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2 Bumps

In your experience, can people really change? Amd how do you know they're telling the truth when they say they have?

Example: My ex husband contacted me and wants to be friends. I agreed, with reservations and a promise to myself that I will be extremely cautious.
After a few conversations and 1 meeting, he informed me that he wants me back. I don't want that so I say it would be better if we just didn't talk anymore because we can't be just friends.
He comes back several days later, apologizes and says he really enjoys talking to me and being around me and could we please try to be friends if he doesn't push for more.
Again, a few days later I start feeling weird about the situation and try again to say we shouldn't talk. And again he gives me a few days to cool off and then apologizes and backs off.
Our marriage was a disaster and I don't want to go there again but he swears he is a different person and he will do anything to prove it to me.
Is it stupid on my part to think he may be telling the truth? Or is it possible he has changed???

Answer Question
 
craftin4fun

Asked by craftin4fun at 10:36 PM on Jul. 21, 2010 in Relationships

Level 4 (49 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • Perhaps go on a couple dates.....see how you feel about it, but if you have doubts by just talking to him then perhaps it's best to not. It's easy to get back into the routine you guys once had. It ended for a reason.............
    worriedmommy600

    Answer by worriedmommy600 at 10:38 PM on Jul. 21, 2010

  • I do believe people can change. You will only know if you give him another chance and take it S-L-O-W. If any red-flags are popping up, old behavior, etc, then end it.
    beckie66

    Answer by beckie66 at 10:40 PM on Jul. 21, 2010

  • You are never stupid to want to be with your kids dad, be it bio father or step dad. As long as he wasn't abusive...to an extent. If he really has changed, he will give you time, if he really wants to be with you then HE should be willing to wait as long as it takes to make it right.
    Give him the benfit of the doubt, my DH did and here we are 12 yrs later and never been happier. I am thankful that he gave me the chance to show him that I loved him, wanted him, and would do everything for him. I gave him the time that he needed because I wanted to be with him. Forever.
    Never just push it off because of the past, yes people can change, but you have to be ready to give him the chance to do so.
    marriedmomto5

    Answer by marriedmomto5 at 10:40 PM on Jul. 21, 2010

  • Sure, people can change. My husband is a prime example of that. He was an out of work, alcoholic, drug addict. This was before I met him but I know the stories. 6 months before I met him, he was in a low place, very low and dark place in his life. Called his mom and begged for her help. She sent him a bus ticket to where she lived and he lived there for almost 6 months. No more drinking, no more drugs and even had a job. Well he hated it up there so he moved back here. 3 weeks after he moved back, I met him. He knew that if he wanted to be with me, he had to stay on the path he was on. His friends have thanked me for the changed Jon. The feared for his life and tell me that my love was the best thing for him. So yes, people can change for the better. You do not sound comfortable with the situation though...maybe take it slow and just talk every once in awhile. Good luck hun!
    vickwu

    Answer by vickwu at 10:43 PM on Jul. 21, 2010

  • sure some people can change but there are some people that cant
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 10:44 PM on Jul. 21, 2010

  • I would like to believe people can but it takes so much work and committment.
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 10:58 PM on Jul. 21, 2010

  • as long as they are free of drugs and alcohol they can change...being chemically dependent changes the thought process, the desire to change may be there but the ability is not.
    now if there isn't any substance abuse a person will change as they age and grow from life's challanges
    togo90210

    Answer by togo90210 at 11:23 PM on Jul. 21, 2010

  • some people do change....most dont! trust your intuitions!
    cracklinbread

    Answer by cracklinbread at 12:16 AM on Jul. 22, 2010

  • people do change. life is change... but the catch is they only change if they want to, not if you do. your husband is coming to you not because you asked. who knows. generally i say trust your instinct. sometimes it is hard to differentiate fears from your past from your instinct. the only way you will know for sure is (a) if you care enough to find out and (b) careful observation and awareness, which means giving him a chance. but you don't have to feel obligated to be his friend just because that's what HE wants. if you have children together, it would be good if you could if he is for real. did he give any indication as to what brought him to this change, what actions he has taken in his life that are different? but really, if you're not interested, just say no...
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 1:36 AM on Jul. 22, 2010

  • To answer the above answerers: There is and never was any substance abuse. He and I were very young when we married and he was in the military and so I had to move far away from my family and there was a lot of stress that we weren't expecting so there was a lot of fighting and we just couldn't take it. So we divorced.
    He came to me because he says he never stopped loving me and he wants us to try again. He says he is happy to just be friends if that is all that I want but he wanted me to know that he wants more...in case I ever do.
    My instincts are torn in two. On the one hand, I have a horrible track record with men so I don't know how to let myself trust again.
    On the other hand, is it fair to either of us to have nothing, no friendship or anything else just because I am scared???
    I am leaning more towards giving him a chance to prove he has changed(grown up and matured) but being very cautious about it.
    craftin4fun

    Comment by craftin4fun (original poster) at 7:44 AM on Jul. 22, 2010

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