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what to do...

i really want to stay and work it out with my husband, BUT i want counsling, and he says no. we have two babies together and it breaks my heart to think they will have to go through this. we fight almost non stop for a few days then we are ok for a day or two. i am SICK ofm this cycle!!! we have this long draining talk about stuff and it never really changes. i CAN NOT go through this anymore! tonight i told him that i dont want to leave him, but we need to change. BOTH of us!! so i said it has to be counsling or divorce. he told me no way is he doing counsling, so go ahead and do what i have to do. i am really torn apart inside. is it ever a good idea to stay together for the kids?? if we didnt have kids, i am positive we would no longer be together. HELP PLEASE!! no bashing please, i just want your thoughts and advice. i am a little emmbarrased to talk to my friends about this. thank you in advance!!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:51 PM on Jul. 18, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • I've been there more than once. It seems to get better, then it's just back to the old ways. I just keep my distance and really act like a roomate. Sad but true. I hope you can find a solution. Divorce is a big step..
    CAGirl4

    Answer by CAGirl4 at 8:53 PM on Jul. 18, 2010

  • I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please remember children would rather come from a broken home then to live in one.
    MomOfDagJag

    Answer by MomOfDagJag at 8:54 PM on Jul. 18, 2010

  • It is never a good idea to stay in a relationship purely for the kids because they will feel the tension in your relationship and you will see it affect their behavior and future relationships. I have known more than a few people that stayed together for the kids and eventually even the kids wished that their parents would just be happy. I would say that if your DH isn't willing to work on your relationship then either he doesn't see anything wrong or he has given up on the relationship. All couples disagree, but if it is the norm if might be worth getting together a plan to leave. Just because your relationship is no longer working doesn't mean that the kids won't still have him in their life and maybe you will better able to coparent once you are no longer married.
    amandajoy21

    Answer by amandajoy21 at 8:57 PM on Jul. 18, 2010

  • Well, you did issue the ultimatum.  You told him counseling or divorce.  He refused counseling.  So that leaves you with only one option.  It's never a good idea to stay together "for the sake of the children".  Your children will be happier if raised with happy parents, not with unhappy or fighting parents.  Good Luck.

    aliceinalgonac

    Answer by aliceinalgonac at 8:57 PM on Jul. 18, 2010

  • if he cheated and your willing to forgive him as long as you can both change and go to counceling and he's not willing to it obviosly shows you how selfish he still is, your willing to sacrifice your pride really to take him back and work things out and for the sake of your children but if hes saying no to a simple request and a simple task then what makes you think he wont go back to doing the things he did before. He sounds like he wants to be able to do whatever he wants and wants you to be ok with it when you shouldn't. No, in my opinion its not good to continue to stay for the chidlren, there going to see this and what if it happens to them, think about there future and about them as adults, show them you are a strong woman, its his loss really! The decision is up to you but don't stay and be miserable for a man whos not willing to chance and give you 45 mins of his time once a week to make your relationship better.
    babyangelromero

    Answer by babyangelromero at 8:57 PM on Jul. 18, 2010

  • Having been in that situation, I can say that divorce, even though painful and difficult to adjust to, is by far the better situation. My ex hubby is always nicer to me when discussing the children after the divorce then while we were married. My children had a lot less problems with school and behavior after the divorce. Yes, it is a tough choice. But staying put to avoid pain ahead while sinking in pain and awful habits is not good for the children. Sorry to be blunt, but that is the fact of the matter at hand.

    Joeygoat

    Answer by Joeygoat at 8:58 PM on Jul. 18, 2010

  • he didnt cheat, babyangel, we just NEVER see eye to eye and fight over too much!!
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:02 PM on Jul. 18, 2010

  • well then if you guys can't work things out and he doesn't wanna do the counceling to work things out and be able to give you different ideas about how you can comunicate and compromise then he's still being selfish, because it still sounds like he wants things his way, Your compromising by saying, "hey lets work things out but I don't think we can do it alone, we need a little guidance so lets do counceling" and he doesn't want to then he's pretty much saying he doesnt care to work things out, Counceling is not that bad, my husband didn't want to because he said he wasn't crazy and really had no idea what to expect, I compromised a second time and said we'll go once and if you don't like it then we never have to go again but you have to try and participate this one time, he didn't love it but didn't mind it and realized that at the end of the session we got alot out and really did want to try. I'm sorry your going through thi
    babyangelromero

    Answer by babyangelromero at 9:11 PM on Jul. 18, 2010

  • Have you ever asked yourself why do you bother to fight so much? Is what you are fighting over big stuff or small stuff? Skip the small stuff. If it is big stuff then maybe you are right to divorce if it can't be resolved. It is better to be happy than be right. Try to read some books on relationship advise. I read somewhere that married people who are unhappy, if they are still together in 5 years, they are much happier. Maybe try to find more peaceful days without fighting by being selective about what you fight about.
    bjane01

    Answer by bjane01 at 9:16 PM on Jul. 18, 2010

  • I think in a way staying together for the kids is a good thing to do. If he isn't cheating or abusing you than I'm sure with time you can work through your issues. Maybe you need to put in more effort at first to get some change out of him. I don't really know what your problems are but I would think that getting a divorce and seeing your kids only 1/2 the time would be worse.
    Orionsgirl

    Answer by Orionsgirl at 9:29 PM on Jul. 18, 2010

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