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Is it normal? Please advise

I am a divorcee and have been for the last 3 years. My daughter is 4 and her father, my ex-husband has not really been in her life much these past 3 years. He sees her maye 5 times a year and never has her for an entire day or overnight.

I am in a place now where I am more than ready to have another child, but I am currently single. I was talking to my mom and grandmother about it and there big thing is wait until you are married. My issue with this statement is that from my experience (and only my experience is what I can go off of so IO am not judging yours) it doesn't matter if I am married or not because it sure as hell didn't matter for my daughter. Her father and I had been together for 4 years before we married and didn't get pregnant with her until after we married. Seeing how wonderfully that turned out for her, why should I really go through the motions for a second child? Is that normal to feel that way?


Asked by BriHan06 at 10:43 AM on Jul. 19, 2010 in Relationships

Level 19 (7,166 Credits)
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Answers (15)
  • I totally agree, wait until you're married. For one thing, how are you going to work with an infant at home?

    Answer by aliceinalgonac at 10:46 AM on Jul. 19, 2010

  • cont

    If the reasons you "don't want to go through the motions" are because you're hurt and afraid of being hurt again, or because you're afraid that some other dad is just going to hurt / walk out on your next kid, because look what happened the last time, then I think that's probably not a good reason, because it's basically giving up on being with someone you love / love you and the kids, because the last guy was a bum. You're selling yourself and your kids short this way, imo.

    BUT - if you're doing it because you love being a mom, you want another child, and can take care of one, and it's a case of it would be nice if the right guy came along, and you're open to having him in your life, but you refuse to put your life on hold while you wait for him to come along and sweep you off your feet, then I think that reason makes sense, again, just in my opinion.

    gl with your choice!

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 10:58 AM on Jul. 19, 2010

  • Yes, I'm one of those who returned to the workplace. Thankfully my daughter was a toddler, and not an infant at that time. I returned to the workplace due to her father's death. It's difficult, yes. But with two, it would be more so. Infant child care costs more than day care for older children, and your oldest is nearing school age which alleviates some of the financial burden of daycare as well. The oldest and the youngest would be in two different locations when school begins, and well, the logistics of choosing to do it alone are daunting ... and there is a tremendous difference between what some women have to do out of necessity and what others must do due to circumstances beyond their control.

    Answer by aliceinalgonac at 11:36 AM on Jul. 19, 2010

  • yes it is you realy dont have to be married if you dont want to. you can just be with the guy.. my sister is not married and shes with the father of her 2nd well goodluck

    Answer by tandie1977 at 10:45 AM on Jul. 19, 2010

  • I just saw a movie preview of a girl who gets invitro fertilization and then meets the man of her dreams... she has to explain to him that she's pregnant. ... And he's freaked out by it.
    If you feel that you'll be alone in raising this next child, then there is nothing wrong with getting something like that done, but to get pregnant by a random guy because you want another child, is unfair to that guy... it's like you're not even giving him the chance to be a good dad and loving husband.
    Just my opinion.

    Answer by MomtoElliett at 10:48 AM on Jul. 19, 2010

  • can i ask your age
    because of course there is a clock where getting pregnant is no longer an option
    is age one of your issues?
    or is it the age of your daughter and wanting to give her a sibling?
    your desire to have another child?

    if age and siblings close in age are not factors, then i would wait a bit, if you already know that you do NOT want another relaionship ever, then i would search your options on a sperm donor-if that is what you know is right for you and your daughter

    Answer by fiatpax at 10:52 AM on Jul. 19, 2010

  • Lol... to all right now I am not planning to do anything at all. It is just a debate I am having with the family. I am in law school so there is NO WAY I can even be serious about doing that right now, in vitro or sex. hahaha...

    Alice- you know some women are married and still have to go back to work because they simply can't afford it. Is that the only reasoning you feel that way? I know for my family its religious convictions, which I totally understand, but think that as long as I am not sleeping with someone to get this child (in vitro) then religiously speaking it doesn't matter.

    momto- yeah that would be so wrong...Definitely not going there. Not even to prove a point :) I have not seen that preview, interesting.

    Comment by BriHan06 (original poster) at 10:53 AM on Jul. 19, 2010

  • If you truly don't want another relationship and just another child I don't think you should be seeking the relationship just to get to having a child. I would however say that you should look in to invitro or something along that line so that you don't have to deal with another father that may or may not want the child.

    Answer by TerrahR at 10:55 AM on Jul. 19, 2010

  • I see your point...maybe wait until your with someone who is commited enough to have a child with and by commited I mean not only to you but to the child as well. I know alot of fathers who do an amazing job even after they seperate from the mother and put the child first. Its your choice weather you wanna take a chance on getting married or not.

    Answer by babyangelromero at 10:55 AM on Jul. 19, 2010

  • Is it better for a child to be raised by two parents that love them and are there for them and involved in their lives - yes.

    Does that mean that this is always what we get - no. Nor does it mean that there aren't some wonderful single parents out there, raising wonderful kids. It's just harder.

    There isn't a right or a wrong answer to your question. I think a lot of it depends on your reasons - and you're the only one who can look deep down inside yourself and know what they are.


    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 10:55 AM on Jul. 19, 2010

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