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2 Bumps

How do you know you are still in love with the one you married or you're just saying it to say it?

My husband said to me yesterday,"I know we love each other but are we in love with each other or do we stay together because we want to or because of the boys?" He just feels that I don't give back as much as I should to him as he gives to me. I made the comment of wanting more romance in our relationship such as flowers every now and then for no reason or a simple little note and all he got out of that was the only way I would love him was if he was to buy me something. Don't get me a wrong,I love my husband with my whole heart and soul. I would just like a little bit more PDA-public display of affection (not neccessarliy the public part). He said he's just been having these thoughts which put thoughts in to my head. He does want to know what we can do to fix it before it gets beyond fixable. Take to mind,we will be celebrating our 8 year anniversary next month.
Help please,anyone!!!!!!!

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Asked by sweetmomatx at 12:22 PM on Jul. 20, 2010 in Relationships

Level 2 (4 Credits)
Answers (18)
  • Love is about way more than flowers and romance. For instance, does your husband go to work every day? Does he come home every evening? Does he take care of the stuff that's broken around your house? See, you are asking your husband to fulfill the expectations of your idea of what is romance or showing his love to you. He is showing his idea of love to you in a thousand ways that you choose not to identify as love, because they do not line up with your expectations. I'm not saying that you don't have the right to ask for flowers if that's what you want, but you need to always preface that with gratitude for something that he does do. And, not every guy is comfortable displaying his affections in public. If he displays them in private, that may just have to be good enough. Unrealistic expectations kill marriages. The "in love" feelings are very fickle. What counts the most is commitment, integrity and character.

    Answer by NannyB. at 12:28 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • Well, how often do you guys laugh together? Laughter is the best medicine they say. Try going out to a movie together.. and try to write HIM notes and things.. If you put forth a little effort, maybe he'll try harder too. Next time he says the only thing you want is to spend more money, ask him how much money he spent on you in the first year of your relationship.. tell him to double it for the wife of 8 years.. and to stop complaining.

    Answer by MomtoElliett at 12:28 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • 7 yrs and going through the same thing. I would love to see the answers. Sometimes I ask if I love what was our past and stay out of our past and all hes done. I love him hes my world but I wonder how we are still together its like night and day. And i dont want to be with anyone else so maybe that how i know i still love him its just different love?

    Answer by whitenena at 12:29 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • Material items may be romantic at times, but those aren't the importan things at all. Intimate affection - Hugging, kissing, back rubs, little smiles back and forth, even sometimes sex are what is important. It's the closeness that makes the relationship stronger outside of communication, trust, and loyalty. Now, my examples are out of the ordinary, so bear with me, but they are my husband and my way of showing each other love. When he comes up to me gives me a hug and says "You smell". Or when he sticks his tongue out at me from across the room the same way a child would. (Eye close, face scrunched, tongue out). Those little things that he does show me he still loves me. Those playful moments where I'm the girl he's thinking of.

    I think I would know if we were just saying it to one another. If we were to start saying "Love Ya" that's a sign. How impersonal is that? That's what friends say to one another. (Contin)

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 12:29 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • Make an example of what you want only turn it into something more man-friendly. My husband says when I give him a back rub is when he feels most loved by me. Maybe something like that? GL hon!

    Answer by ABusyBee at 12:29 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • You really have to understand that true love is not the feeling of lust. You know, that "I can't wait to see you, have sex with you, etc" feeling that you once experienced. That stuff ends fast in a relationship, especially when you have children. What is better is that you have hopefully, built a solid friendship relationship. One where you come to respect, love without limits, and understand one another. That is love. That is what will take you through life, not lust. Sex may come and go throughout a relationship. (If you don't believe me, ask an old married couple). Some people have married relationships without the sex even being there anymore. They, have built a good foundation. It takes work. It takes dedication.

    I am not condemning anything you are saying, sometimes I feel the same way. Then I remember my many years of dating and think, YUCK! I never want to go through that again.

    Answer by m-avi at 12:30 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • I would never say the words if I didn't mean them and felt them, flowers and such have to come from the heart, you shouldn't have to ask and I would not want them if I had to ask for romance, some people are naturals at this some are not, but it doesn't mean they don't love ya.
    There are many ways to show someone you love them and most of the time they do not come with a price tag, learn to accept hubby as he is and look for signs of love in his other actions.

    Answer by older at 12:30 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • (Contin) When you stop the romance of kissing, hugging, and intimacy. And I'm not talking pecks on the cheek or quick squeezes. I'm talking a passionate kiss on the lips and bear hugs that send warmth through you. When you lose that you know you're losing the passion in the relationship. When you don't kiss one another goodbye in the morning (if you see one another), when you stop holding hands, when you stop snuggling on the couch. When you lose that intimacy you start losing the passion. That is when the relationship is starting to fade. And "I love you" becomes habit and not truth.

    It's still fixable after that .. just a lot more work.

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 12:31 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • Try stepping up to the plate and giving out what you would really love to be given. It is not easy when you feel hurt and neglected but once you start putting it into action it gets easier. Sometimes you have to be the one to initiate the changes you want to see happening. And most of the time that's all that is needed, chances are good that he is feeling a bit unloved and underappreciated as well.

    Answer by NikkiMomof2grls at 12:33 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • I would sit down and talk to him about it again. Let him know the things you would like more of and have him tell you what he wants more of. Be Specific...don't take things offensively, and communicate. My hubby and I have started a 'list', once a week we tell eachother something we would like the other person to work on, and slowly build up on what the other wants. Practice makes perfect, and don't get mad if he forgets or you's a relearning process. Like one of my things for him is to open doors for me, sometimes he doesn't because it's new again (he hasn't opened doors for me since we got married) and I can't take it personally because I forget he likes kisses in public and I forget too. Does this make sense? One thing a week, practice, communicate, and hang in there. You obviously love eachother, and it will all be okay. Marriage is work. Good luck!

    Answer by chupachyps at 12:33 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

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