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Divorced ladies (with small children). I need support.

Are you and your ex still friends?

How hard was your divorce on you? The kids?

DH and I dont want to go through courts so we have agreed that the kids will live with me and when he wants to take them, I wont stop him. He has agreed to pay what I ask for child support (which isnt an unreasonable amount). Hes said I can keep everything in the house, but he wants to keep our biggest television...this is fine with me.

Well live in the same city (well be moving in 6 months to my home state), and they will see him often. My family and friends live close. We have a church that we already attend when we are there to visit too.

Even though we are remaining good friends, Im dreading it. Im grieving the loss of a marriage and Im scared to be on my own again after almost 11 years (our anny is Aug 7). Im scared to sleep alone after all this time. And Im scared my children are not going to recover.

Advice and encouragement please?!

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 2:17 PM on Jul. 20, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (5)
  • EX and I divorced when DD was 2.5. we decided to keep it civil. We hired an attorney to write up the papers and we agreed on everything from support to custody to visitation. Even if you are in agreement now and are getting along, write everything up cause once one of you gets a 'friend', that attitude of being friends could change and then it comes down to what's on paper.

    DD is managing fine but we never hide anything from her. She doesn't get the adult version but we told her up front that mommy and daddy weren't going to live together anymore and answered any question that she ever brings up.
    as for visitation, on paper, he gets her alternating fri-sun and wed-fri but really he picks her up every day from daycare and we alternate weekends and when he wants her or I want her on an unscheduled day, we work it out.

    Answer by Jademom07 at 2:20 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • Ok, my first piece of advice would be to get your agreement in writing and get it notarized. From my personal experience, these agreements are a great idea in the beginning but it wont last.

    My ex and I agreed we were still best friends and we worked out a custody agreement for our kids. For the first little while it was working out well but then he got a girlfriend and started skipping out of seeing the kids and taking them on his ONE night a week that he keeps them over night to give me a day off.

    Get it in writing.

    You will be fine, your kids will be fine. As long as they can see you and him getting along and being respectful to one another, they will be fine.

    Surround yourself with friends and family for support. You are going to have good days and you are going to have bad days. It will get easier over time.

    Answer by Laila-May at 2:24 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • hi mom, and (hugs) divorce is never easy, no one wants it. My advice? do it legally honey. Please protect yourself and your kids. The best guy(or woman) in the world can change. My ex? he went from being civil, and he and I being able to figure things out to a man who has broken every promise he ever made to myself and our son. why? Because he met a woman who decided she didnt like how close ex and I still she systematically broke down any and all communication and now ex and I cant talk at all. If you had said to me a few yrs ago that my ex would be this way, I would have laughed. But I am not laughing now....please protect yourself. good luck.

    Answer by Bearsjen at 2:25 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • Like mentioned before, GET EVERYTHING IN WRITING. Just because you're both friends now does not promise you will be years down the road. Its been 2 years since my XH & I separated, and we've remained relatively decent friends-ish long after our divorce. That's all changed now that I've become pregnant by another man. He's being vindictive and almost punishing me for it by now trying hard to get custody of the kids. He's mudslinging and making up terrible lies about me to try and get more time. I got most everything in writing during our divorce, but the couple of miniscule things that I overlooked are coming back to bite me in the butt. Know you WILL have a life after your DH, and who knows if you both will ever be together again. Just stay strong and happy for your babies :)

    Answer by nappeal at 5:15 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • i agree with the pps who are advising you to get things in writing. not everyone can keep playing nice. it's for your protection, his protection, and the kids'. it's like saying you're getting a divorce and not making it legal... what's the point? it's great that you two are able to come to these agreements together. hopefully that will continue. but when you have both moved on in your lives a little more the verbal agreement may get skewed in memory or may no longer be convenient for someone to adhere to. i was going to say what if someone comes in his life that starts him thinking differently... but looks like someone already covered that. if he balks, note that i believe that any child support he pays that is not per order or through the court system might not "count" should you two ever start having disagreements... it's in his best intersts too.

    Answer by figaro8895 at 5:57 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

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