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too little too late? adult content

I'll sum it up as much as I can, but in short I've not been in love with my husband since around the time we got married. I actually wanted to cancel the wedding, but I let myself get talked out of it.
I almost objected, but couldn't get the words out.
I'm in love with a man that can't be mine, but that's not why I'm considering getting out. There is no affair, but falling in love again has made me ache to be able to live with a man that I feel that way about.
Something bad happened on our wedding night that I won't get into, (hubby hadn't slept in about 3 days has never done anything bad to me like that since)
but ever since that wedding night whenever we've had sex I've always had to detach myself. Either thinking of someone else, or going somewhere else in my head.
Hubby does love me and for the most part treats me like princess. But for years no matter how I tried to explain my medical condition cont-

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:49 PM on Jul. 20, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • I was in a similar situation. I got married just because I was pregnant and felt like I had to do it even though I was not in love with him. I figured maybe I would grow to love him but it never happened. When I started telling him how I really felt he ended up becoming abusive. He loved me so much and couldn't understand and just got violent. I don't know what to say, maybe couseling would help if you really want to work it out, but it doesn't seem like you do. I would say just tell him the truth about your feelings and work from there...
    mommymela87

    Answer by mommymela87 at 3:53 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • to him he always seemed to think that I was 'playing the patient'
    Now after hearing doctors scold me for not paying MORE attention to my condition, he now treats me differently.
    I'm very confused.
    I know that most women would call me nuts to consider breaking it off, and since I'm out of work with little to no resources I wonder if they would be right.
    to give a example. recently was our 11th anniversary and he finally went somewhere romantic with me. then as soon as we walked out,he wanted to go home and clean house.
    claiming that he didn't realize that I wanted him to spend 'the WHOLE day ' celebrating our anniversary.
    Yes, he helps clean, but I didn't marry to get a housekeeper. no more than I would have wanted him to expect me to be one.
    I thank him all the time for what he does and helps with, but I feel worn out.
    don't see how you can make yourself fall in love- it's not making up for what isn't there.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 3:54 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • I would like to work it out, but maybe I'm just not the kind of woman who is ok being with a man she isn't in love with.
    there may be ways to work out problems that many have, but my problem is I don't see how you can make yourself fall in love with someone.

    If things can be fixed, great. but I've actually been told my more than one counselor I've seen alone that I am probably right.
    that I can choose to stay if I want to just keep on living the life we've made, but if that's not enough, then getting out of the marriage could be the way to go.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 3:57 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • If you have children, STAY with him, for numerous reasons. No one is perfect and he actually sounds like a keeper to me.
    tasches

    Answer by tasches at 4:23 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • I guess I'm just unloading, but if I told you what had happened on our wedding night you may sing a different tune.
    I'm just having a hard time with it all.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:52 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • Sounds to me as if you're trapped in our culture's deranged idea of 'romance', which in my view is pretty much 'what can I get out of you for the least effort on my part?' The appearance of loyalty is often mistaken for the reality of loving, but they have absolutely nothing in common.

    Loving is the act of appreciating the whole reality of another person --the actual reality, warts and all of a whole, real person with oppositional opinions and food preferences that are frankly embarassing and gross... Well, that and handing over the keys to your own destruction. That's the part that most people won't get anywhere near, because it's too risky.

    You can, if you want to stay and make it pleasant for yourself, turn your mind to why you married him --what you love, what you appreciate about him, how he is kind, thoughtful, etc (as opposed to 'how he is not...')

    Your choice.
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 4:56 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

  • well if you're unhappy how can your children be happy? children can sense unhappiness from their parents. if you're not in love with him and you have children you're teaching them to grow up and be with someone they don't love. i say do what's best for you. if you have to detach yourself when you have sex that's a major issue. whatever he did on your wedding night obviously still upsets you. so imo you should leave. you deserve to be happy. don't stay because you feel obligated or because you have children together. lots of children are raised with single parents and are completely happy. if you need someone to vent to you can pm me.
    xavierlogan09

    Answer by xavierlogan09 at 4:57 PM on Jul. 20, 2010

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