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Whether it's happened once or more, do you think physical abuse is forgivable?

Whether it's done by a family member or your spouse, do you think it's ever forgivable or no?

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GinNTonic

Asked by GinNTonic at 1:55 AM on Jul. 21, 2010 in Relationships

Level 18 (6,147 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • physical abuse is a deal breaker.
    sati769leigh

    Answer by sati769leigh at 1:57 AM on Jul. 21, 2010

  • One time I could maybe forgive...MAYBE. I guess it depends on the circumstanses. Never a second time though.
    SleepingBeautee

    Answer by SleepingBeautee at 1:58 AM on Jul. 21, 2010

  • As someone who has suffered from physical abuse from my father and ex NO I don't think physical abuse is forgivable. If my husband ever thought about about being physical I would be gone in a second. So my answer is NO it is not forgivable. There is no reason for it.
    jnsdrf

    Answer by jnsdrf at 2:00 AM on Jul. 21, 2010

  • I guess what I mean is, would that cause you to stop loving...say your parents if they were abusive? Not all the time but if they did every once in a while, would you still have a hard time forgiving them? My dad used to hit me. Not all the time and it wasn't just spankings. He used to hit me in the face whenever he'd get really pissed off about something I did. I find that harder to forgive him for than him spanking me.

    BTW I'm not trying to justify domestic abuse, I'm just wondering if it's possible to still love your parents even though they've physically hurt you? Spouses are different. I don't think marriage should ever come with a black eye. Your spouse should protect your not hurt you, but then again parents are supposed to protect you too. It's a touchy subject.
    GinNTonic

    Comment by GinNTonic (original poster) at 2:11 AM on Jul. 21, 2010

  • violence is a deal breaker i might still love someone but i will have NO contact with them
    sati769leigh

    Answer by sati769leigh at 2:28 AM on Jul. 21, 2010

  • IMO parents & spouses are different. In the situation you described its about recognizing your father had weaknesses & took em out on you. Even though you were the one getting slapped it wasn't about you, it was about his inability to deal w/ or process what was going on. I suspect he was physically abused as a kid & didn't know a different way. Also different than a parent beating a kid w/ an electrical cord, its less extreme & in some ages past an appropriate way of punishment. Try not to focus on what he did but why he did it, not what you did to "get" him to slap you but what he was going thru/thinking. I'm assuming here that you're looking to let it go?
    Now a spouse....whole different story! Maybe once after a whole bottle of tequila but that'd be it. Physical abuse is one of my deal breakers!
    Nyx7

    Answer by Nyx7 at 4:01 AM on Jul. 21, 2010

  • i really don't see alot of difference in parental or spousal abuse - both obviously have issues, and in the case of a parent, the victim is much more defenseless than a grown woman. it is very possible to love abusers (or have emotions that can be confused for love) as evidenced by the number of abused children who are very attached to their parents. that doesn't make it a healthy emotional response, it's just what is. forgiveness is for the self, not for the perpetrator, so it is also possible to forgive an abuser, yet that forgiveness doesn't mean one allows abuse to continue. the main thing in abuse cases is to protect the self and learn how to maintain healthy relationships and heal from unhealthy ones. in cases of family (which actually includes spouses legally), sometimes people find a way to have a healthy or at least nonabusive relationship but the abuse has to end and it is never a good idea to let it continue.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 7:06 AM on Jul. 21, 2010

  • and before i get slammed by someone who doesn't take the time to thoroughly read and understand my response, i am NOT advocating staying in abusive relationship, i am simply responding to the OP who is having a hard time reconciling feelings of love toward an abusive family member. this is not abnormal or unusual - our emotions aren't that simple - if they were, spousal abuse wouldn't happen, people would just walk away every time. children are put in a position often that requires them to accept it since they are powerless. again, the main thing is to get out of an abusive situation and get therapy if necessary to heal and to make sure it is not something that is deemed acceptable in your life.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 7:09 AM on Jul. 21, 2010

  • Yes, you can and probably will still love them if there is abuse (whether spousal or parental), and you can forgive them. The truth that many do not understand is that you do not have to accept that type of behavior going forward in order to forgive them what has happened. IF I were you, I would talk to my Dad, and explain to me how deeply those times had hurt me, and tell him that while I forgave him for them, if there was ever another time when he raised a hand to me, I would not be around him anymore. I would let him know that he was my Dad, and yes I would always love him, but I would not accept that behavior.
    mommy11260

    Answer by mommy11260 at 8:51 AM on Jul. 21, 2010

  • I think it's forgiveable, just not forgettable. I've tried to forgive my mother more times than I can count. She slapped me more times than I can remember.She used to grab me by the hair and jerk me around.I can remember her actually physically assaulting me beyond that more than once.When I was 17 she hid behind a dresser in my room and turned out the lights, and when I walked in and turned on the light, she came out swinging at my face.My little sister was behind me and it scared her to death!She had to run downstairs and wake up my dad and he had to come up and pull us apart.He gave me money and sent me to live with my grandmother.I have come to the conclusion that she will always hate me for being born.She's just plain mean to me.My feeling are the LAST she would consider,and hubby points out how she's always short with my daughter who is just like me.I don't think it'll ever change, hubby just wants me removed from it!
    TimandMely4ever

    Answer by TimandMely4ever at 9:00 AM on Jul. 21, 2010

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