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What do you think

This is a friends poem, she's needs feed back. I don't know what to tell her and she wants to send it in. What do you think. Please be nice... :) Thanks


Your walk towards me in perfect light.
Our eyes met and lock so tight.

As our soul's slowly emerge as one.
Then shall our lips have passionate fun.

Intense the moment grows
minute by minute.

Our hearts begin to slowly beat
as hands reach out and meet.

Lost in one another's eye's.
Passion grows and burns inside.

Bodies touch in rhythmic motion.
Just like waves amongst the ocean.

Our lips and our tongues become one now
feeling lost and heaven bound.

Candles surround us as do rose petals
watching our selves on the thorns and nettles.

Pulsing, tugging, sounds of sighs.
Makes wondering neighbors say oh my.

We relax and pause


Asked by Anonymous at 11:49 AM on Jul. 20, 2010 in Crazy for Credits

This question is closed.
Answers (2)
  • maybe a new title..cause it doesn't feel intense...rhythm is it's best quality but it starts out in title and tone with one direction, and then seems to change for the lighter? Check out Matt Johnson with his images from Beyond Love ((TheThe)~just a few pieces of it~

    Take me beyond love
    Up to something above
    Upon this bed, between these sheets
    Take me to a happiness beyond human reach

    The force of life is rushing through our veins
    In and out like the tide it comes in waves
    The drops of semen and the clots of blood
    Which may, one day, become like us
    With outstretched hands reaching beyond love

    Before our juices run cold and our flesh grows old
    Let me feed upon your breast and draw closer to your soul
    Take me beyond love
    Up to something above
    Upon this bed, between these sheets
    Take me to a happiness beyond human reach
    (you should hear him sing it)

    Answer by surfcitymom at 12:18 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • Not digging the amongst the ocean part....need a better choice of word there. Shouldn't it be You not Your walk towards me? I think it is a very nice poem and idea, but trying to hard to make it rhym takes away from it. I don't think poems should rhym all the time, more get the feelings of the artist across. Tell her to keep is not entirely bad, just needs touching up.

    Answer by salexander at 12:14 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

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