragainermommy at 6:17 PM on Jul. 18, 2010 in Relationships

Level 3 (15 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • if you cant get over it, its seems you cant forgive him and trust him. I think its time to eave mama. Its not a relationship without trust
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 6:20 PM on Jul. 18, 2010

  • So your husband cheated on you.. Not a great club to be a member of. The benefits suck. But if it's any cold comfort, you're not alone.. :-)

    How long ago was that? What all did you guys do to reconcile and recover? And were any agreements made in regards to behaviours (especially concerning 3rd parties) and what is and is not acceptable? And did he agree to have absolutely NO contact what so over with this woman when you reconciled?
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 6:20 PM on Jul. 18, 2010

  • I'm probably being naive but I know he takes his vows seriously and he said he didn't sleep with her, but he stayed with her when we were fighting and stuff like that. She went back to Tampa Bay (we live in West Virginia) about 2 weeks before our daughter was born and she was born on May 18. He has agreed not to talk to her but other than that we haven't agreed on anything. I want to trust him, and I am really trying but he's making it hard on me when he says he doesn't trust me when he never had a reason not to.
    saragainermommy

    Comment by saragainermommy (original poster) at 6:24 PM on Jul. 18, 2010

  • If the situation is not getting better u may need to separate.
    mamaofficer

    Answer by mamaofficer at 6:28 PM on Jul. 18, 2010

  • I hate to break it to you. But. Any marriage expert will tell you that it takes YEARS to truly recover and rebuild after cheating. And from my experience (15+ yrs ago). It's true. When someone chooses to cheat. They destroy a basic foundation of a relationship. Trust. And in order to reconcile. The relationship has to be completely rebuilt from the ground up. The foundation has to mended. Just saying it's over, and I won't talk to her anymore, does not rebuild a marriage. What it takes to rebuild a marriage is working at ALL (no matter how big or small) the problems/issues that existed in the marriage BEFORE the infidelity happened, and all the ones the were generated AFTER the infidelity happened. As long as those things aren't worked out, they lie under the surface of the relationship, just festering and slowly poisening it.

    I need to fill another box.. LOL So bare with me... ok..

    Next.............
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 6:30 PM on Jul. 18, 2010

  • Cheating very rarely happens in a vacuum. Very rarely does someone just wake up one day and say "Hey I'm gonna cheat today". In most cases there's build up of feelings/issues that lead to and contribute to the making the choice. Let me be clear those things DO NOT MAKE someone cheat. Cheating is solely a choice. But they can contribute to someone's feelings, and those feelings contribute to making the choice to cheat. During all our recovery, from counselling, books, support groups etc. I learned that someon who is happy, fulfilled, satisfied with themselves & their marriage, does not generally cheat. A person who cheats is not happy, satisfied fulfilled with either their marraige OR themselves.

    Also. If you want to reconcile and stay together. You to must do some serious talking and lay out some mutually acceptable agreements in regards to: behavoiurs, expectations and reprecussions/consequences of not upholding those.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 6:33 PM on Jul. 18, 2010

  • Good honest open safe communication is an ABSOLUTE MUST, if the two of you want to reconcile and rebuild your marriage.

    And not really talking about this, and working out your issues. Isn't communicating. Much less good communication.

    Start communicating with one another. Or this will most likely just get worse, and you may never be able to heal and reconcile.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 6:35 PM on Jul. 18, 2010

  • You really can't do anything about her. You simply have to choose whether or not to put this little fling behind you and move on with your life with him. If I were in your position today, I would clear the air with him once and for all. Has he understood that you see this as a betrayal of trust and has he properly apologized to you for his indiscretion? If those things haven't happened, then you stand no chance of getting past it. He has to understand that what he did was hurtful to you and to the marriage and he has to be genuinely sorry for what he did, and he has to promise never to let it happen again. Once those things have happened, then you put it behind you and enjoy your family.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 6:45 PM on Jul. 18, 2010

  • I'm probably being naive but I know he takes his vows seriously and he said he didn't sleep with her, but he stayed with her when we were fighting and stuff like that. She went back to Tampa Bay (we live in West Virginia) about 2 weeks before our daughter was born and she was born on May 18. He has agreed not to talk to her but other than that we haven't agreed on anything. I want to trust him, and I am really trying but he's making it hard on me when he says he doesn't trust me when he never had a reason not to.

    Sorry that's hard to believe, I'm sure he slept with her. Men lie all the time. He's probably lying to you so you won't leave him. Ask her if they slept together then you'll have your answer. He said he wouldn't talk to her and he is, he broke his promise so why do you believe him when he says he didn't sleep with her? If he's lying about not talking to her then he's lying about sleeping with and from what it sounds
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 7:50 PM on Jul. 18, 2010

  • he isn't taking he vows serious if he's lying. If you want things to work you need to openly talk to him, tell him no talking to her and maybe seek some counseling but if he refuses to put the other woman behind him and not talk to her then he isn't really wanting to work things out.
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 7:52 PM on Jul. 18, 2010

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