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Is DH Selfish? Am I self centered? How do you handle this?

Dh’s mother died last week after a long illness. He was there in June for 5 days, he just went in July for 2 weeks (she died during this visit) last night the said hat he is going back in Aug. for 10 days to help his sister sort things out with his mom’s house etc. I was Ok with him going until I see the email to his sister in which he talks about hanging out, taking the jet ski’s out etc. nothing about sorting out the estate. He told me she needed him to come but in the email she was surprised he was coming.
I am at this moment pissed. We are broke, a ticket is $$$$ We have a bajillion medical bills, a 14 month old toddler and I feel that he is being selfish. I am trying to be understanding, I know this is a HUGE thing when a parent dies but I feel like he is pushing everything to the side so he can go frolic in Cali.
Is he being selfish? Do I need an attitude adjustment? I feel like crying! Any suggestions

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chefronswife

Asked by chefronswife at 11:35 AM on Jul. 20, 2010 in Relationships

Level 15 (2,045 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • I think you're being unreasonable. His mother just died. So what if he has a bit of fun with his sister while they are sorting out the estate. He will NEED a break from the difficult task of dealing with his mothers effects. You don't really want him to be completely miserable, I'm sure. Take a breathe, step back, and see if from a place of love instead of a place of score keeping.
    Bezu

    Answer by Bezu at 11:39 AM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • I'm sure he will have to help her sort his mother's things but he will not be spending every moment doing this, maybe he figures doing some things whilke out there will help him to keep his mind off the fact that he has to go throiugh his now deceased mothers things. Maybe the sister didnt expect him to help, and she is probably releaved he is. Because something like this is hard on people and hard to do in general
    smilelovesmile

    Answer by smilelovesmile at 11:39 AM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • We all grieve in our own way. Maybe this is what he needs to grieve for his mom. His sister will make sure he does estate stuff.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:39 AM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • I would be upset too-
    It sounds like he is going on an adventure, not like they need his help sorting out details of the aftermath of his mothers death.
    ABusyBee

    Answer by ABusyBee at 11:39 AM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • Maybe he just wants to spend some time with his family after his Mom's death. Honestly, I would talk to him, but he should be free to grieve and spend time with his family without feeling guilty for it. Losing a parent is one of the worst things that people go through in life.
    mommy11260

    Answer by mommy11260 at 11:41 AM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • OP: Thanks for the comments.. I am conflicted, I feel gulity for being pissed that he wants to leave again, I am concerned about the effect this will have on his job, taking so much time off. But maybe this is how he needs to grieve....so I should suck it up, come up the $$ and let it go.
    chefronswife

    Comment by chefronswife (original poster) at 11:50 AM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • Sounds like him and sister are needing time together, and sort through the house. That's tough to do under the best of circumstances. He wants to help, sister probably said I can handle it, and he's trying to step up. Talk to him, don't let it fester and give him a huge hug and tell him how much you love him and how proud of him you are in wanting to help sister sort out the estate stuff, cause beleive me, it's too hard for one person to do it.
    ShelbysHope

    Answer by ShelbysHope at 11:51 AM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • I agree with smile.
    trish2tew

    Answer by trish2tew at 11:52 AM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • This is my opinion. RESPOSIBILITIES COME FIRST! Yes he needs time to grieve but he needs to be a man and take care of his family first (Your child, You and finances). If you have no money for him to fly, make him drive there. Is he using time from work? Does he get paid while he uses this time? Well if not then he should make it quick and do what he has to do. Settle the Estate spend a day or two with his sister and come home to his family. I understand how you feel. If he needs more time with his sister then let her come and stay for a visit when she can. Men have a hard time putting things into perspective, maybe you can explain these issues & MAKE him understand that what is most important is HERE & NOW.

    ILovemyPaulie

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 11:59 AM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • There's a lot to deal with when someone dies. That said, I think he's being very immature about how he's handling this. Especially if he's not needed, it makes me wonder if he isn't reacting like so many people do and just wanting to be sure to get what he considers is his fair share, of the estate and of the attention. This makes me much more likely to side with you, except for one thing:
    I'm just not sure why you were reading his email.
    aliceinalgonac

    Answer by aliceinalgonac at 2:00 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

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